DH listing out ‘his chores’ . I’m sick of it !

So good to see others recommending this. I really hope she gets her husband to write an equivalent book aimed at men too as I think the book is aimed at women but actually would be so good not to have to do the Labour of distributing it all fairly too! I had to buy and read the book. I had to prompt the conversation. I had to manage his defensive responses initially. I had to get the cards etc. eventually he got it and it’s much better division now but for ages I still had ‘I have cleaned the toilet for you’ and ‘you don’t appreciate what I do’. It’s tiring.

Don't forget to add the time you spent pregnant with them 😏

I also suggested it and put a link in. I agree with you. It really highlights all the invisible Labour that (mostly) women do. It was sooo helpful we bought the cards too.

I don’t want this narrative of me being a nag and him listing off his jobs. I’m fed up. I do alot and DH gets off lightly at times . We both work FT.

Easy

you do Monday and dp does Tuesday, then you do Wednesday and dp does Thursday and so on with the children

you write a list between you of jobs to be done each day that the other person does, so laundry two loads, washing up, cooking

The the work is split equally and he will wish to fuck he'd never said a word....

Please stay working FT.
Can you imagine how much worse he would be if you didn’t work FT!!

I would definitely speak to him when the kids are asleep and say exactly what you’ve says on here.

Tell him just because you’re the mother, doesn’t mean that you should do any more than he does.

Unfortunately, it’s only after having kids can you often see a man’s true misogyny.

He thinks he’s going you a favour by washing up or doing something for your kids.
He sees these as things that are your job and thinks you should be lucky he’s helping you out.

You are right that they are just as much his kids as yours and you shouldn’t have to ask him to do any of this.

I would suggest ending it but then he’d get off lightly because he wouldn’t have to do anything then.

In case no one has posted it:
https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards

It's not my vibe to use it but I know people who say it helped them have those conversations and change embedded patterns on domestic labour split

My DH is like this although our DCs are now 14 and 16. It’s been brilliant recently, I’ve just had major gynae surgery and he’s had to pick me up from the hospital, which has been a huge chore. He’s listed everything he’s had to do ( bearing in mind the dog is in day care, kids are self sufficient and I’ve been hobbling up and down the stairs to get my own food) and won’t shut up about how overwhelmed he is. Op, this is what you’ll be facing into in the future. We’ve both always worked full time. It’s bloody miserable

Get a cleaner. If you both work full time.

Outsource your washing to a service launderette.

When I tried to discuss this easier he said I am being sensitive!

This is the problem. If the only way to sort this out is by immature stickers, writing your own list, rounds of applause and medals etc then I think you've got trouble ahead.

You need to be able to discuss issues that are bothering you, regardless of whether they are big, small, rational, fair or downright ridiculous.

Is this a recent thing, because you must have had quite a few crazy years with 3 under 5.

This 'list of' thing is coming up too often - who is behind it? I think it's a men's rights thing. Someone mentioned Andrew Tate on another thread recently - the was a husband listing all his wife's faults. What comes up next is "What do you do for me?" usually meaning 'You aren't providing enough sex of various kinds so I am not going to take on my reasonable share of housework and parenting unless you provide more.'

This runs a lot deeper than simple laziness

Did he have a stay-at-home mum who did everything by any chance? You probably have different ideas of what equsl parenting looks like

Time for couples therapy, definitely, to get to the bottom of it

I'd do the same.

My DH has called me a nag in the past, when I’ve asked him to do normal little jobs, like cleaning up the crumbs when he’s made toast. So I stopped asking and just did it myself, as I don’t want to be a nag. But can you see what he did there?
Calling a woman a nag is a man’s way of shutting you up.

I think children highlight the management and priority of household tasks.
This is a big continuous test for marriage.
I know DP and I are similar but we each have a specific way of doing things. Compromise, patience, and communication are the keys to not letting it destroy the family.

My ex would literally write lists of what he'd done. He once listed every step involved in putting water down for our dog. And the truly horrendous part? I'm pretty sure that was before I chose to have a child with him.

@Pinkchickglitterpants

Hi I have not read the whole thread so sorry if this has been recommended.
Have a read on listen to Fair Play by Eve Rodsky.

I found it good as it talks about fair not equal in the division of Labour. She is also interviewed on the Don’t buy her flowers pod cast which is a good listen.

I thought I was doing loads until I saw it set out in front of me and then got I better!

To me it sounds like he sees ALL of the house and child stuff as your sole responsibility so he sees it as he is doing you a favour by doing anything at all.

Whereas you likely see it as being a joint responsibility, because you aren't living in some kind of time warp from 1982. So him listing out three things is ridiculously underperforming.

You are always going to be stuck in arguments and resentment unless you can agree on the first principle which is who is responsible for what. I must admit I find the first version absolutely ridiculous because what on earth does he think he is doing in exchange for you being responsible for ALL of those things? You both work full time, does he see his job as being "more important" than yours?

Being exhausted is a separate issue. It's legitimate IMO to be exhausted and to communicate this to your spouse and try to work out what can shift to help alleviate that. Maybe doing less at home is one of those things - though there is also looking at general health, sleep apnoea, drinking/diet, is he burnt out, does he get enough support at work, do you (each) have time and space to de-stress? Or are you both tired because having three small children and working full time and not having household help is genuinely exhausting but you are getting on with it and he is not coping or somehow seeing it as your "fault"?

Couple's therapy might help you work this out if you would be open to it, because there are likely 3/4 issues - how much "should" each person be responsible for and what is a fair expectation. How can you communicate to each other when you feel you need more support. Are things equal? And is he exhausted, why, and what can be done about that? If you normally can discuss stuff when he's not struggling then it is probably worth a try.

OTOH if you've each got into seeing the other with contempt it is supposed to be very difficult to come back from that. And unfortunately IME some men do have an inherent gender bias where they see women as having a different role and do have expectations from their wife/partner which are unequal. If he does have that then I think that's also very hard to unlearn.

This.

OP, you need to make the point loudly and clearly. If he says what he’s done, you respond in kind. If he ignores you, you stop doing his laundry. Just leave his in the basket.

Your approach is not PA, and if op and dh can do it amicably then great, but he's already being PA and ignoring her so will he be reasonable about it?

Be careful what you wish for. It’s really bloody hard on your own.

I don't think you should write out your own list, because that will leave you open to accusations of bias, and you'll just end up going back and forth with him.

Researchers have drawn up an objective list of domestic tasks that you can download, print off and go through with your partner (if you can persuade him to). That will make it really clear where the balance lies. It's called the Checklist for Gender Equality. I think other women on here have found it useful.

Here's the download. Good luck!

LTB tbh

Just give him one of these every time he mentions the job he's just done:

Motivational Stickers

I’d suggest he takes the lead, and just calls me for help as required.

Just put a red tick by each task he needs acknowledgment for doing. Then write “Could do better” underneath.

He is clearly a still a little boy hoping for a gold star, rather than a fully functioning adult who is part of a family.