DH listing out ‘his chores’ . I’m sick of it !

Well, WHY wouldn't you think of listing what you've done? Sounds like a fair enough way to make the point. Maybe followed by "Ooh, I'm beating you! And by quite a margin, too! You're going to have to up your game if you're going to catch me by the end of the day!". He ought to get it pretty quick.

If you divorced, he'd have to do 100% of the chores and 100% of the 50% of the child caring and chores.

The mutual chores are not your responsibility, the parenting and tasks aren't you're responsibility.

You want a partner, not a point scorer.

I felt relief when my ex and I split, and it was so much easier to rely on myself and work full time. The drain I felt and the overwhelm managing his moods and the resentment when he had to do chores was more effort and impact than my doing them.

Sorry he seems to have lost sight of this. Jimmy on relationships do some great videos on mutual chores and supporting each other with young families.

Good luck, whatever you decide. Hopefully a reality check that you're both exhausted, you're both short on time and how you can both support each other better will be better for the next bit. Things are hard and relentless right now but it does get easier.

This is exactly what I'd say.
Not making my own lists, or not doing anything for him. IMO that's just petty.

I’m not sure it’s as simple as that though.

Maybe she needs the company of a dog with her dh away a lot?

And maybe the gardening is a necessary change from parenting a child with SEN?

If she just restricted herself to fewer things her life might become wholly centred on the domestic which many women loathe!

I’d write my own list in return and then I’d leave him because he sounds like a twat

Try not to be petty as it won’t do anything for your mental health and cause more arguments. You won’t win a competition of who has done more.
I was working 70 hours a week and just decided I wasn’t doing cleaning so I outsourced. I got a cleaner and it was amazing. DH didn’t like the cost so I said he can clean the bathrooms for free, mop the floors etc. it gave me time back to do those deeper clean jobs like pull the kitchen cupboards out and give them a good sort out which helped my mental health as could never find anything!
sounds like you have another child in the house.
try and automate stuff. Get online shopping delivered. Come up together with a three week meal plan and have a shopping list for it then you can just click go. This is because DH hates shopping and I refused to go by myself! I also spend way more in the shop!

if you can then just go away for a weekend to see family or friend and leave him with the kids and having to do everything. Then come back and say the house is a mess as it will be a tip!

then they expect you to put out because they helped you by hoovering once.

I had this and I had a breakdown. My husband felt like such a martyr having to deal with this, and the children on top of his undemanding job. In reality I was still doing everything child related. What worked for us was a single appointment with relate. The marriage counsellor asked all the right questions and as my husband was explaining how amazing he was, he suddenly had a rare moment of self awareness and realised what a prick he sounded like. Things improved rapidly. He still needs to be minded it isn't all about him occasionally.

Make a list every day for about a week of what you do and a list of what the twat does and then present it to him!!! Show him the level of how unreasonable he is!

@Ilikeadrink14 I take your point about stable doors etc. But the number of Threads on MN that feature Full time employment, DC with special needs, babies, puppies, a DP who works away some of the time.
Why do folk load themselves up with tasks that will be restrictive. They refused to be practical before the last pregnancy. Then they get a time consuming pet.
Some just bring chaos and set themselves up to fail.
A friend is like this, DH away with military, child with special needs, dog that needs miles a day. She has now taken an allotment. Soon in arguments about the dog being there. She has to hurry to get the plot ready. Gardening at a run!
I wish she would try fewer things and concentrate better.

I read recently that testosterone is a selfish hormone. I think unfortunately even the best of us assess things on a “what’s in it for me” basis. I did genuinely think I was doing loads as I was doing more than most but then that’s a low bar as I discovered.

Hope your chap like me sees the what’s in it for him now. I am a better dad, better husband and better colleague

.No brainier really but it took coming on here to understand why she wasn’t up for nocturnals for the penny to drop which is poor on my part.

In the end the effort to change is inherently worth losing half the house,half my pension, not seeing my lads every day and someone else being with the woman I love.

Reading that makes me think I am still selfish I just channel it better but I appears to have done the trick.

I can say the ignoring/being equally petty does not seem to be successful. I have tried it and there is no success at all and in fact he just seems fairly irritated when I treat him the same way although I haven't taken it as far as not cooking for him. I did just win a 3 day standoff about emptying the dishwasher (it was after I had left the house spotless and it was then his 2 days in charge of dinner and he just left it all to pile up assuming I guess that I would do it on my day). You could try showing him the dad privilege checklist by zawn villnes (not tried doing this but probably will). Am keen to try to nipto app PP suggested as think this might work

I'm petty but if he admits he's ignoring you then I'd start ignoring his washing/dinner etc. When he asks say that as he thinks its OK to ignore your requests for help you're going to ignore his. Starting with his stuff in the laundry basket....

