'i would die for my kids' ..but would people really?!

I think when you have young children and are in the role of protector then, if course, you would do anything and everything to keep them safe.
When your children become independent adults I think it changes and expectations can be too high. If you have spent over 30 years being Mum and always coming second I think there comes a time to put yourself first.
If my adult child needed a kidney I'd be the first to offer. If my adult child fancies a new car but can't afford it, they can save up for it and make sacrifices like I do.
In the OP examples.
Suspected cancer in a mammogram. It's horrible but why did the colleague cancel the mammogram just because her parents couldn't watch her child? What kind of a parent is the colleague if she deliberately delayed getting a diagnosis for a suspected cancer because it wasn't convenient? You have a duty as a parent of young children to try and be there for them which includes accepting tests/treatment.
The colleague works (obviously) so there is some form of established childcare already. Mammograms take place during working hours so surely just drop children as usual.
No mention is made of the children's father. Why is he not looking after his own children?
If there was a strong suspicion of cancer the colleague could have taken her child with her to the mammogram (the actual scan takes less than 5 minutes). Not ideal but doable. I have seen it happen.
Why was it her parents responsibility?

Domestic Violence.
What do you think the parents should have done?
The ex-partner "tracked her down" so she had obviously moved somewhere else. Surely the first place he would have looked for her was her parents house? So it would have been foolish to stay there. Do you think they should have moved in with her? Do you think that would have stopped him?

Money
If your adult child has a one-off disaster (ie a broken boiler) and you can afford to help buy a new one that's one thing. But if an adult child chooses a lifestyle they can't afford then why would you expect a parent to step in and subsidise it? Part of being an adult and living an independent life is making life choices and paying for those decisions. That's how we learn and what we pass on to our own children.

My dad won’t give me money as he doesn’t think it’s his responsibility, he wouldn’t watch my kids as it’s too much but he’d step in front of a bullet for me in an instant and I know that

Yes I’d die for my kids in the sense of giving my life for theirs, although in real life I’m unlikely to get the chance to. I hope that I would in an emergency situation but I’m aware that it’s not possible to know how you’d act in the moment. I think I would though.

It doesn’t follow that I’d do anything at all for them eg I won’t wash my son’s football kit if he leaves it on the bedroom floor because he needs to learn to put it in the wash himself and because I am not the maid. I can see how other people might feel like this about money- being willing to die for your kids doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to subsidise them when they’re older, because financial independence is a good thing (that said, I do plan to give money to my kids, but I can understand people who don’t).

The two examples you give are really shocking, op, but unusual I think.

I didn’t want to die, I hadn’t met the baby and I knew I could have another one/would still have a good life if I couldn’t.

As soon as he was born I would have chosen him over me, but before that I didn’t feel that connection in the same way.

And my DW didn’t want to have a newborn baby and be grieving for me- she didn’t feel she would be a good parent in that situation.

My dad had felt the same when he was told “we might not be able to save them both” and replied “please save my wife”.

We were both fine happily for him but I have never felt any resentment for him having chosen the woman he loved over a baby he hadn’t met (and they already had 3 children who needed their mum more than another sibling).

We have had a situation in my family where a close female relative was in an abusive relationship. It broke her parents, they tried and did everything to get her away. Worked with police, gave money, housing, confronted him, confronted his family, took her far away to other family, found her jobs, paid for therapy etc etc. Ultimately she consistently chose to go back over and over, however possible they made it for her to leave. Once she had a baby, their adored grandchild, she continued to choose him - going against social services and putting her at risk of losing her child.

