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Original poster

Do you think this is odd? School parent situation

34 replies

SilverSam · 19/09/2024 20:20

Posting on behalf of (and with permission from) my partner who is baffled!

Our DS has just started his second year of primary. Mid way through the reception year he (DP) struck up a friendship with another (male) parent from the other class after they were introduced through our children.

When they saw one another on the school run, the school dad often suggested they meet up with the boys for a game of football or whatever else which DP thought sounded like a nice idea. They exchanged numbers (initiated by the dad) and when school dad next text or called for a chat (which he would do) DP would suggest a time/activity but then the he would go silent.

Then, a week or two later he'd get a call from school dad out of the blue for a completely random chat about sports, games or even what we were having for tea.. during which he (other dad) would once again suggest getting together soon with the boys.

DP suggested a time/place, then silence again!

It happens numerous times so DP decides he probably won't bother again.

This happens again just before the 6 weeks holidays and then he hears nothing from him until the kids went back to school the other week. Then, once again, the school dad starts getting in touch.

Last week he called DP who was cooking at the time and the dad was making conversation about food, what's he having for dinner, what does he like to make etc. He joked about DP going round and showing him how to cook a good curry.

During this call the dad asked whether our DS would like to have a sleep over with his DS (at our house) as the boys had been discussing it at school and his DS had been badgering him to ask if it can happen. DP asked me, from the living room, and I said sure, the boys get on great and his DS is a lovely lad - he's more than welcome.

DS is present so completely aware of all of this and gets excited.

The following day DP texts him and asks whether his DS would like to stay over this coming Friday. School dad replies to say he'll ask him (I thought it was his idea?) then silence again!

The way this pans out anybody would think DP was harassing him yet its always him who initiates contact, suggests things etc.

DP is completely baffled and now so am I.

AIBU to think this is very odd? And what do you think it's all about?

NC btw.

OP posts:
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Original poster
SilverSam · 19/09/2024 23:17

YaCannyKickYaGrannyInTheShin · 19/09/2024 23:01

I cannot for the life of me fathom how your DH has managed so many conversations, without ever saying "Nah mate, you never get back to me when I suggest dates/times".

Would that not be a normal bog standard thing to say?

To lots of people yes it would 😂

OP posts:
AiryFairyLights · 19/09/2024 23:17

RockyRogue1001 · 19/09/2024 20:49

The dad fancies your DH

Or is just totally overwhelmed by being a single dad

That's where my mind went too 😳

Original poster
SilverSam · 19/09/2024 23:15

samqueens · 19/09/2024 22:59

I agree with PP there’s a bit more to this, and possibly something tricky like alcohol involved (although with the suggestion of a sleepover I was going to say trying to get extra childcare, even before you said single parent!) Being a single parent is really tough - being a kid whose mum has disappeared must also be really tough. What you’ve said suggests there is a lot going on in that house at the very least.

The one thing I would do is really keep an eye out for that little boy if he is lovely and your son and he are good friends. Try not to let the dad’s weird flakiness prevent him being invited to things etc. Even if it means sometimes going a bit further out of your way than you might normally - you may need to be quite proactive to ensure plans actually happen. Let that child know he is valued.Try and focus more on facilitating the friendship than on the dad and your DP.

If you can, bump into the dad on the school run yourself. Make contact and say you’d like to have his son over. Be clear with him along the lines of: we wouldn’t want to disappoint the boys if it’s not going to happen, so why don’t we fix a time now? We could pick him up X or Y day and he can come for tea. Which works for you? You can collect him from ours at x time.

Also might help to create a buffer, just in case your DP decides he doesn’t want to get too friendly with the dad, but you do want the boys to stay close. That way the kids’ friendship isn’t dependent on the adults getting on.

I know so many men who are just absolutely crap at making plans. They don’t seem to understand that just saying it would be nice for something to happen will not make it so. (Unless it’s something they want to do!) I reckon between him and your DH it’ll never go ahead - get involved!

Good points! I'll try and catch him on Monday, DP is on school run duties tomorrow.

