'i would die for my kids' ..but would people really?!

I'm sorry for your loss. I think perhaps when the child is young they might adjust better. I lost my dad fairy young but I was an adult, I definitely didn't thrive afterwards or ever since really. If I'd lost him at say 8 I'd probably be fine though, I doubt I'd even remember him and not having a dad would just be normal. Personally I don't care about beautiful moments but I definitely don't want to suffer.

@Endoftheroad12345 that's appalling. You're a bigger person than me for being in contact. I'm truly sorry you were dealt such a poor hand when you got them as parents.

I’ve been the daughter leaving the abusive husband @ShouldIGoHigher. The aftermath of my marriage wasn’t as horrendous as your poor friend, but my exH had been physically abusive during our marriage including beating me around the head and giving me a black eye. He cleaned out our joint account of tens of thousands of dollars, I had to live with him for 3 months after separation during which time he terrorised me and our kids including spitting in my face. My parents did absolutely nothing to help me - they knew it all - still greeted him like a long lost friend when they saw him, never offered me or the kids a room or any financial assistance (“you’re so independent”) once witnessed him kicking off at me and the kids on Christmas day and actually left our house as it was “awkward”. My mum lobbied for us to get back together for ages and texted him behind my back.

I’ll never forgive them and I was 41. I don’t think you ever get over being betrayed like that by the people who are meant to protect you, regardless of how old you are. I’m currently on speaking terms as my father is drying of cancer but I keep them very much at arm’s length. I can honestly say I would put myself in harm’s way to protect my kids, because I have. If my daughter called me and told me her husband was hitting her I would be round there within 5 minutes with a moving van and a police officer. The thought of it makes me feel enraged. I can’t understand how any parent could feel otherwise.

Doesn't mean they'd rather be dead, or that I'd want to make that guess.

I never said it didn't affect me. He overdosed. Of course it affected me! I was placed into care.

I'm just saying that lots of things can happen in life that are horrible. We don't know. Our kids could suffer immense tragedy. That doesn't mean we end their lives.

We know they will suffer in life and we hope they will have enough beautiful moments to make it all worth it.

I wouldn't let my son die because there is still hope for him.

@Josette77 maybe from the outside it looks like they're thriving but perhaps they're really struggling with it, how could you possibly know? Just because losing a parent young didn't affect you doesn't mean that's the same for everyone. I dare say many parents look like they're "thriving" after losing a child too. Doesn't mean that's really the case.

Why do people think losing your parents young is worse than death?

My dad died when I was young, two of my best friends died young from cancer. One left behind a 23 month old, one an 11 yo. Those kids are amazing. They are thriving.

It does reflect on how much a person cares for their child, if your daughter is asking for support, so she can go for mammogram, she obviously hasn’t got anyone else to ask.In this situation both her parents, couldn’t help, due to work commitments? Both of them couldn’t change there arrangements that day, l find that hard to believe.Again if your child is really struggling financially and the parent(s) are not, it’s not ‘bailing them out’ it’s understanding it’s not easy for younger people today, if you’re in a position to help, meaning you can comfortably do so, that’s just being a parent surely.

I can't say that I do, TBH. I'm sure that I would take risks to ensure their safety if it came down to that, but it's not really something I think about often.

My PIL often say they'd die for my DC and I want to say to them (but never do) that it's not necessary at all, but if they wanted to live a bit more for them they could always go out for walks, eat a little healthier and give up all the junk food and be alive and healthier longer which DC would benefit from a lot more.

I think they just like to say it a lot.

It annoys me that they don't do the little things we ask for DC while alive, like ask DC how they are when you see them, don't just ask if they've missed you or noticed you were away 🙄.

Too easy to say I'll die for you but not to actually do the caring things needed.

Yes if it came to it then of course. If there were some freak situation where either they die or me then I would always choose me.

However that does not mean I would do anything for them. That is a very different proposition. Indeed there are some very mundane things that I might not do for them.

No. I only live once.

also agree with comments that it may be different when DC are children v adults

I think your OP is confusing two things as some others have said - I believe a lot of people would risk themselves for their DC eg running into a burning building or other extreme scenarios stated but that is not the same as putting DC first daily.

The cancer scenario - it is possible the parent meant that they'd rather themselves than their child but they still might not be great at childcare.

Yes, you could be right. My kids are tiny, so I can't think of them as adults. I don't know how I'll feel as they grow older, but I know that right now I would do anything for them.

I don't think it's meaningless. There's fewer things in life I have ever felt so certain about. Do you not feel that?

When my son was a baby he was attacked by a dog while he sat in his pram in a playground. I'm scared of dogs (and this one was scary) but without a moment's hesitation I ran ag the dog, screaming at it, and wrestled it off my son with my bare hands. Obviously I didn't die, and actually we were both okay, but in that moment I would have done literally anything to protect my little boy.

I think it's a meaningless phrase because realistically when are you going to be in that situation? They are all such unlikely scenarios - being a hostage, donating an organ (I can't imagine any ethics board would approve a heart transplant from a living donor!)

It's like that Bruno Mars song where he promises all kinds of ways that he would supposedly die for this girl he likes, none of which will ever happen, and whines that she won't do things for him (probably wash his crusty socks or shag him, ew)

I'd sacrifice everything even if I had nothing left

If it was a choice between me and my children then I'd put them first always

Fortunately very very few of us will ever have to actually give up our lives for our children but I do think people think differently when their children are little versus when they are older and adults. perhaps some of the examples where parents haven't helped out has been when the child is an adult and so there is an expectation that they can look after themselves eg financially

I absolutely cannot get my head around this. In your Mother's shoes I would have physically defended my DD without hesitation. I'm not physically intimidating at all but seeing my daughter hurt would enrage me and I know the Tiger Mum instinct would blind me to anything else.

I reacted similarly when DD was younger and a teenage boy deliberately slammed into her on his scooter. I swear I saw red and I descended on him like the Wrath of God. It never occured to me that he topped me by about 6 inches and outweighed me by about 80lbs. I've never felt anything like it before or since, just instantly flooded with huge amounts of adrenaline.

The urge to protect is primitive and primeval. Just because someone is a parent it doesn't always follow that they care deeply about their child or have any kind of bond with them.

See, this is madness. Confessing to a criminal offence you did not commit is insane. And IMO, it's shit parenting. If your kid is our committing crime, surely the proper parenting is to ensure they take responsibility for their own actions?

It's a funny one. I know my father would kill for me, but then he's not speaking to me because I told him I didn't want to hear his racist views.

That's different though, as someone upthread said. As a sweeping generalisation mother will die for, father will kill for 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'd die for either of my kids in a heartbeat, if it was me or them. No hesitation.

Of course I would in a heartbeat no questions asked if it was me or DD I would save her every time . That's what being a parent is or should be but then we all know there are plenty of people out there who shouldn't be parents

People only mean it in a hostage situation if it was really obvious life vs death.

However minor inconvenience to their daily lives like going for a scan and helping with childcare depends on the person. Some people are more helpful than others. I doubt my parents mean it as they aren’t very helpful physically or emotionally.

And if he’d murdered him?
he’d get longer as well as have to live with the guilt of taking a life.

if the family need his income they are fucked

once you stoop that low you can no longer expect police support it changes everything.

if she had taken the abusers side now he’s the victim. meaning the dads lost everything and he’s still won.

the dad getting killed in the fight, yes the abuser is locked up, imagine that guilt on your shoulders.

my dad didn’t do that for me either, he’s 6ft 2, and soft as butter. It would have made it worse. Much much worse. Him being locked up, my mum blaming me for it. It would be awful.