Christmas hosting

I don’t know why people aren’t honest with family (and husbands) and say no, I can’t do this, it’s too much for me. Being knackered with a stressful job right up until Christmas Eve is not insignificant and your well-being matters.

Unfortunately if they don’t give shit about you flogging yourself, you need to assert yourself and say things are going to be different this year. They can like it or lump it. Having the bigger house and having a vagina does not automatically mean you are the default scivvy and bottlewasher for everyone else.

OP for what it would cost you to host all that you could catch a flight on xmas eve and have xmas day in the sun! No hassle no stress! However on a serious note they seem to be organising your family traditions, if you dont want to do this then don't, make your own traditions and stop it now before it gets embedded. You absolutely do not have to do this.

Exactly. Just tell them you're not doing it. How they respond to that is up to them. ETA Not just this year . Any year.

I assume the three days is down to public transport/travel distances?

They sound like staggeringly inconsiderate guests if you get no offers of financial or practical contributions (and they can’t even make their own tea).

We have had the same family member staying with us for 15+ years and this year I have broken free. @Lifethroughlenses I cannot recommend this highly enough for your own mental health.

Their visits have gradually got longer, from coming for the day to three days (and I cracked when I found out - via another family member! - that they were planning five whole days this year without asking us). They contribute nothing beyond a box of chocolates that they get cheap from work, and have even billed us when we’ve asked them to bring contributions in the past. There were lukewarm offers of help that never really added up to anything genuinely useful. Increasingly too they were excluding me and hero-worshipping DH so I felt uncomfortable in my own home. But I kept thinking that I didn’t want them to be alone, that they loved coming, that they ‘meant well’, and that one person really added not a huge amount to our bills (they were though a very enthusiastic drinker of expensive alcohol).

Now I’ve said we’re unavailable this year, the sky has not fallen in, they have made other arrangements, and I feel excited for Christmas for the first time in ages, not braced to spend it furiously texting my friends as an outlet!

Gosh that sounds so intense

I mean I love hosting but I'm not a skivvy. My in-laws are capable of putting the kettle on. My MIL has been known pre kids to bring us tea in bed when staying at ours. I think you have to weigh up to if you actually want to a family thing. If yes then it needs to be simplified with takeaway and meals out. If no then a very firm "you need to make your own plans" happens sooner rather than later.

Yes, I should point out that DH cooks the Boxing Day meal and the ham for the buffets. I only really cook Christmas dinner; cooked breakfasts are shared efforts.

There is no way I would host if I had a useless DH, or one who thinks loading the dishwasher once is a fair share of the work.

Tell your DH you're not hosting. He can if he wants, but you know you'll be wiped, and you're not up to facing it. You have provided a sensible option: you book dinner out.

Or tell him if he's adamant you have to host, then he does the cooking and cleaning up after his extended family and the endless tea making (that mysteriously they all can't seem to manage themselves, even tho they are presumably capable adults). If he is outraged by that suggestion, that will be very telling ... okay for you to essentially miss Christmas and wipe yourself out doing the grunt labour but not him?

Why on earth do you let your husband get away with this?! Just tell him it’s down to him to host this year after his lack of help previously. He can arrange everything, he can host his parents and you’ll contribute the same amount of input as he did last time. It’s so bloody disrespectful that he treats you like this.

In my rather vast experience of Christmases, family and life in general I find that once you've broken the "mould" or long standing expectation, people will begin to accept it. Admittedly it's usually grudgingly at first but then the following year they fall in with the new arrangement, until the old one is just a distant memory. Of course, you've got to have the courage to break the mould in the first place but it is the only way.

I did similar with my mother (who was a formidable woman) but once she was over the initial shock and there'd been a load of argy bargy, she realised it was the new way or nothing and she accepted it. She even enjoyed the new arrangement more than the old one after the first year.

You can't be held to ransom OP. Do Christmas your way, but with a few compromises.

Jeez OP…..sounds like a nightmare.

We normally host as same- biggest house to accommodate. I don't mind too much as everyone tends to muck in (as it should be). I have my parents, my inlaws and my DB/Sil

Bil/wife should definitely be mucking in!

Xmas eve I normally have something in the slow cooker (venison stew or curry or something)

Xmas day - I prep stuff before and freeze.

Boxing Day - my mum brings something pre made that can be heated up.

I think if you host your family you can really not host in laws but they do need to help!

We host from 23rd to the 28th but it’s a shared effort - in laws are here until the 26th; quick bed strip and bathroom clean - and my DF and DSM here from 26th to 28th, with my DB and family on 26th-27th. DB & fam stay in a hotel nearby.

It works because we delegate and prep in advance and go out for one meal either on the 23rd or the 27th and a show or concert etc on the other. We have a dishwasher which I load with pans etc and run a quick wash while we’re eating Christmas dinner, quickly unload, and reload with the plates and cutlery. Minimal washing up. Easy buffet for tea.