That’s not blaming her - I know he’d done a number on her and I know there’s reasons why it’s so hard to get away. But ultimately they (and we all) had to deal with the fact that she’s an adult woman who made her choices and for all our talk of how we were going to lock her away somewhere to keep her safe, take her phone etc etc - in the real world it’s just not possible. And yes, serious conversations were had about fighting him, hiring someone to do him over or even paying a bloody hitman. Believe me he’d be no loss to society - but as has been said the risk of things going wrong, of going to prison etc is still there. A young, violent and sociopathic man is not necessarily going to be easy to completely incapacitate (even though my relative’s dad is also a strapping bloke at 6 foot 4) and there’s a chance it could go the other way; or he’d end up in prison and my relative would STILL go back to him, feeling even more pushed towards him by the whole ‘everyone is trying to keep us apart’ narrative.

Very very luckily my relative has finally left, and after yet more hell where it didn’t look like he was ever going to give up terrorising her and her family, he finally seems to have skunk away to whatever sewer he crawled out of - though we can never be 100% relaxed. Her parents are changed people though, and like I say pretty broken by everything they’ve watched her go through. I’m not sure it’s ever as cut and dried as you think it’s going to be to be in that situation - and saying what you’d do in a hypothetical doesn’t mean you would in reality.

what would beating him achieve? It wouldn’t stop him going after the daughter. You can bet your bottom penny the abuser would go to the police as the victim and the dad be arrested. And it may even push her towards him again and further away from her family

in that situation those surrounding her are very much a spectator. You can support, financially, emotionally, physically. But that’s it.

its incredibly complicated and not straightforward

I was thinking about this a bit. I actually have kind of given my life for my child, just not through my death. It's been really hard to give up my career I worked hard for entirely, my social connections, somewhere along the way I lost my spirituality, and so much of what makes me, me. (In the context of a seriously ill child who then died).

I'm trying to work on a rebirth. Finding who I am now. It's not easy but I've found some amazing things that the former me would never have been likely to find. I don't think I'd be recognisable to people from 'before'. I'm not as happy as I was, but I think I like this new me more in many ways.

I asked dp when I was pregnant and was told me. I was annoyed, though. My baby was the right answer! Dp said we could maybe have another baby, but I am irreplaceable. But I said I would never forgive that. How could I love someone who chose for my baby to die? So it would have to be the baby saved, or dp would lose us both.

I think a lot of those people you see making poor decisions for their children, or giving poor care, would die for them in a heartbeat. Dying for someone is actually quite easy, it's a split-second decision and an all-encompassing gesture. Living for someone is a damn sight harder and more gruelling than dying for them. I think sometimes people really like saying "I'd die for them" because it's a shorthand way of saying they mean everything to you, and saying it feels like wiping away all the substandard and imperfect stuff we all do as parents, just leaving behind the purity of the feeling you have for them without all the grimy real-world compromise stuff.

In that instance, I would be going to jail.

I wouldn't die for my parents either. I'd give my child a kidney, for example, but I wouldn't take that risk with my parents, because it's best for my children if I don't.

I always think about the video of that lady who got ran over with her baby in the pushchair and you can see in those seconds before the car hit her she did what she could to lift that pram out of the way and readying to take the impact, a split second decision; I know that in a similar situation I’d do the same.

There have been many cases of people killing for their children (Leon Gary Plauché) I’ve always said that I’d happily serve time for my DD and I don’t think that would change no matter her age.

I've sacrificed all three for my kids and would do it again. The impacts on my life and it's quality are profound and hurt, but I don't regret the priority. With all sacrifices there are usually gains too, so you really have to look at the silver linings.

No, my DH hasn't made any of the same sacrifices. It made sense as he earns a lot more than me and I'm better equipped to have taken on the role in the family I did.

I've been in traumatic situations, so know how I generally react in those. I'll never be in every possible situation though, thank goodness! The one thing I can say with confidence due to experience is that I would always make the decision that is best for my child, even at great cost to myself.

Here an example of a mom who actually does for her son: www.cbsnews.com/amp/sanfrancisco/news/autism-advocate-feda-almaliti-son-die-fremont-house-fire/

She an autism advocate I used to follow. She went into the fire and died while trying to convince her son to get out.

I have 2 sons with severe autism and how they would behave in a dangerous situation or an emergency is one of my worst nightmares.