I don’t think this comment was particularly helpful! Stable door and all that!
Also, it probably made the poster feel as if it were her fault, which it isn’t. He’s a lazy so-and-so!

What on earth did he think life was going to be like with 3 under 5?

Thank you. I already have a job - I’ve always worked full time! I wouldn’t want to change this job because I love it.

Thank you. You are very kind. Our youngest was only 4 back then, so his opinion wouldn’t have been considered. He’s now 12, so I hope to find the strength again soon to try again.

A nanny is usually cheaper than 3x nursery fees especially as the subsidised amount is low with 2 FT high-ish salaries and will cover 8-8 childcare + the house is tidy when you come home, kids are are fed and bathed etc

It all sounds incredibly tough, I hope you find your way out of it. He is an arse and you (and the kids) do deserve better. I used to say ‘I’m not perfect’ as well, because who is? And by the end I was turning into a horrible person. But after I left and I started mentally listing all the things I put up with, it was beyond usual human flaws. I can’t believe I put up with being treated as such a lesser person for so long. The kids have a choice, he can’t just say he’ll have them 50/50. Everything he’s saying is like the final moments of a dying animal, they’ll thrash out but once it’s over the power isn’t there anymore.

@Tillow4ever good God I would call his bluff, you don’t need his permission to get a divorce. You can force it. As for the 50-50, I reckon if he’s as useless and as much of an arsehole as you say, then he would soon give that up too, as he’ll realise that he’ll have to be in charge of children and actually do the parenting when he has them. And then you could get yourself a job. That works around the 50-50 agreement.

I’ve posted a couple of times - i don’t want to derail from the OP. My husband is an arse. I’m fairly certain he’s been emotionally abusing me for years - but then I question myself wondering why I think that as he would certainly not even consider it abuse. I’m stuck financially (he won’t leave, or won’t let me out the house on the market, he has threatened to take the kids 50/50 (which was purely to get at me and to avoid paying maintenance - he does NOTHING with the kids at the minute), then basically ignored the whole situation of me asking for a divorce and just pretends we are a happy family).

don’t get me wrong - I’m not perfect and I’m sure there’s plenty of stuff I do or say that pisses him off…. But when you and your kids are actually celebrating when he tells you he’s away with work for the night, and visibly disappointed when he says he’s coming home, you do start to realise it’s not just you that thinks he’s a twat.

Why would she do that? She may need her "well-paid" job more than ever very soon if she ends up kicking her "DH" into touch.

Oh and DON'T give up your job or go part time just to do more housework!

we had three children under 5 and both worked full time and managed - sent out the ironing (shirts) and had a cleaner every 2 weeks.

The key to managing and for the marriage to survive is for each parent to presume that the other parent is doing their best and pulling their weight. For each parent to want to be the one doing a bit more and make life a bit nicer for the other one. Even now, when our children are long grown, if the dog needs to be put out early in the morning, we'll each try to be the one to get up to do it. the one who gets to stay in bed says thanks.

Your dh has made the mistake of thinking he wins if he does less work than you. He maybe deep down thinks the house and children are women's work. Maybe you've just gone back to work after maternity leave and he has become used to having a sahm even though you aren't one. You can certainly take Natty13's advice and go on a work to rule. But your marriage will not be a happy one and nor will your home. resentment will kill it.

I'd give it a shot of sitting down with him when you aren't stressed/kids are in bed and just ask him how he thinks this life should work because with 3 kids there is a lot of work to get through and you both will need to ask the other for help sometime. if he ignores you or lists everything he does, your marriage is going to be a casualty so what does he suggest?

it is a bit relentless right now but these are the in the trenches years - it gets a lot better.

Do you have to work full time , is it your choice to do so ? 3 in childcare , you must have an amazingly paid job !
Could you consider / do you want to cut your hours , even until 1 or 2 are in school ?

I can only speak for my circumstances. Things were ok after the first baby, but his job wasn’t as taxing (though low paid). It was the second child that things went sideways and downwards. He retrained and I was happy to support in the initial year as it was very heavy, but things never went back to equal after that. Then both children were presenting with autistic traits, our second was/is very high needs. I wasn’t getting any sleep, I was on my knees, my life revolved around endless meltdowns never mind handing the whole mental load. I was making my mental leaving plan when Covid hit and despite both of us always at home it was still all on me. But then fell unexpectedly pregnant, so reevaluated. When the baby was born and he used his 2 weeks paternity to sit and play video games whilst I had to get back to the school run 3 days after giving birth made me quickly go back to the original plan, took a year but I left. He’s still confused and sad as to why 🙃.