Boxing day lunch - a beef casserole etc cooked in advance and defrosted. Heat up and cook potatoes and veg - no gravy needed - easy. Easy buffet for tea.

Guests bring desserts and stuff for the buffet, wine and chocs etc

We usually do a cooked breakfast once per family; rest of the days are cereal, fruit, croissants, toast.

Everyone helps with drinks and snacks, clearing away and washing up what doesn’t go in the dishwasher. Someone bags up wrapping paper and takes it home to recycle.

We go out for a walk one day. SIL always brings a new board game or challenge which we enjoy.

Basically it works - because everyone helps. Our DSs are on drinks duty at meals, for example.

OP - DH needs to establish expectations. In your case, I’d go out for Boxing Day lunch - no argument. And BiL should be shown where the tea and coffee are.

I know how you feel OP, there's so much expectation and I think those who have never hosted don't appreciate the work, they seem stuck in early adulthood at Christmas time and expect other people to do everything for them.

The argument you need to have is probably with your husband. It sounds like you might be able to refuse to host, what would they all do if you said 'we're not hosting this year'? I can't, if I don't host my BIL expects my 89yo MIL to host him and his family for a fortnight (he's late 50s and never had Christmas in his own house!). And since MIL is lovely I put up with him for a few days for her sake. Will be interesting to see what he does when she dies because I have no intention of hosting him after that.

We’re spending Christmas in a holiday cottage and going out for lunch. Very few holiday cottages have kitchens that are up to cooking a traditional lunch and it would be much more stressful.

Don’t make all the tea, let everyone sort themselves out. Set expectations well in advance - the person who cooks doesn’t clear up, everyone brings something, they’re all on their own for breakfast, etc. Presumably you’ll be doing what you call the peripherals wherever you were.

Just tell your family and OHs family that hosting just isn't enjoyable for you any more - you're happy to see them but would enjoy it more if it was just one day and/or everyone 'mucked in'.
You deserve to enjoy christmas too.

There are some ways to maybe make it a little easier for yourself.

Get a takeaway xmas eve (everyone pays for what they order).
Provide and cook xmas dinner - ask for help cleaning up though.
Make sure there was a little tea/coffee 'station' in kitchen and make it clear everyone helps themselves.
Book a meal for boxing day (again, everyone pays for what they eat - or if they don't want to go leftovers/sandwich supplies are in the fridge, see ya later)

Or - just don't host? Tell everyone you're not up to it and you want to spend the day as a family alone. Book yourselves somewhere and say sorry we are not available this year. Try and reduce the 3 days to 1-2?

Grow a pair and start dictating your take on xmas. I would be saying
Dear family happy to host Christmas lunch for you all on xmas day. Suggest this year you all book a hotel or airbnb... as I work full time and need a break too and want to spend time in my PJs with just my family not running around after you all like an unpaid domestic servant .
Suggest we all meet up at the Xx pub on boxing day at lunchtime. And would be happy to come to your rental place if you want to host another get together.

Just book a table at a hotel for your own unit and then say to the pils that they're welcome to join however they'll till have to book it & be at their own expense. It's then upto them if they want to join you or not, if they don't attend then you'll know why.

It’s the law in this house that whoever cooks the Christmas dinner (me) relaxes on the sofa with coffee/gin/chocolates afterwards, while others - I don’t give a toss who - clear the table, load the dishwasher/tidy the kitchen and leave it pristine. 🙂

If it's been agreed then I'd do something but I would suggest they arrive Christmas morning and stay just the one night. Ask everyone to choose a dish to bring along.

YANBU.
I never hosted in my life and didn't miss out on anything.

This.

I'm a bit puzzled that you're making endless cups of tea, OP. Stop offering - when they arrive tell them they have full self-service rights and they are to make themselves tea or coffee when they fancy it. This is if you do go ahead with it - as I suspect you will.

Everyone always comes to mind at Christmas. I send lists telling them what to bring with them eg my step dad does all the veg, peeled ready to cook. My sister lives abroad and so can't bring things, but always sorts out Xmas eve dinner, so I buy it and she pays, I tell her how much she owes me. She arrives and immediately starts cooking it.

Sounds like you need to organise people into doing it. Also I never make tea and coffee, it's help yourself around here!!

BIL doesn’t drive so v limited on what they can bring. Aunt lives abroad so can’t really contribute.

Why can't these lazy fuckers organise and pay for a big food shop to be delivered to your house? They're taking advantage and saving themselves a small fortune each Christmas.

Tell everyone you're doing Christmas lunch and that's it - you have plans for Christmas Eve and Boxing Day with the kids. They can all stay in a hotel.