DH listing out ‘his chores’ . I’m sick of it !

Did he want any of these children or a family this closely spaced because it doesn't sound as if he did.
Presumably he has at least a couple of brain cells and can understand what work needs doing.
Personally I'd be wrestling him out of the door and claiming CMS instead.

+1 for Fair Play. You can buy sets of the cards too.

How on earth do you have 3 children under 5 and both work full time? That just sounds insanely hard for everyone! Not to mention the childcare bill must be eye watering. We had 3 under 5, DH worked full time and I was a SAHM and it was still SO hard. I don’t know how you’re doing it, no wonder you’re both stressed…!

Sounds hideous and there are so many of these threads - makes me glad I’ve been a single mum for 20 odd years.
the way I see it there are various options and which I plumped for would depend on your unique circumstances eg how stressful and demanding is his job and how decent is he in other areas like generous with money, how much do you love him and want to fix or if you’ve had enough in general - good luck xx

Have a mature proper convo with him and explain how you’re feeling and the extent of your workload and listen to his point of you and make a plan to resolve

tit for tat him argue and tell him what you’re doing when you’re doing it until he sees your point

threaten to kick him out if he doesn’t buck his ideas up

throw money at it - gardener cleaner bit of childcare outside of work hours so you can spend time together alone - whatever you can afford to take the drudgery away so your free time is dedicated to your kids and eachother and not all chores.

Definitely write your own list. If he’s going to be petty then do the same.

It's not PA , my DH and I agreed to it to try to resolve the situation amicably.
He was convinced he did more than me
Humble pie was eaten

OP@Pinkchickglitterpants please listen to this….most people marry and have kids because they love each other but you have to understand that you and your husband have BOTH put yourselves into a situation that will cause undue stress on BOTH of you…something has to give, I totally understand a woman needing and wanting to maintain a career and I am NEVER excusing a man not understanding that in this situation they have to step up equally, but sometimes in a relationship you have to be explicit about how you are both struggling and what solutions are going to work. I and many other women have survived this stage and managed to come out of it with an intact ,decent marriage so please explore all solutions.

Just say well done darling and give him a reward sticker!

can't imagine it's an enjoyable life for anyone involved, I don't know what they were thinking. I only know of one other couple who put themselves in that situation in this day and age, they were both well-salaried doctors and they had a full time nanny and a cleaner twice a week. Even then they didn't see the kids as much as they all wanted.

Yup another that says start listing!!!

Annoying.

Is he doing it because he feels (not necessarily correctly) underappreciated. So he wants praise for doing stuff but isn't getting it so trying to draw attention. Everyone wants notice for what they do but I do think men are a bit more likely to feel put out for not getting a fanfare - either as the breadwinner, or for "helping" with the kids/house. So long as it isn't downplaying what you do, doing you down in the process this isn't so bad and it doesn't hurt to show appreciation (but that should be reciprocated)

Otherwise he is trying to set up a narrative where he is hard done by which undermines you in the process. In which case you "noticing" the things he does will make him worse not better.

I've just had a very similar situation with my xh who also happens to be my business partner. In his head he does all the work where in reality he has it very easy. He comes to work 4 days a week and does the actual job. Nothing else. I also do 4 days of the physical job, but also cover staff absence so realistically usually work 5 or even 6 days. I do all the paperwork, bookkeeping, payroll, rotas, 99% of the ordering, basically everything that actually keeps the business running.

Today he's told me I do nothing so my response was that I'll take next week off. I never take a week off unless I'm actually leaving the country. But as I do nothing I won't be missed surely?! The only thing I'll do is the payroll as I wouldn't let the staff suffer, but I might not pay him to make him think I haven't done it😂

Good for you. Do tell him all this. If he says you're being sensitive or any other crap, stop him and say you need a sensible adult conversation and you will not accept accusations or personal insults.

