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AIBU?

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Original poster

Art class before family trip

80 replies

Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 09:37

There is a fair chance I am being unreasonable but I have lost sight of what is and isn’t normal. I’ll do my best to give all the details so that you can give me your opinions and advice, thank you.

Tomorrow, DD, DH and I have to travel somewhere, it is about 2.5 hours there and back. When we are there we will do some shopping and have a meal. We didn’t set a time but would usually leave around 10 or 11 am for this sort of thing. DD has an art class between 9 and 11 in the morning and I said it was a shame she would miss it. DH said this trip was important to him as he will be leaving for 3 weeks to go to work on Sunday (this is a regular occurrence). I asked if he thought she should go for an hour (finish class at 10am) and he was really angry. He told me I always put her first before him. I said it was only asking and it was fine that she didn’t go but he was so angry that he didn’t sleep all night.

I can understand his point of view but I don’t feel it was such a bad thing to ask. He says I’m thoughtless and don’t consider his feelings and shouldn’t have said that when we were in bed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
OchonAgusOchonOh · 20/09/2024 10:51

Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 10:42

He is not her father, we have been married 2 years and since we have been together he finds work harder than previously. He has his own children, now grown up so indeed, he knew what it involves regarding leaving the family.

Show quote history

It sounds like he resents your dd then if he's complaining that you put her before him. Surely anyone marrying someone who already has children knows that the child will always (or at least should) come first?

You say this behaviour isn't consistent. Is that because he normally gets his own way? Do you give in "for an easy life"? You're really not doing your dd any favours by exposing her to this type of behaviour and a man who resents her.

Original poster
Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 10:42

Rewis · 20/09/2024 10:36

If he travels for work regularly why is he so upset? Obviously everyone is differnet but growing up my dad travelled for work all the time. It was so normal that we didn't need to skip hobbies and make our lives revolve around dad's work to make the time special. It was just life in our family that dad went away for work.

"He told me I always put her first before him."
I'm curious about this part. Is he her dad? Does he not put her before you? Also you say you understand his view. Well I don't.

Edited

He is not her father, we have been married 2 years and since we have been together he finds work harder than previously. He has his own children, now grown up so indeed, he knew what it involves regarding leaving the family.

OP posts:
Rewis · 20/09/2024 10:36

If he travels for work regularly why is he so upset? Obviously everyone is differnet but growing up my dad travelled for work all the time. It was so normal that we didn't need to skip hobbies and make our lives revolve around dad's work to make the time special. It was just life in our family that dad went away for work.

"He told me I always put her first before him."
I'm curious about this part. Is he her dad? Does he not put her before you? Also you say you understand his view. Well I don't.

Original poster
Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 10:33

I thought it was a good compromise too but was pretty unsure about myself because of his reaction. PP mentioned that this is probably not the first time that he has done something along these lines and that is true but it is not consistent, other times he is great which may be why this made me doubt myself so much.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 20/09/2024 10:25

I think you plan was great, take D to art class. You two have a nice breakfast together pick her up and go the the store - she can snack in the back.

Going shopping and a meal isnt how I'd be spending quality time with a 5 year old before I went away though. Is there no zoo or child friendly activity near where you will be driving to. Or if he is worried about money and the weather will be nice a nice outside place to pay and picnic at.

And yes, the child is put first because you choose to make her and choose to commit to an activity class. It's likely you'll need to pay for the class anyway, and if it's not it's likely you'll end up further down the waiting list if it's a small class as the instructor needs acting and a secure form of income not flaky parents who cancel unless the child is sick.

Original poster
Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 10:23

AlexanderArnold · 20/09/2024 10:19

Is he actually angry about his job, which takes him away for three weeks at a time? That must be hard.

Yes, that is hard on us all but it is a regular occurrence and part of his career. He's been doing it for close to 20 years. You are correct, he is angry because of both of these things happening together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 10:21

It is important to him because he will be travelling to a different country for work on Sunday so wants to spend the day with us but DD and I definitely have to go. When we do trips like this I always take snacks and we have a nice time. DD loves to travel especially on the train and boat so although it is a little bit longer than ideal but it will be pleasant enough.

