DH listing out ‘his chores’ . I’m sick of it !

Ew. I couldn’t tolerate this. What a big, useless baby.

You both work F/T. You shouldn’t have to ‘ask’ him to do anything as it’s a partnership. And the fact he’s spinning this ‘asking’ into ‘nagging’ tells you all you need to know about his lack of respect for you. What a pig.

Urgh. My ex was like this about washing up after I made dinner. He’d take his phone into the kitchen to watch something on high volume, spend 30 mins washing plates, gets highly irritated if anyone ‘disturbed’ him, and expected praise for doing it. Note, he never washed the sink or surfaces because ‘that’s not washing dishes’ meant. I was called ungrateful a lot…

his sounds a fuck ton easier than hers

Both working full-time and 3 children under 5 is always going to be really really hard work. I think outside help is the only answer. Neither of you have an easy life.

I’d rather do it all alone than have a miserable grump in my home.

And this, dear woman, is exactly what he is working on.

No don’t stoop to his passive aggressive bullshit game playing level. Sit down and tell him how it makes you feel, to stop it and step up.

Rule is nobody sits down until it’s all done. Works for us.

Exactly. He's not going to take any notice.

My ex was and is still like this. When he uses the term ‘coparenting’ I genuinely have to stifle a laugh. He says ‘I do as much as you do, I feed the kids, wash clothes, play with them!’. He didn’t and still doesn’t see absolutely everything else that needs doing beyond the very very basics. Unfortunately it’s a hard line to walk, making your own list is tit for tat (and why should you have to?), ignoring him builds resentment. And resentment leads to having a very irritating ex that you have to ‘co parent’ with for the next few years as you carry on doing 99% of everything regardless…

Oh dear! He's been reading too much internet stuff about how men should be able to relax once they're home from work, without realising you're not a trad wife.

3 children under 5 is a full time job for you both. You can't ever be in a position where, during waking hours, you just sit back.

Personally I wouldn't list out what you do. It's not a pissing contest - you need to pull together, not compete.
Do you have additional enough help? e.g. someone to help clean / do laundry?

This made me laugh!

not a big deal and mowing lawns is actually (I now realise) quite fun. And he did a half arsed job and always left the catcher off so he left grass clippings everywhere. And never trimmed the edges. I loathe an unkempt bush.

yes I had to effusively praise him for all his Hard Manly Work

Every time my DH used to do this, I would go, "that's great, thanks. I emptied all the bins this morning/cooked the evening meal/did 3 loads of laundry/insert job"

He soon realised he was being an idiot.It stopped completely.

He's resenting you because he feels you "nag"
You resenting him because you have to "nag" him to do (not even) his fair share of parenting and adulting.

There aren't any magic words that will make him understand your point of view. Look at it this way - he didn't sit you down to explain that he felt unappreciated/nagged/fed up did he? He just started ignoring you. Women tend to think that doing the same back is petty and will damage things further but this isn't true, you need to meet him at his level and communicate in a way he understands if you have any chance of fixing this. Stop cooking food for him, stop doing his laundry, stop tidying up after the DC's dinner, especially anything you do for him (coffee in the morning etc) just stop. Ignore him. Don't be angry or moody just be practical and do whatever you can for your children. If they are old enough to talk send them to "ask daddy" if they need something while you are busy with the other one. He won't need it explaining to him what you're doing, he will know. You simply can't "talk things out" with men like this unfortunately.

My DH did this and I never did list all the stuff I did (extra to my normal chores), so I decided to say ‘let’s both say jobs we’ve done when we’ve done something’.
It seems to work and it makes us both feel good and productive and takes away the one-upmanship that had been happening.

We also compliment each other on the jobs we’ve done , eg ‘oh the grass looks nice’ or ‘thanks for calling the insurance’ etc.
It’s definitely taken away a lot of the animosity there had been before.

I do wonder @Pinkchickglitterpants if your DH is listing the things he’s doing because he actually feels pretty inadequate compared to you and he knows exactly how hard you’re working but lists his jobs so you don’t think he’s slacking?

Funnily enough, I have a very demanding and stressful job too. As a woman I somehow managed to juggle both and use my words when it was too much…

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yes when I get stressed at work as a senior corporate lawyer I stop doing my laundry and looking after my kids, it’s totally normal behaviour

And, let me guess, bins and lawn care… not such a big deal? But would have required lots of appreciation from you right?

Loud applause, every fucking time.

Work late ! Let him get on with it all alone for a while .

hehehehe! This 👆

He doesn’t give a fuck

Or rather, he thinks it’s her job and all that work is beneath him. Do you really think he doesn’t realise exactly what he’s doing (and not doing)?

OP, just wondering how DH is in himself. Has he been quieter than normal, could he be letting things get to him at work Sometimes when you're struggling with other issues, you can't cope with having to concentrate on something else.

Also all these people saying “just tell him” “are your standards too high?” “make him a list” etc assume these men are capable of being shamed and/or care about fairness in their relationship. A nice caring husband doesn’t take the piss out of his wife and the mother of his children.

You shouldn’t need to convince someone to treat you well.