Christmas hosting

What do they all do on the years when you're spending Christmas with your own family? Does BIL/MIL host? Or do BIL and family spend Christmas with his wife's family?

That's a lot of people to be spending Christmas all together for several days. It sounds like something which you might be able/willing to host occasionally, but not every second year. Avoid getting stuck in patterns which people come to expect as a regular tradition. Maybe this year you could host just MIL and aunt from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day, for example, and see BIL and family at another time over the Christmas holiday.

Yes, this. They can decide they don't want a holiday cottage, but that shouldn't automatically mean you have to host these lazy stingy people for days on end. The 2 things aren't connected, unless you choose for them to be.

A cottage is off the table because others don't want to? You have your solutions right there!!

By that statement, you hosting is off the table because some (you and DH) don't want to!!

When now DH and I bought our first flat together, I made it clear that I didn't want to get into any Christmas routines that we would find it hard to break when we had children. So we had a lovely quiet Christmas Day and would see wider family Boxing Day or the few days between Christmas and New Year (a mix of them coming to us or we going to them).
Then we got cats; my DM died and we moved further away. The cattery wasn't open Christmas Day or Boxing Day so we had those days on our own and the cats went to the cattery on the 27th for a few days. It was brilliant. No-one questioned our decision and everyone was happy to see us on our terms. It was probably easier because we both had jobs that shut down for the Christmas period.
When we had children our routine was already established and we continued to have quiet family Christmasses before going to visit PIL and see Aunts, Uncles and cousins.
This only changed after DC were adults and FIL died. We didn't want to leave MIL on her own so we've all spent Christmas with her since then (apart from lockdown) as she has the biggest house and enjoys hosting.
DC both now have their own homes and partners but don't yet live with them. MIL and DC have been invited to us this year (and made clear that partners are welcome too). We will have to collect MIL and take her back. No firm plans have been made and no expectation that DC must come to us and none that we will expect an invitation in the future.
Christmasses have been so much more relaxed having managed expectations right from the start and I would wholeheartedly recommend this approach!

Of course the other “don’t want” to do something different like a cottage or out for lunch! As it stands they get the whole thing entirely catered for them, and paid for!

You need to say to them “‘no, I’m not hosting and doing it all again”. Why does having the biggest house make you everyone’s servant!?

We often host 24-26th and we set it up like this after one year of what the OP is describing - which was hell on earth. We no longer host PIL because they expect to be waited on and generally hog the day/conversation/atmosphere etc, we take them for a meal sometime in the week before Christmas then they go off to BIL and declare if the best Christmas ever on repeat. Coincidentally they pay for everything at BIL’s and bring sod all to ours but I digress.

24th arrive from 2-4pm then pub dinner and a glass of wine at 5pm. It’s walking distance and various friends, their guests etc join as they please and it’s usually very pleasant. Hope for movie, pyjamas, cheeseboard and sweets.

25th brunch at 11am - pastries, sourdough toast, yogurt, granola and berries. Endless coffee and tea. Dinner at 4pm and it takes hours between courses and clear up. By 9pm DH and I are usually drinking port and wishing everyone would go to bed.

26th is bacon sandwiches at 12noon after long lies then everyone away by 2pm.

You could suggest they cook on Christmas Eve. Say you will be working so could they arrange a grocery delivery of whatever ingredients they need and prepare something as you will be working.

Book to go away on Boxing Day, or 27th latest. That’s what my brother with the big house is doing and I don’t blame him!

‘Right family, we are all going on holiday this year, this is the hotel if you are coming too.’😀

I think it is about manageability. Cut down the length of stay if nothing else @Lifethroughlenses
‘We are serving a buffet tea on Christmas Eve at 18.00, we are not available beforehand’. Same again Boxing Day ‘ we will all have breakfast at 10.30, giving you time to drive home in the light, we are off for a long walk’.

If you have to do Christmas at least it is little more than a day. I've done it and managed. My DM always tried to extend her stay, I used the above!

It is hard. It’s fairly simple. But it’s hard. That guilt, though, is internal. It’s not reasonable for you to feel guilty for refusing to have them at your house when you’ve made a perfectly good alternative suggestion that they’ve waved aside because it suits them to have you shoulder all the planning and expense.

Be more honest in your communication with them. They aren’t considering you when they make their preferences known, there is nothing wrong with insisting your Christmas is as important as theirs. The only way that is going to happen is if you and/or DH make it clear to them what you want.

@Lifethroughlenses we are locked into alternate Christmas days too. Fil spends it in Spain every year so at least that's one less complication.

Since having D's in 2019 we've gotten much better at making it clear it's our Christmas too, mostly his tbh.