I will definitely keep an eye out for his DS, he's such a sweet child. He was dealt an absolute shit hand in life in terms of his DM and I feel awful for him about it. He's always welcome here or on any outings or activities we do and I'll keep that door open regardless of how things pan out between DP and dad.

I haven't got to know him very well myself and it's always been DP talking to him although I do say hello etc he definitely seems less interested in talking to me 😁 but I will try!

OP posts:
YaCannyKickYaGrannyInTheShin · 19/09/2024 23:01

I cannot for the life of me fathom how your DH has managed so many conversations, without ever saying "Nah mate, you never get back to me when I suggest dates/times".

Would that not be a normal bog standard thing to say?

samqueens · 19/09/2024 22:59

I agree with PP there’s a bit more to this, and possibly something tricky like alcohol involved (although with the suggestion of a sleepover I was going to say trying to get extra childcare, even before you said single parent!) Being a single parent is really tough - being a kid whose mum has disappeared must also be really tough. What you’ve said suggests there is a lot going on in that house at the very least.

The one thing I would do is really keep an eye out for that little boy if he is lovely and your son and he are good friends. Try not to let the dad’s weird flakiness prevent him being invited to things etc. Even if it means sometimes going a bit further out of your way than you might normally - you may need to be quite proactive to ensure plans actually happen. Let that child know he is valued.Try and focus more on facilitating the friendship than on the dad and your DP.

If you can, bump into the dad on the school run yourself. Make contact and say you’d like to have his son over. Be clear with him along the lines of: we wouldn’t want to disappoint the boys if it’s not going to happen, so why don’t we fix a time now? We could pick him up X or Y day and he can come for tea. Which works for you? You can collect him from ours at x time.

Also might help to create a buffer, just in case your DP decides he doesn’t want to get too friendly with the dad, but you do want the boys to stay close. That way the kids’ friendship isn’t dependent on the adults getting on.

I know so many men who are just absolutely crap at making plans. They don’t seem to understand that just saying it would be nice for something to happen will not make it so. (Unless it’s something they want to do!) I reckon between him and your DH it’ll never go ahead - get involved!

Obimumkinobi · 19/09/2024 22:56

Strangerthanfictions · 19/09/2024 21:31

This is very astute. I knew this even though I'd didn't realise it about family. Perfect description

Show quote history

This. It's not money, as a sleepover at yours costs him nothing. If he had designs on your DH he'd be making firm plans to get him round there - maybe even away on some Dads/Son trips.
He's one of those annoyingly likeable but insincere people who like a drink and chat when they've got spare time and they talk a good fight. But only when it suits them. They're like it to everyone.

Lemonadeand · 19/09/2024 22:40

Maybe he likes the idea of meet ups but the reality of arranging them/managing his diary is too overwhelming for some reason.

Original poster
SilverSam · 19/09/2024 22:14

MrSeptember · 19/09/2024 22:03

Oh, and re my example, a friend who knows me well and who is avery much a planner, "manages" me further when she knows I'm in this state even with longer-term things. She'll send me a message saying "I'm booking the trampoline park for next Sunday at 11:00. Do you and DC want to come? If so, I'll book for all of us". It's a simple yes/no answer for me. Sometimes I say yes. Sometimes I say, "I'd love to but I just can't work out what we're doing on Sunday yet and I don't know if there's sports or in laws or whatever" and she, bless her, says, "ok, if you are free, and there's still tickets it would be great to see you."

[Also, I feel obliged to add I am not always like this and my friend totally understands AND I am an excellent friend in other ways and she would 100% agree that we play to each other's strengths. eg I am much more confident socially and outgoing so will bring her along to things she wants to do, but feels nervous doing alone or will act as her wingman]

Thank you for your perspective that's definitely pause for thought. I know exactly what you mean because I can be like that myself. I've got ADHD and feel overwhelmed much of the time, so making concrete plans in advance can be both difficult and a bit stressful as things always tend to crop up between work and my older DC's.

If this were the case with DP's friend I know DP would be understanding and accommodating so It's a shame he doesn't feel able to say "lots on, difficult to commit in advance" or something.

DP is going to drop him a line in the next few days and suggest popping for a pint the same day. His friend has supportive DP's who have his DS for him when he needs a hand so childcare shouldn't be an issue. I'll update with what happens!

