DH listing out ‘his chores’ . I’m sick of it !

If he has got the time to make a list he obviously isn’t that busy!

To do list on the fridge and tick off each one as you go along and he will see how much you are doing

He admitted he ignores you when you ask for help?! Sorry OP you have four children in the house

Given him one of these.

Or as a PP suggested, pin it to his scrotum. 😆

Don’t give up your career @Pinkchickglitterpants

I clung on to mine with a lazy horrible twat of an exH who did sweet fuck all to share the load when we had kids. He worked full time, did the garden maintenance and took the bins out. I worked full time and did everything else.

I ended the marriage 2 years ago, when DS was 8 and DD 4.5. Now I mow the lawns and put the bins out and it turns out being married to a lazy prick is excellent training for being a single mother- I’ve adjusted very easily.

https://www.google.co.uk/search?client=safari&sca_esv=7ffb7a96b4e8ce9c&sca_upv=1&hl=en-gb&q=eve+rodsky&udm=7&fbs=AEQNm0Aa4sjWe7Rqy32pFwRj0UkWd8nbOJfsBGGB5IQQO6L3JzWreY9LW7LdGrLDAFqYDH2lNRNVm2fkdfNI8a8MNHxmDZRv6nXaEcWOTFM0nIm055s2dJJMu34ZP40_wGjKlZl2DC0cKLkUXSyynMHE1rcvnLR6yAa22HXiQr1hG50GD2JZBbzzc6gXPtVNIU-8VNVr836hi9AoKkNR6ETg9LyEsbYuPg&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwid8djOmtGIAxWRakEAHR1JG2EQtKgLegQICxAB&biw=375&bih=627&dpr=3#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:f76a53b7,vid:j7_12ZJP_9w,st:0

This is link to a video by Eve Rodsky. Her book Fair Play is on audible. It’s a bit American so some bits don’t relate so well to the UK, but mostly it’s incredibly helpful.

She listed all the invisible work that goes into parenting and running a house (that usually falls to women) and then created ‘Fair Play’ cards. The basic idea is that you are both equally responsible, you need to have mutually agreed standards of care and then all those tasks should be fairly split. Both parents should have self care time and equal amounts of ‘unicorn’ time that is time for them to do what they like.

I found it really helpful in having those conversations with my DH who seemed to think by doing a bit of cooking, washing up, laundry and childcare, he was, not only, a wonderfully modern, feminist man, but also a hero deserving of huge amounts of appreciation and gratitude. He’d tell me he’d ‘done the washing for me.’ Nope, it’s just the shit that needs doing and we both need to do it.

He does his fair share now (although there is a weary sigh that says ‘look at everything I do’ whenever I am in ear shot). Dear god he’s no idea. There are single parents that in one day manage to juggle more than he does in a week. But it is fair now and I do t get the ‘I did this for you’ anymore.

I did this
DH then apologised profusely

ExH used to do this. Along with complaining I didn't praise him for it. He never once in 20 years cleaned the loo or did the laundry. By the end he was leaving me notes of instructions.

Tosser.

Get a dishwasher - no one in our house washes up (expect for pans). Make a rota of who is doing what, maybe that will help with resentment as will show clearly that you do vastly more. Include nursery, school runs, play dates, trips to park and other activities (include who is taking them/picking them up). Did your DH want a third child? The only reason I ask is I’ve seen other dads of three pull this shit, mostly because they had been clear about only wanting 2 kids (some only 1).

I agree. If you’re doing his washing, tidying up after him, making lunch, cooking for him just stop. If he asks just tell him that you’re sick of him behaving like a martyr over entry level chores and if he doesn’t share the load equally and without this ridiculous “performance listing” he’s on his own.

Men do this because fundamentally they see doing anything domestic or childcare related as an imposition on them. Men think they shouldn't have to do anything other than paid work, no matter what their partner's situation.

A bit of a different situation as my DH has mental health problems and I have physical health problems so both disabled. But...

