Christmas hosting

@Lifethroughlenses so how far away from you does bil and his wife life, how far away does mil, fil live? three days is exhausting! why is it as long as three days and at what point do they all arrive on your doorstep and when do they finally depart? i have done one day for over 40 years and honestly can say i would happily sit down with beans on toast for a change!

Oh. I have it.

Since your having a family Xmas it is BIL's turn to host.
Plan on eatting somewhere for Christmas meal, and you can stay in a hotel near BIL, or cottage with MIL.

After all a change of scenery ECT. Stress this....
When they say no. Well if it is ok for BIL not to host , the same goes for you. ECT....

I always have great admiration for a former colleague. She made it plain for years that she would "do" Christmas until her youngest turned 18.

After that she never did another thing. No presents, no food, no decorations. Her argument was that 20 years was a long enough shift and if others wanted it to happen they had to do it. She went on a retreat one year and left them all to it.

She is an all round fabulous woman.

There are dozens of threads like this every autumn. Why do women (and it is nearly always women) turn into the family doormat?

Sorry OP but you can sort this with one word. It is "no".

Honestly, nobody will die if you announce you are not doing Christmas this year/are going to a cottage with just your DH and DC/they can come for lunch and have to bring xyz and do the chores allocated to them on the list pinned up in the kitchen.

Why is it seemingly only you who can operate the kettle?

It is so, so depressing that women let themselves get into these situations.

I'd do all this and more. Get managerial on them. Each couple to plan and prepare a meal. Set a washing up rota.

What's the worst that can happen? They go somewhere else next time?

This sounds horrific. I would not be doing this. I’d tell DH very firmly that you are not hosting all these people for 3 days. Was it a similar situation when you hosted your family last year? It’s really not fair it’s always on you to host. I’d say to the family that you’re not hosting this year but happy to meet with people for Boxing Day to travel to a pub for a meal. Aunt can stay with her sister. BIL can stay in his own house or at his mums

Tbh, I think it’d unlikely you’d get a cottage for this year any way.

If they were to help/contribute, would you be happy to host? I can’t imagine going somewhere for Christmas and not helping out in some way.

I think you need to be brave and say that in order to host again, things need to change.

Make them help.

treat it as though you’re at a cottage if that dynamic works and you don’t get stuck catering there!

eg online shop that everyone has a link to and then split the bill. Maybe adjust for travel for those coming a long way but you don’t have to pay for it all

either allocate meals or jobs. ‘Oh, well I’m working until 3 on Xmas eve so while I’m out in the morning could you prep x y z and pop it in the fridge then I can get the potatoes done when I get back.’

don’t allow them to sit on the sofa and demand drinks. If they’re like that then get a small coffee table and put drinks glasses on it near them for the duration. Run out of teabags if necessary

Can you talk to your dh about it and say that you really have had enough and it’s not fair that your bil never takes a turn.

could you drive over to your bil for the day? Offer to be the one who drives so can’t drink with dinner. Then spend Boxing Day alone. Or say you’ll host for Boxing Day only.

Why is MIL against hiring a cottage where you can all stay and muck in? She’s going to be staying in a hotel anyway. Is it just the mucking in she doesn’t want?

Why are you making endless cups
Of tea? Kettles here, help yourself.

I get it though. PIL live abroad, I usually host. I've said no this year. They invited a couple of random friends to join us. Not a chance. They've now got an air bnb nearby and are hosting us but I am not getting involved in any food discussion / ordering / sorting it out. It's on them this year.

Delegate, and give people jobs to do.

I host ..and I get people bringing different courses, or put them in charge of various things that need doing. Ordering a delivery, surf various stuff pre-made - and when I do cook it’s easy stuff … my French Onion Soup is legend, and other that cutting onions, almost cooks itself.

Want a brew … you know where the kitchen is .

You don’t have to do all this stuff for people

They don't even need to bring it with them, they could arrange a delivery, book a food shop to arrive at a time convenient for the OP.

I host my family every year as our house is the only one big enough. It’s 9 people in total. You’re not wrong – it quickly turns not fun. My sister has suggested this year we do a picky buffet instead of traditional Christmas dinner and I’m really looking forward to trying that out.

If they've volunteered you as hostess, then they absolutely should be contributing. Just because you have the bigger house does not mean it should all be down to you.

Give them a choice, either everyone chips in or you'll be going out for Christmas dinner. If neither of these options work then they are quite welcome to stay home and sort themselves out.

Please do your own thing. Let them do theirs! It sounds exhausting. Why don’t just you partner and kids be away over Christmas so you can simply say you are away for Christmas? That cottage sounds nice x

I have been in that situation and it's tough. I tried to put my foot down so I only catered Christmas dinner ( a feat in itself) but then the lazy buggers wouldn't even help wash up afterwards and started looking at me around 6pm for dinner.

As it's your DH family can you push the majority of work onto him. Focus on your DCs and doing what you need to do for them, but tell him he needs to sort out gifts food ordering etc. Can you afford the expense? If so I would just go with it, but get DH to ask BIL to bring alcohol by pre ordering it for the house. Boxing Day definitely go out - I would get DH to send an email saying it's too much for you to cook all these meals so here's the plan for Boxing Day, price is £xx per person needing to be paid in advance.

When they get to the house, show them the kettle and say they should help themselves

Or make yourself popular with your colleagues and volunteer to work over Christmas so DH does all the work in the house, and you spend time with your DCs once everyone has gone.

@Lifethroughlenses A few things.

Firstly, what would happen if you said this? "Sorry MIL but it's a big ask. Two years ago I ran myself ragged waiting on everyone hand and foot, without even getting into how much it cost to host everyone for three days. I wouldn't mind if we took turns but I resent the expectation that we will host and finance Christmas every other year when others don't do the same. That's why I suggested a cottage, so we can spread the labour and financial burden more equitably."

Secondly, what do they do on the alternate years, when you see your family?

Thirdly, what does your husband think and why isn't he handling comms/managing expectations with his own parents and siblings?

I agree, be honest and say that the waiting on them hand and foot hosting is too much and you won't be doing it that way again. Have an honest chat with DH about what you are prepared to do.

What stopping your DH from running around doing the hosting? Presumably he knows where the kettle is?

Hi everyone! It's coming up for Christmas with you, we'd love a year off hosting this year so let's brainstorm some alternatives. X

You need to talk to your dh. You can’t keep doing what you’re doing, it’s making you miserable. He either needs to do all the work of hosting his family, find a second option or cancel it.

You say they come every other year, so what do you do for the year they aren't coming? Are you catered for etc?

I would really bite the bullet and say that you find it exhausting and not at all enjoyable.

So would I.

Of course the sponging lazy bastards say no! They want to be waited on for free. Say it’s cottage or nothing and hold the line. You can do this OP! Break the cycle.