OP posts:
Dunnoburt · 19/09/2024 22:14

Another vote here for alcohol ........

MrSeptember · 19/09/2024 22:03

Oh, and re my example, a friend who knows me well and who is avery much a planner, "manages" me further when she knows I'm in this state even with longer-term things. She'll send me a message saying "I'm booking the trampoline park for next Sunday at 11:00. Do you and DC want to come? If so, I'll book for all of us". It's a simple yes/no answer for me. Sometimes I say yes. Sometimes I say, "I'd love to but I just can't work out what we're doing on Sunday yet and I don't know if there's sports or in laws or whatever" and she, bless her, says, "ok, if you are free, and there's still tickets it would be great to see you."

[Also, I feel obliged to add I am not always like this and my friend totally understands AND I am an excellent friend in other ways and she would 100% agree that we play to each other's strengths. eg I am much more confident socially and outgoing so will bring her along to things she wants to do, but feels nervous doing alone or will act as her wingman]

MrSeptember · 19/09/2024 21:52

The alcohol thing is definitely a possibility.

Could also be someone who is overwhelmed, especially as a single parent. I am not a single parent, but I am a very busy, peri-menopausal woman who has quite a lot of stress at various times and there have definitely been times when I might pick up the phone to call someone spontaneously, but making forward plans if there's any choice/decision making is just beyond me in these moments. SO someone saying "Let's meet up for drinks - wednesdays and fridays are usually good for me" which, when I'm NOT stressed and overwhelmed would be a fantastic opening gambit on making social plans, literally paralyses me in those moments because the planning, thinking and decision-making feels too much.

If this is the case with him, my suggestion to your Dh would be to send him plans that he can do spontaneously, if he wants to. eg, "Me and DS are heading to the park for some football in about an hour if you and Johnny are around and want to join us. Just turn up." Or "The begging for Mcdonalds is insane over here so we're going to head down there for dinner tonight. Let me know if you want to throw in the towel on prepping dinner and meet us there."

judgenikki · 19/09/2024 21:47

Mosharella · 19/09/2024 20:28

I would assume alcohol.
I may be wrong but in my experience this is a typical communication style of people who like a drink . Broken promises, random phone calls to talk about nothing , etc.

That's why assumptions should be kept to yourself he may be new to area or a single dad or finds it difficult to interact lots of reasonable reasons also just don't jump straight to alcohol

Original poster
SilverSam · 19/09/2024 21:36

MyBrownEyedHandsomeBoy · 19/09/2024 21:28

Could be a movie of things. It's already been mentioned but my first thoughts were:

  • depression (trying his best to reach out, trying to find a friend IRL to open up to, then backs out of the idea)
  • possibly gay? Suddenly has courage to open up....Then backs out again
  • potential other MH issues / could be autistic maybe and just really struggles to keep up a friendly relationship, but is really trying - just can't follow through
  • or could even be he's just super busy and maybe has so many mates so arranges things then just physically can't squeeze your DP in

Either way it's frustrating for your DP. But it definitely isn't normal behaviour

It's interesting you queried autism as that also crossed my mind. I did think all the interest in what he was having for dinner etc seemed a bit socially awkward (something DP has been in the past when he hasn't known what to say but knows he should say something - and he almost certainly has autism).

Edited to add - I would see him at the school most afternoons and he was definitely less chatty and social than the other parents, he tends to back off a bit and stand on his own or wait across the road.

OP posts:
Original poster
SilverSam · 19/09/2024 21:31

ThisOchreLemur · 19/09/2024 21:23

  1. Could he be depressed? Want to do things but then has no energy/motivation to do them.
  2. .Is he broke? Same as before, he might want to do those things but then he can't afford them and he is ashamed of it.
  3. He might feel lonely as a single dad and wants a chat with someone does why he calls your husband.
  4. He is gay.
  5. He is just an idiot.

Depressed - it's possible. From the limited info DP has relayed to me I imagine he's had his fair amount of stress to deal with.