OP posts:
UnctuousUnicorns · 20/09/2024 10:20

If I realised I were married to a man so emotionally immature that he had an all night sulkathon over such a non issue as you have described, then I would be seriously considering if I wished to stay married to him.

AlexanderArnold · 20/09/2024 10:19

Is he actually angry about his job, which takes him away for three weeks at a time? That must be hard.

NoahsTortoise · 20/09/2024 10:17

Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 10:09

We will be taking the train and a short ferry so she will enjoy the trip. It is DD and I who have to go, DH was just coming along for company and because when we do 'adventures' like that to new places it is always fun.

Personally given this I would skip the class this week as you could face delays etc and end up getting there much later than planned.

Not sure why your DH is making it him vs your daughter though - why is the trip important to him?

Rennovating4Eva · 20/09/2024 10:16

What a big baby Hmm

(Him. For the avoidance of doubt)

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 20/09/2024 10:15

Let her do the art class and go afterwards.

BettyBardMacDonald · 20/09/2024 10:14

Leafcutterantsarecool · 20/09/2024 10:05

He was so angry he didn’t sleep all night?!

That is very very not normal. That is a level of rage wildly disproportionate to a suggestion that your child’s class means it makes sense to leave at 11 not 9, for a trip with no set timings. Frankly I’d be a bit scared if my DH was so angry over something so ridiculous as a suggestion to go shopping an hour later. Either he has a serious anger problem or he’s deflecting from whatever is really going on.

This x100. He sounds self-centered, resentful and angry.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 20/09/2024 10:14

She should go to the class. He's being ridiculous.

Needmorelego · 20/09/2024 10:12

@Amoozbooze he's being a bit dramatic tbh.
Tell him "we will leave after the art class and you can either come with us or stay home and sulk".

sunsetsandboardwalks · 20/09/2024 10:12

I'll bet this isn't the first time he's behaved like this.

GinandGingerBeer · 20/09/2024 10:09

She's 5 and he's pissed off you 'always put her before him?'

I thought you were going to say she was 15 or something!

Original poster
Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 10:09

We will be taking the train and a short ferry so she will enjoy the trip. It is DD and I who have to go, DH was just coming along for company and because when we do 'adventures' like that to new places it is always fun.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 10:05

Needmorelego · 20/09/2024 10:02

Is it just shopping and a meal?
You don't have to do that? Why 2 and a half hours away?

We have to pick something up on that date but at any time and that will not take long at all. Apart from that we were just going to make the most of the trip and then head home.

OP posts:
Choosingmiddleschool · 20/09/2024 10:05

Why do you have to drag a 5 year old 2.5 hours and back for shopping and a meal? Is there some thing which all 3 of you you have to do there?

You know your DD best but mine wouldn’t like to leave half way through some thing.

Leafcutterantsarecool · 20/09/2024 10:05

He was so angry he didn’t sleep all night?!

That is very very not normal. That is a level of rage wildly disproportionate to a suggestion that your child’s class means it makes sense to leave at 11 not 9, for a trip with no set timings. Frankly I’d be a bit scared if my DH was so angry over something so ridiculous as a suggestion to go shopping an hour later. Either he has a serious anger problem or he’s deflecting from whatever is really going on.

Needmorelego · 20/09/2024 10:02

Is it just shopping and a meal?
You don't have to do that? Why 2 and a half hours away?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/09/2024 10:01

Why is he upset. Is it because he misses her when he is away so wants to spend the entire day with her before he goes?

Original poster
Amoozbooze · 20/09/2024 09:54

I should add, we have already paid for the class last week in advance so it is not a financial issue

OP posts:
sunflowerdaisyrose · 20/09/2024 09:53

I'd expect to go at 11 from the art class - especially if it's new!