There is no way I’d die for my parents because it would leave my son motherless and them with terrible guilt.

I didn't say that, it's clearly an impossible situation either way. But if a parent asks to be the one killed they've just left their kids alone at the mercy of a madman who has kidnapped them all (in the hostage scenario a PP mentioned). Poor kids will probably end up with survivors guilt at the least. That's why it's always just a nonsense thing parents say to make out what a good loving parent they are. I'd die for my parents (in theory, I can't say how I'd react if it really happened) it's not a selfless thing just I'm quite happy to go whenever and I wouldn't want the grief and guilt of losing them.

Another way to think about it is what would you sacrifice for your child? This is just my opinion, but the women I know are prepared to sacrifice a lot more (career, time, sanity) for their children than the men I know. The men who are good parents are good, but they aren't prepared to put their happiness second often, which many women are prepared to do if their child needs care, support, and time. Lots of women I know have less happy lives due to putting their children first. Not all, of course, and I'm not sure it's always the best thing to do, but they are prepared to do it. I don't know many men who have done that.

Not for us. We love them just as much as we ever did. I think we both feel more protective of them now that it's not so easy to protect them like when they were younger. It depends on your relationship with them I suppose, but for us, we'd still do anything for our children.

I agree with several posters that it's complicated and not easy to define. My mum, even for her adult children would take a bullet, jump in front of a moving car yadayada etc, but she will smoke through both of her pregnancies, smoke in the presence of her grandchildren if she were allowed .
The threat would need to be imminent. I'm not a parent myself, but I get the distinction.

Clearly it is a huge and significant trauma for a child to lose a parent, but I really don't think that that child would always be better off dead. I think that's quite an extraordinary thing to say!

Better to live and fight for your kids than die for them imho. Words are easy - actions? Not so much. It's too easy to judge people based on them being put in a situation you have never actually been in, and then congratulate yourself and your own parents based on words you have said, and your belief about what your parents have said they would do in a hypothetical situation. Probably best to leave your judgement of other people whose lives you know nothing about to the side, and focus on living your best life and being the best you can be. Most people are doing the best they can with the knowledge and experience they have.

The police did what they could but laws around DV are terrible. He continued to harass her and ignore police.
She openly said she was just waiting to die. Knew it was a matter of time. Her parents knew it too as they'd seen with their own eyes the stalking and the bruises. Heard the voicemail death threats. They called him a bastard and evil etc.
Her dad however at 6.4ft and broad, physically fit and still young, could've just gone over there and absolutely pounded him and made it so he couldn't physically ever harmed his daughter again. Yes he would've likely gone to prison but going to prison and serving half your sentence behind bars is much better than a dead daughter in my eyes. It would be time well served and worth it to have my daughter alive and grandchildren safe and with a mother.

Ok, here I think my expectations here would be quite different. I would expect them to do all they could to press matters with the police, to offer financial support, to help her find as secure a place to live as possible (unlikely to be with them, realistically). I wouldn't expect the dad to commit murder/assault someone so badly they were permanently severely disabled (I wasn't sure which one you meant by 'made it so he couldn't harm her again'), not least because I think that's a far from certain outcome of confronting this man physically, even if the dad was the larger/stronger of the two.

I was the opposite- I asked my DW if she would choose me or the baby if only one of us could get through delivery alive- she said she would definitely choose me, and I said good. I would choose me in that situation too!

My dad was asked this when my DM was in labour with me- he told them to prioritise her- I’m perfectly comfortable with that.

However, now said child is here there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to protect him, or just to help him.

I agree with this. There are so many things worse than death. It's actually parents being selfish because they don't want the grief of losing their kid/s. They don't think about what their kid will go through losing them. And yeah kids actually need their parents to raise them to adulthood so what good is them being dead?

It's all performative nonsense anyway, same as single parents making sure any partner knows "my kids always come first"-just no need to say it, all this comparison about who people love more yuck.