This is the precursor situation to so many threads we see on here - mum overloaded, dad not doing his share. Both working full time. I don’t know what the answer is - the longer I’m on mumsnet the more i think that most men do not really want children. I am a modern woman and of course believe we should be absolutely equals - but honestly - is what we have equality?? No. We are just ignoring the ‘job’ of creating new people that women do, and then the equality bit is us being expected (to some degree) by society to be working full time ASWELL. It’s bollocks imo. It’s not possible to have three young children, two full time jobs, and a bloody fabulous home life. Unless you have a lot of help from others paid or family. If anyone has the secret please share!!! I’m not sure there’s anything you can do op because the truth is, even if you threatened divorce you’d still have all the workload AND probably even less help. I would try and throw some money at the issues and get some outside help so you can try and refund yourselves you & DH. wishing you all the luck xxxx

You both work full time! Good grief, I thought you were going to say you were a SAHM but even then is attitude would be poor.
Tell him to f'ck right off with his lists or if you want to be churlish (which I wouldn't blame you for) do a long list of you own and then tell him for f'ck right off.
Why is looking after his own children a chore!? Thats just a general parenting requirement surely??

Yeah this - or just text him every time you do a job

nappy
bin
cooked
dinner
bath

just constantly. Or maybe ask Siri to send a message to him so he can hear you doing it.

or fuck off for a few days with an emergency and leave him to it. Sick relative. Maybe get a puking bug? Go away for the day then ‘accidentally’ get stranded

but he sounds like a dick.

He sounds a bit thick. You have 3 small children. This is the trenches of parenting. It’s constant and exhausting. No list will change this. He needs to get off his ass and realise that leisure time = zero.

‘no one sits down til it’s all done’

Depends what it is - not all housework is important. Some of it is actually less important than sitting down.

Who wants to live in a boot camp. It sounds awful. I'd hate it.

this is very true. My exH had a completely sexist useless father and many of his friends (though not all) had very 1950s style relationships. When we split he was genuinely aggrieved because he “had never been out of work”. A man from a very affluent middle class home who went to top schools and had been bankrolled into an excellent career wanted a medal for going to work every day.

Interestingly I had never been out of work either but it seems working full time while haven’t kids isn’t as impressive or tiring when you have a vagina.

This. He thinks he's having to do you a favour all the time, that you're failing yo meet (his) expectations, and that you're a big meanie to expect him to do all of that.

In this day & age, there are still plenty of men who bag themselves a nice woman but neglect to tell her that they have a very 1950s view of marriage. The woman only finds out when it's too late that their husband view of fatherhood was one where they basically lead their lives much as it was before, with the woman taking on most or all of the childcare, and the fathers just picking up the fun parts.

I'm sorry OP, but you might not be able to tackle this with reason. It's a good idea to list out everything you do, but don't expect he'll respond to that.

Even if he sees you're doing more, it may not matter. If his ideal scenario is that he does absolutely nothing at all and he feels entitled to that, that everything baby & house related should be on you, then you will get exasperated and upset trying to fight your corner.

Let's say your ideal scenario is that you do 50 / 50. If his ideal scenario is 0 /100, then the closest you're probably going to get with him is a 25 / 75 split, if that.

Many years ago I emailed my own list to my husband including all the 'mental load' jobs. After reading that, he shut up for good!

Problem may be that he truly believes at some level that you are responsible for childcare and housekeeping, so anything he does is impressive rather than just necessary, and gives him a credit balance that means you should do everything for a given amount of time until his credit runs low and it's time for him to take on another job. Very difficult to deal with, but a few sessions with a couples counsellor might help to make these things conscious so the two of you have a chance to work out some more reasonable arrangement.

What is he doing whilst ignoring your calls for help, OP?

I think PP’s idea of ‘no one sits down til it’s all done’ is a good one.

It is terribly wearing having to be the thinker / director of everything - he should be capable of knowing and seeing what needs to be done - and bloody well help get on with it!