Christmas hosting

Just don't host. Stop this alternating nonsense. Everyone has to have a turn if you must. BUT you have your own family now. Why do you want to waste your dc childhood by spending it exhausted cooking and cleaning?

We do not do the carting around from house to house when we had dc. Any lunch planned is done by every single family making one or two meals. And everyone pitches in with the cleaning.
My dc being relaxed at home, and us as parents having a great relaxed day is more important than anything. Thankfully the GP's have realised that they have had their time and choose to make the day about the dc and what would be most comfortable for them.

Just stop the hosting. You are wasting precious years away by doing this. If no one is willing to share the burden equally then just stop.

Stand up for yourself, it's either a cottage/Air b&b with everybody contributing to cost or you DH and DC are having Christmas alone this year.

She didn't say that she hosted when it was her family's Christmas

You're right, @RitzyMcFee, and it was silly of me to have missed that

The point still holds good about what's being expected of OP though, in that if she's supposed to do a lot she wouldn't be doing for her own family, the least they could do is pitch in

And what's with the "endless cups of tea" anyway? Don't they have hands to plug in a kettle?

Presumably it went okay when you hosted your own family, or you'd have said you were tired of that too?

She didn't say that she hosted when it was her family's Christmas

Perhaps they live nearby and so don't need to be hosted for three days. Maybe there aren't as many of them so they don't all need to be at the OP's house.
Or one of her family members might have a bigger house than the OP.
They might all pitch in so the OP doesn't have to do everything.
They could be drivers who don't live overseas so aren't restricted on bringing contributions.

Don't kid yourself! The expectation of your husband's family will absolutely be that you are still the host, you will still be doing it all. In an unfamiliar kitchen.

" I didn’t spend quality time with the kids because I was making endless cups of tea."
That is just plain wrong. And very unfair on you.

"I’m likely working until lunchtime Xmas eve and my work is really stressful in that period."
Then you knock it on the head, completely. You tell everyone that this year you will be having a quiet you-and-the-kids-only Christmas, and you tell them this TODAY so that they have plenty of time to arrange an alternate Christmas between themselves.

Presumably it went okay when you hosted your own family, or you'd have said you were tired of that too?

So whatever worked with them, do that as far as possible:
Are yours more willing to lend a hand? Hand BIL/SIL something to do
Are they just more relaxing to be around? Remember it's your Christmas too and you don't have to put on a performance
Do yours readily chip in? Tell BIL/SIL what you want them to contribute/bring

And so on ...

Agree about the cottage, you'll end up like Kev on that Motherland episode.

YANBU

I would consider, as a compromise, saying you're happy to offer the home as the venue but you're not offering to take on the catering and organisation again. If someone is prepared to take on the organisation (including online shop/splitting of costs/delegation of tasks to everyone) then you're happy to offer the venue.

Drop that rope. You did the venue, organisation, paying, catering, work last time...definitely NOT your turn to do all of that again, especially the organisation of it - which can be worse than doing it all yourself...

Book a suitable holiday rental, location, location, location.
Make a military style timetable of days and duties, evenly distributed.
Distribute to all involved, women, men and children, at least twice well in advance. Follow up with jolly phone call announcing New Tradition.
Take Christmas by the scruff of the neck and resist the enormous load that is imposed, mainly on women. Good luck

If you don’t want to, don’t 🤷‍♀️

”want to spend more time with the kids this year. See you at such and such place for lunch on Boxing Day.”

This is exactly why I stopped several years ago and my family of four go to a hotel. £400 well spent in my opinion. I was fed up of feeling like I didn't spend Christmas day with my children. You are likely to upset people but stick up for yourself, life is hard enough. Good luck!

You can decide to have the Christmas you and your DH want.

However, both extended families should be offered the same arrangements.

I find hosting hard work and little joy. When I do I am a bit of a perfectionist. With plenty of warning and discussion our extended families know that we are at home alternate years and the two of us away alternate years.
This has helped adult children and our parents make plans too.

Even if we host my parents will make and bring most of the food, and my DH will tell me to sit down and talk to my mum
while he clears the table and sort the washing up. 😅 But I will do the presents and set the table nicely, decorate the house etc which is more work.

There's no reason why costs can't be shared.

Or the workload for that matter. They shouldn't be sitting about whilst you slave away

They wash up, they help prepare the veg. They make the tea

You play with the kids and they sort out the tea - they can all make turkey sandwiches

I agree. Do not suggest anything else, or you will be the organizer.

“I’m working Christmas Eve so won’t be able to host Christmas this year. What do you fancy doing instead? We could book a lovely cottage somewhere together and go out to a pub/ restaurant for Christmas dinner”

I have to agree strongly with this. I have done a few group holidays with friends who all get on really well, but inevitably there will be the ones who say things like ‘sounds like a great idea!’ and ‘let me know what I can bring’, and the ones who are finding the house, meal planning, drawing up shopping lists etc.

Aunt from abroad and non driving brother can still contribute. They can order online to be delivered. When we lived abroad we always did this.

Don’t push the cottage idea otherwise you’ll end up the main organiser and people will still expect you to be the host even in another place.
Just say you are not up for hosting this year and ask who wants to take a turn. Leave it at that.

It sounds batshit crazy that you should both host and pay for it all, for three days? Of course they don’t want to get a cottage, funny that. Think of your children and yourself. It’s absolutely fine to tell the truth, it’s too exhausting and too expensive.

Well done for putting in your boundaries 👏 enjoy!!

YANBU - sounds like you need a rest, so don't host for 3 days! Decide what you would be prepared to do with DH family, suggest it to them, and let people pick and choose what they join you for. Don't open your home for a big long weekend hosting if it is too overwhelming, else it'll just breed ill-feeling, stress, and you'll feel more exhausted than you were before Christmas!

I don't really see how going out for 1 lunch will help the situation when it's 3 days of drudgery. Also agree a cottage will be worse and they can make their own tea.

I don't drive either and I get presents and food ordered and delivered in advance or go in a taxi/cadge a lift from another guest if there's decent shopping nearby. At the very least there will be somewhere nearby that sells alcohol and chocolate.

I think assigning everyone something they can do would help take the pressure off and surely not annoy them too much - one person does the teas, one person loads the dishwasher etc. DH should do more too, especially in the run up.