DH listing out ‘his chores’ . I’m sick of it !

Make your own list.
My DH freely admits he has no idea how much I actually do to make life just run. But when he complains I just point out how much I have actually done that day and he realises he has it easy

My ex was like this. I used to joke about it with friends and thought it was all men.

It's not.

DP is brilliant round the house. He probably does a lot more than me (whilst also working a physically demanding job). He'll get in from work, feed the dogs, put a wash on, start getting tea ready... He just gets on with it and never says a thing.

Life is so much easier, calmer and happier!

You have 4 children - because he considers you responsible for household.

Point out to him that whilst there are 5 of you living in the house, 3 of them are unable to pull their own weight. Therefore you and him have to do the tasks of 2.5 people each, and whilst you recognise that this is a pain in the arse, you really don't want to be pulling the weight for 4 people, so please can he start not just pulling his own weight, but 1.5 extra?

Sometimes it isn't apparent to men some that pulling their own weight is not enough when there are cute-but-useless kids in the mix.

The 5 year old can start doing a bit though - it doesn't take a grown adult to fetch a potty, for example (unless it needs emptying in a tidy manner).

Life must feel like neverending drudge work, do either of you go out and do your own thing?

Have you had an open conversation about how you're both feeling?

Does he pull his weight? Can you take it in turns to feed the children and get organised so the other isn't being called every five minutes?

Very good.
Cheeky twat.
I would be particularly tempted by the divorce bit.

Remind him that if you divorce him he will have to do it all AND 50% of childcare.
Has someone been putting new ideas in his head @Pinkchickglitterpants ? Changes in behaviour get prompted by something.

I've read that to pay someone that does all a wife and mother does would be shelling out £150.000 a year at least. Bargain id say.

I’d be tempted to add another “job” to his list - grow the fuck up.

But seriously, I’d have a conversation about how many adults live in the house and how many of those adults are the parents of your children.

Absolutely this.
Only do things for your children.
Nothing whatsoever for him.
3 young children with a full-time job is very tough.
Conserve your energy.
Sort out your contraception.
For many familys the 3rd child puts them over the edge.
You need to mind yourself first, your children need you well.
Cut out ANY task that doesn't benefit the children.

He sounds like a complete loser with one foot out the door.
Loser man child.

Next time he lists out his jobs, stop him in his tracks and say the following

‘“ DH do you want a medal? Do you think that the things you do are extraordinary? You are a father, you decided to make the decisions in your life to have a family? This is what it means to be a father. This is what it means to partake in the family!! what you are doing is not in anyway amazing or in need of reward. You are doing what needs to be done, like I am,day in day out. Like every other parent does day in and day out. You are not being an amazing partner or an amazing parent. You are just doing what needs to be done. If it’s a case of not feeling appreciated, then I am letting you know now you are appreciated and what you do is appreciated, but I don’t need to appreciate them every moment at the moment that you do them. You can just assume that you are appreciated and that you are needed, now get on with it and do your job”

Playing devil's advocate but do you have the same standards? I ask as my ex was obsessed with the state of the house, for me adequately tidy was enough. I felt he was constantly asking me to do stuff that (imo) wasn't necessary, I valued my downtime over some of the household stuff that he considered necessary. Even with DC, he was very 'helicopter' where I encouraged independence. He felt I wS lazy, I felt he was making his life harder by choice...

I'm not saying separate but maybe have a conversation, align on what you both consider 'the essentials' and divvy out the tasks to just take the friction away.

Read FairPlay, make him read it, download the cards and have him see the current state of division of labour. That and couples therapy. This resentment will kill the marriage and cause you to be desperately unhappy.

I’d get him a massive reward chart and stick it on the fridge whilst secretly plotting to divorce him

F me.
What a way to live - voluntarily.
☹️

Definitely write your list. And then see what he says

Mine does this sometimes
On Monday he completely lost it, and got all huffy and said he felt resentful that he had to empty the bin and take the recycling out!

I basically said well done quite sarcasticly then he started listed all the things he does that I don't notice. Which wasn't truthful.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing! It'd as if he wants a medal, it should be just done!

I did start picking up on the little things he didn't do, but I wouldn't advise it, as it's petty and you will get nowhere when you have 3 small children to take care of.

I'd be telling him you both live in the house and if you need him to do something he should be doing it. You are a team, I'd be telling him him how hurt you are when he ignores you and if he helped you more you wouldn't be a "nag" which you aren't being by the way, then maybe things would be better.

Maybe a list of things that are you could both take responsibility for might help.

Making your own list is good.

But, for me, as an incredibly petty person, this doesn't go far enough.
Stop everything you do for him.
No more cooking for him
No more washing his clothes
No more cleaning up after him.

Only focus on yours and the children stuff. That will drive the point home.

But it may not be best to listen to my advice, because I am in bad mood today 😕

I would say “Well done 👏 I’ll add 3 stars to your reward chart Good job 👏

Perhaps, if he says, "I've changed 3 nappies," you could say, "oh is that all? I've changed 5 today, so you'd better do the next 2 — we don't want a situation where one of us is taking more of the load."

"Today I've taken the rubbish out, wiped the table, put away the toys," you reply, "Oh I didn't realise! I've been doing so much extra work. I've done the dishes, two loads of washing, walked the dog, cleaned the car, organised the lunches, ordered the new babygros, been on the phone to sort out the council tax, GP appointments, vaccinations, and school homework issue, changed 6 nappies, helped DCs 1 and 2 with homework, got the shopping in and hoovered the hall. That means you can do the next two days' chores to make it equal."

If he does 10 things
You do 10 things.
Your list will obviously include dc but no dh's meals or washing or tidy up.
Tit for tat I say.
But I'm petty like that.

You could buy him some well done stickers so he can see how childish he’s being, or respond to his list with your own.

Or sit down when the kids are asleep and tell him it’s pretty serious what this behaviour says about your marriage - that you didn’t have 3 kids by yourself, that you’re supposed to be a team pulling together rather than glory grabbing for basic care of the kids and home, that him ignoring you is extremely hurtful and disrespectful and that it’s starting to kill your respect for him and attraction to him. Explain in i phrases that when he does that you feel alone and upset. That it doesn’t feel like a partnership and if nothing changes things don’t look good longer term.

Write your list. Write his. Then tell him which tasks he’ll pick up to make it 50/50

Write your own list and staple it to his fucking balls.

Part of me thinks don’t engage with this dickish behaviour but the other part says write down absolutely everything you do for a week and get him to do the same then compare. The object of the exercise after that would be to have an adult conversation about the fact that as parents you both have to take responsibility for your kids. Knock the whole “I’m helping” narrative on the head, if you both work FT the home stuff needs to be 50:50.