Broke - this is something I thought of too. I have lone parent friends who have struggled financially, my DM was also one. To counteract that, just incase, DP has only ever suggested doing something with no costs attached.

Lonely - I think this is probably likely!

Gay - Bisexual perhaps (or realised he is gay in later life) as he's mentioned previous female partners and has definitely slept with women 😂

An idiot - remains to be seen!

OP posts:
Strangerthanfictions · 19/09/2024 21:31

Mosharella · 19/09/2024 20:28

I would assume alcohol.
I may be wrong but in my experience this is a typical communication style of people who like a drink . Broken promises, random phone calls to talk about nothing , etc.

This is very astute. I knew this even though I'd didn't realise it about family. Perfect description

MyBrownEyedHandsomeBoy · 19/09/2024 21:28

Could be a movie of things. It's already been mentioned but my first thoughts were:

  • depression (trying his best to reach out, trying to find a friend IRL to open up to, then backs out of the idea)
  • possibly gay? Suddenly has courage to open up....Then backs out again
  • potential other MH issues / could be autistic maybe and just really struggles to keep up a friendly relationship, but is really trying - just can't follow through
  • or could even be he's just super busy and maybe has so many mates so arranges things then just physically can't squeeze your DP in

Either way it's frustrating for your DP. But it definitely isn't normal behaviour

Original poster
SilverSam · 19/09/2024 21:25

SharpWriter · 19/09/2024 21:03

I had something similar (ish) once with a female acquaintance. She would often text to say 'hi how are you? It would be great to meet up' then when I said 'sounds good, let me know when you're free' she'd go silent. It was totally bewildering. She definitely wasn't a drinker nor a twat- she was nice and had a lot of friends. I never did figure it out so can't offer any advice really, just wanted to say you're not alone!

Really strange isn't it!

Slightly different situ but your post has just reminded me of somebody I used to know from my home town.

She would message me endlessly, chat on the phone for half an hour at a time, drone on about her relationship problems (which i let her do as I thought we were friends) then when I bumped into her on a night out and she was with other people she didn't even acknowledge my existence 😂

OP posts:
ThisOchreLemur · 19/09/2024 21:23
  1. Could he be depressed? Want to do things but then has no energy/motivation to do them.
  2. .Is he broke? Same as before, he might want to do those things but then he can't afford them and he is ashamed of it.
  3. He might feel lonely as a single dad and wants a chat with someone does why he calls your husband.
  4. He is gay.
  5. He is just an idiot.
Cas112 · 19/09/2024 21:13

Ifoughthefight · 19/09/2024 20:59

Just a twat. Empty headed male twat.

Are you ok love?

SharpWriter · 19/09/2024 21:03

I had something similar (ish) once with a female acquaintance. She would often text to say 'hi how are you? It would be great to meet up' then when I said 'sounds good, let me know when you're free' she'd go silent. It was totally bewildering. She definitely wasn't a drinker nor a twat- she was nice and had a lot of friends. I never did figure it out so can't offer any advice really, just wanted to say you're not alone!

Ifoughthefight · 19/09/2024 21:01

yes, more likely by the sound of it, gay twat who knows he cannot achieve anything but has to waste people's precious time

Ifoughthefight · 19/09/2024 20:59

Just a twat. Empty headed male twat.

Original poster
SilverSam · 19/09/2024 20:56

RockyRogue1001 · 19/09/2024 20:49

The dad fancies your DH

Or is just totally overwhelmed by being a single dad

I made a joke about exactly that earlier on! Suggesting somebody come round and cook isn't generally something dad-to-dad is it? It's something I would have probably said to DP when we were in the flirty stage 😂

DP is likely on the spectrum so flirting goes STRAIGHT over his head!

On a serious note, I can well imagine he does feel overwhelmed as a single parent. We feel for him as it can't be easy, that's partly why DP has always left the door open and would be more than happy to be a friend if needed.

OP posts:
Cas112 · 19/09/2024 20:49

Tell dp to just stop answering him

Weird and maybe it's more about the other dad trying to have some type of friendship than the kids

RockyRogue1001 · 19/09/2024 20:49

The dad fancies your DH

Or is just totally overwhelmed by being a single dad