DH listing out ‘his chores’ . I’m sick of it !

Don’t nag him, then! But also don’t do things yourself. So for ex don’t tidy up, don’t do the food shop, don’t cook, etc. At one point he’ll ask what is for dinner - your answer: I don’t know, what were you thinking of doing?
(tried and tested with DH!)
Just don’t cave. Your children can survive even if lunch is a bit later or less healthy than usual. If you stay strong I can guarantee that your DH will get the message soon.

Tell him you'll swap lists with him next weekend.

You'll do everything on his list.

He can do everything else.

Then see how he feels.

You can do it more easily with help. As in cleaners, service laundry. Which leaves you with online shopping and cooking.

I do wonder though because surely someone doesn’t suddenly become more unhelpful or do less chores after child no3 is it just that the woman has sucked it up and they have never addressed the issue until the straw breaks a camels back? I kind of think most people show their attitudes to division of labour as soon as you live with them?! Edited to make sense I hope!

I don't know how any couple can expect to have three very young children and both work full time and things not be very, very difficult. Can you really do it all and keep your sanity?! If there's a way that one could cut hours even temporarily until children are older that might be a good option?

After reading threads like this for many years it appears that the third baby is the straw that breaks the camels back. Relationship issues, exhausted adults, messy houses, meals, mountains of laundry it all falls apart if you both work full time.

I did have three by the way.

The issue is that some people, often men, do not see the chores that other people, often women, see need doing.
So if you decide not to write a list, how will he know that you are carrying the load you are carrying.
If all he sees as chores to be done is:

• hoovering
• laundry
• minding children

But doesn't see the other chores that you do eg

• tidying up
• bathroom cleaning
• dressing kids

Then you'll never align. You need to sit down and write out the list of all chores that need doing by someone. Then sit down with him and ask him how he wants to divide it up. He can add chores on there if he thinks there's missing but he can't take away unless he agrees with you that it doesn't need doing at all, ever.

Write a list down together for both of you so he doesn’t feel you’re nagging him or asking for more and more. Once you start breaking chores down and writing it out he’ll see how much extra you do

Yup - Christmas present of a Reward Chart

This is horrible advice. Going tit for tat and showing this level of contempt for each other is a recipe for disaster. Its a marriage killer. If you can’t break the impasse with humor and return to love the marriage is doomed.

I will be really interested to know how you get on?

What do you do for him now that you will think he will miss?

It it a meal made for him, his laundry washed, dried and put away, his morning drink?

Do your list (secretly) then ask him to do his list then offer to swap with him.

Do NOT talk vaguely about 'working as a team'. Even if he responds, you will still be doing the lion's share and he will still think he's fucking Decent Dan.

Do the list of what you do.
Show him.
Compare it to his list.
Tell him that decent men don't exploit other humans for their own gain, which is what he's doing.

I've said this a million times before but male exploitation of women is so ubiquitous that it's like the air that we breathe - we don't even see it.

He'd have an awful lot more "chores" if you split and insisted on 50/50 custody.... Is that little list ALL he's done?

He's denigrating you to the Tesco driver?

My husband isn't ignoring me, but he does get resentful at times when I leave "chores" for him to do, like not emptying the bins.
If he makes a comment I tend to respond with a list of the stuff he doesn't do, like shopping, food prep or admin.
It's not that much about the fact that I did it because these are things I'm better at, but more about putting things back into perspective that emptying the bins is a 5 min job in comparison.

If my husband was telling delivery drivers I did ‘nothing’ honestly I’d think it was well beyond saving. The level of disrespect is beyond the line, and these men believing doing the minimum is enough is already utterly disrespectful. You deserve better than you have, you’d still be doing everything if he wasn’t around so what’s the point of him?

With three kids under 5 I'd definitely be adding 'get a vasectomy' to his To Do list.

I don't think you should make a competing list, that would just be sinking to his level and you'll just end up in a pass agg loop that will be a total waste of your time and energy.

Pick a time when the kids are in bed, let him know beforehand that you want a serious talk. Look him in the eye and tell him exactly out of order he is being, how it makes you feel and how much work you do. Ask him why he is behaving like this and actually sit and listen for his answer (many selfish men don't actually have a good reason or they think they do but when they articulate it they realise how petty they're being).

I can sympathise op. My husband will tell me and everyone else that I do NOTHING around the house, that he does everything. My favourite time was when he was stood telling the Tesco delivery driver this - as I was lugging all the crates into our kitchen and emptying them (for the order that I placed) and the Tesco driving glancing at me repeatedly whilst also looking incredulously at him as if admiring my restraint for not pointing out the obvious right there and then.

The worst thing is, these men GENUINELY BELIEVE what they're saying. All we do is nag. It's so laughable yet so frustrating. My husband does 3 loads of laundry at the weekend and seems to think that's everything done. Conveniently forgets I cook every day, tidy and clean the kitchen daily, tidy up the random crap that gets left places, clean the bathrooms/toilet, sort the kids lunches, take the kids to school/clubs as needed, do all the mental load of planning and organising everything, go to all the school meetings, etc, etc, etc. last weekend I told him I was going to stop doing everything I do if he really believes I do nothing. That shut him up pretty quickly.

I'm liking the idea of a list to present to him. We both work full time, have very similar income (his maybe £4-£5k more) so he can't/shouldn't argue that the work should be split anything but evenly.

OP - good luck and please know you're not alone.., pm me if you get a new patio and need an alibi 😉

As others have said, I would be about the petty life and would be formulating my own very long list of everything I had done that day. When he approaches you with his list, hand him yours.

My husband and I used to have this argument so we downloaded an app called Nipto. It's so immature but you click on the things you've done and it awards you points. You can add different chores to it and decide how many points each chore is worth. I mean really we shouldn't need an app 😂 but it was good to show how much we were both contributing. It also motivates you to do more to win (or is it really loosing) at the end of each day.

If one of the items on the list was "I have washed up 3 times today" my response would be, "we need to buy a dishwasher" and "thanks for highlighting this"!

@Pinkchickglitterpants sorry but that is not the way to resolve issues in your marriage!