I was so sick of the place getting so bad and me not having energy to do anything else but clean so I wrote out a big list of everything that needs doing, and how many time per week.i showed him and asked if there's any jobs he especially does/ doesn't want to do, then split the jobs and wrote him a chart of what he needs to do each day.

It's been 2 weeks and the place is so much better! I still have to keep saying "have u checked your list" but that's better than having to check if each job needs doing then tell him to do them individually!!

You shouldn't have to ask he should just do it , but yes as others have said if he wants to play that game make your own list and tell him every time you do something

Write your own list and log his next to it. It's called parenting what a twonk.

Include wifework management tasks as well as who physically empties the potty or cooks the dinner.

Absolutely this - you need to write out an exhaustive list, especially if you have to collect HIS dry cleaning et al. I know, I know another job for you to do. Pin it on the fridge!!!! They really think they do it all, don't they???

This!

I was thinking exactly the same thing. Bloody soul destroying.

Wow he deserves a medal and an OBE! Cheeky bugger

^ This. He does need to grow up! You are in the parenting trenches currently. It’s relentless!

If you can grab half an hour and go somewhere neutral for a drink that would be ideal. Have a list prepared of everything you have done in the last week. Then compare it with his list.

Then say you don’t want to be in a relationship where your other half, who is meant to be your team mate and supporter, is resentfully keeping score, especially when you are doing far more than he does! The better you work together, the quicker you get it all done.

Explain that raising three kids is a lot of work and whether you could afford getting in a baby-sitter to cover one weekend morning, afternoon, or evening, to give you all a break. Or what are his other suggestions? That you work pt and he earns more?

FFS you shouldn’t have to orchestrate this kind of chat but there we are. Very disappointing for you op 💐

Knowing that you need to both have full time jobs having 3 children so close together was not the best idea to make a happy family.

Yup Eve Rodsky Fair Play could be pretty helpful here

Needs a serious conversation - does he feel put upon? Say you're struggling too so let's change things. Both of you write a list together of all the jobs, & how often they are done each week. Then you both brainstorm how to simplify/let go of stuff and how to divvy up the rest fairly. Listen to his ideas, cut corners, compromise on standards. Think up left field solutions, build in breaks. Do you need any extra stuff to help - a robot vacuum, an extra airer, a spare freezer in the garage, a weekly takeaway?

Include wifework management tasks as well as who physically empties the potty or cooks the dinner.

You are BOTH working full time and yet you are doing the majority of the housework and childcare and having to point out to him things that need doing because he's too lazy and self-centred to work out what to do for himself.

I'd leave for the weekend. Take off after work tonight and don't come back until Monday after work.

Send him a message saying that you're aware he doesn't like you asking him to do stuff, so you're taking yourself out of the way so you can't ask and he needs to work out for himself what needs doing.

Tell him this is how it'll be every alternate weekend from now on out, because you know you can cope with your three children by yourself as you do it allllllll the time, but he has no idea how much effort goes into keeping those wheels spinning.

Once he's had to do it for himself for a while he'll get a better understanding.

But essentially he needs to pitch in willingly or fuck off. No one needs a sulky man child littering up the place.

Make your list but then sit him down and talk to him.

He's grumpy, resentful and arsey with you and not pulling his weight. That's not sustainable. You get he's knackered, as you are too but you both chose to have 3 kids. It will get easier but 3 under 5 is a treadmill and the sooner he wakes up to the reality of this the better. it is absolutely relentless but the alternative is worse. Divorce means 50:50 so solo parenting. Does he want you BOTH to shorten your working hours and take the income hit?

I think you'll have to be the grown up in this situation. We all have crappy weeks but unless he's been like this forever I'd cut him some slack.

What does he want? A weekend off? A night out once a week. Be sure to establish if he still wants it if it's going to be reciprocal [ie he covers the equivalent time off for you ?]

When was the last time he did something nice for you and you for him?