When it's my family's turn we either host or go to my mum's. Everyone mucks in and it's fine.

When it's my mil's turn we host. Dh picks her up around 11am so he's around to help with prep/D's and takes her home about 4/5pm so he has the evening to chill and have a drink (we don't have an extra room or we'd genuinely offer for her to stay over) Boxing day is our day to chill with D's and his toys, tubs of sweets, films etc.

I would meet them half way this year - say you're happy to do Christmas dinner but like a pp says, Christmas eve is a takeaway, boxing day is picky bits or out for lunch (and finances are split) and if people want tea they can darn well help themselves to the kettle. You are a host, not a skivvy!

Rota, put people on washing up if you're cooking
, clearing up the mess etc

Show people where the tea/ coffee , sugar, milk and mugs are and tell them the can make their own.

Don't do over fussy meals. Last time we had a family Christmas we did pizza on Christmas Eve.
Boxing day left over turkey mixed with mushroom ( or other ) soup, make a pastry top out of ready rolled pastry boom! hand made turkey pie.

We rarely host my family because it’s spread around more

In that case I see no reason not to suggest alternatives to the hosting you've done for inlaws for years - besides, the arrival of your own DCs is usually a time for new traditions to be made for the children's sake and your own

And frankly, if the ILs are the type to just sit there while everyone else works hard, it's about time

OP remember that these people are adults who cook and make tea for themselves just fine for the rest of the year. This behaviour is a choice and you don't have to accept it.

But it's time to stop feeling guilty - once the change is made, it will become the status quo next time. The alternative is festering resentment. Just bite the bullet and tell them how it's going to be from now on, don't ask them.

So it's time to send out a message to both sets of parents and say you've had twenty years of hosting and you're ready for a break. Send them a list of airbnbs in the area and ask them to sort themselves out, and send a choice of one or two restaurants for xmas day lunch and tell them to choose quickly as everything's booking up. Then say that each couple - you & DH, in-laws and your DPs will pay for their own meal. Tell them you'll host a Boxing Day picky buffet and tell them what their contribution is - wine, champers, whatever.

If / when you get howls of outrage, keep repeating after 20 years it's time for a change. Stick to your guns! They might even enjoy the new regime. You certainly will!

I didn’t spend quality time with the kids because I was making endless cups of tea.

But this is up to you. You have a mouth and you could just show them where the kettle is if they don’t already know. This is being a martyr or a doormat.

As your hosting because you have the biggest house presumably if you’re not available they can gather at your BiL’s house, staying in a hotel if necessary?

I think you do have to keep reminding yourself that it's your Christmas too and you don't actually owe to anyone other than your children, to provide Christmas.
Just because your mil wants to do it a certain way ( in your house, at your expense), it doesn't follow that you have to give her what she wants.
Your own family take it in turns to host, so why should she family get out of any effort?

But it won't change unless you change. You've got to put on your big girl pants and send a message in the family group chat to say you are working Christmas Eve, are tired and don't get enough time with your kids, so want a quiet Christmas with just them and won't be hosting. When it kicks off, you should point out that you do it every time it's 'your' year and that it's tiring, expensive and unfair.
What do they all do on the year you go to your family?

@@Lifethroughlenses

Could be worse. I have hosted for the last 20 years, every single Christmas (except covid year) for my parents and the in-laws too. I dread it every year and they stay for around 4 days! I am the only child and no-one else will offer to have them or invite them 🙄

Op don't waste your dc childhood by doing this. You will regret it one day if you aren't already resenting it now. Get them all to book into somewhere else and go out for Xmas lunch. This setup of alternating hosting families is actually dying out now, I don't know anyone who does this without sharing in the costs/workload. Actually most people we know are staying at home on Xmas day with families and doing the family visits on Boxing day. The burden on young families to host and cater is just ridiculous.

MIL may not want to go out for Christmas lunch but she clearly doesn't want to cook her own either. And she's not the boss of you. Say straight out 'I'm working right up till Christmas so we're going out for our Christmas Day meal this year. If you would rather stay at home and do your own thing that's fine. Let me know either way'

With BIL, send him a list and say 'this gets round the transport problem, please get them delivered to ours for the week before. Or give me your card details and DH will add it to our shop'.

3 days is far too long.
They could come for the day. They just don't want to.
Talk to DH first, this week, and say you can't host them for 3 days and don't want to so an alternative will have to be found. Discuss some alternatives and then DH presents them to the family and they decide which one they want to do but there is no option to come to your place for 3 days again.
It's just far too much over Christmas and spoils the time you have with your own children.