To feel uneasy about this school mum relationship…

Asking where someone is from isn't automatically racist.

I had my hair cut by a woman from Asia. I asked if she was Korean. She was. Am I being racist? No.

She asked if I was English and I said I was mixed race - I am English, born here, but my dad wasn't. She was quite surprised. We had a laugh about it. Does this make her racist?

No talking about race/ethnicity is fine, saying something derogatory about a person's race/ethnicity is racism.

So what did she say that was racist?

Nope really not - I know Nigel farage is a terrible leader and not pleasant in my opinion but before assuming all reform voters are racism you should look at the policies they voted for and not the dramatic headlines that twist all parties policies

Only racist reform supporters say this.

But you understand she'll absolutely pick up her parents' racist right wing views, you can't have your daughter around that, surely? Utter madness.

Then why not say that, why decide to focus on something that could be innocent.

honestly it’s rather disturbing. Why you are going to go on holiday with someone you dislike and don’t wish to go on holiday with. Just say no. It doesn’t impact the kids. And if agree to do things you don’t wish, as said this is on you and you need help. Do you have a partner, someone who is able to make decisions and can help you ? If so use them and don’t make decisions, just say I need to ask the responsible adult.

If we all had the same views life would be crap.
I don't get the school mum's seems to be more drama with adults than the kids.
School is for kids not for adults.

I can understand not wanting to completely cancel the relationship on behalf of your DD - although I would warn you to be careful because as the get older, your DD's friend might start with some of these comments and that can cause confusion. We've had this a couple of times with children our DC have been friends with.

But I really don't understand why you feel obliged to go on holiday. I was asked a while ago about a possible family trip with one of DD's friends. We like them, get on well etc....but a family holiday is `not something DH and I would want. I was super polite and friendly but just said lightly that money just wouldn't allow it as any holiday budget we'd keep for ourselves at this point. She totally understood and it was no problem. I've also been honest with people that we're not really group holiday people and that if money permitted we might do something like go to the same place or resort, but we'd need lots of time just us. The trick, I think, is not to say, "Oh god, that sounds awful" or "I hate people who do group holidays" but keep it to your own preferences.

Agree with this , especially the "don't get enmeshed" bit

Excellent advice

Have your own friends

Your child's friends parents are acquaintances imo

Dial it down with this woman - she's not your tribe. Have a 'big piece of work' come up that means you are going to be busy and not able to commit to going away.

But don't have any sort of drama - it's just not worth it. You're not going to change her opinion of anything and your kids are happy as friends so you need to be able to rub along.

At some point your kids will move on from each other - friendships are 'all a phase' all be way through so don't ever get too enmeshed with any of their mums. Always just hold something back.

On this occasion it’s sorry I’ll have to cancel x trip, maybe another time.
If pushed your mother/sister/ grandad is having surgery and you’re on call to help. Be vague.
And in the future agree to nothing, always say I’ll talk it over with DH, leave that with me, I’ll have to look in the diaries see if we’re free. Agree to little things— coffee, taking the kids skating or swimming, offer to take her dd with yours to something.

This sums it up

Really ?????

So when you walk down the street where no one knows your name but only sees you how many times have you had racists shout racist things at you?
My friends don't need to sat anything people just look at their skin colour and treat them differently.
Infact a couple have English names but when they are introduced to people expecting a white person they do a double take because opps they didn't expect a poc! I've seen their demeanour change like they think they were hoodwinked or something. Its been a real eye opener and also seriously sad, makes me so angry.

Oh come on!

If someone asks a black person 'which country are you from'.....that's racist. Pure and simple.

You could ask about the family heritage ....of their great great grandparents, perhaps.....but you wouldn't ask that on first meeting someone

So.....yes, this woman is racist and especially so if she is pro the farage riots and probably so if she voted reform

I couldn't be around someone like this for longer than 30 minutes

The End

By being friends or associated with a racist I would assume that you are also racist.

Yes people have different beliefs but she dislikes people just because of where they are from. She’s a dick and you would be a dick not to stand up and refuse any further friendship with her.

I would imagine that she has latched on to you because it’s hard to make friends when you are full of hatred.

What example are you setting your child?

It's not that important she will not thank you for it and you will have to work on getting her cultured after her friend and family brainwash her. You're teaching your DD to beg friends she is at school to get an education.

This! 👏🏼

‘Surely we all know people like this and what they're like? Stop pretending otherwise.’

For those still scratching their heads in confusion and thinking you don’t know people like this and you still don’t understand why what they said was offensive … it’s you. You’re ‘people’. 😂

I’ve lived abroad and was asked what country I was from several times a day, most of the time. I never thought it was a rude question. I now live in the UK and am married to a non Brit, he gets asked where he’s from and doesn’t think it’s rude either. Surely people are just curious or trying to make conversation?

I do find it a strange idea that being deemed ‘non-British’ is seen as this terrible thing. Most people aren’t that fussed believe it or not!

I can relate to this…our child has SEND and struggles to form friendships. The two friends they have made have parents who share similar views to the person you describe. One shares EDL type things on fb. The other friends mother is probably more Reform leaning and is trying to cultivate a friendship (even down to suggesting a weekend away together!) I’m trying to keep them both at arms length while still maintaining the kids friendship. They’re still only 5 so hoping our child develops some other friendships. Prior to this I’d have been very black and white about not having a relationship with them because I find their political views utterly abhorrent but I desperately want our child to have friends too

It’s a big leap from a child’s school friend to two families going on holiday together!! Start by being polite and facilitating their friendship but fgs tell her you’re busy or have plans already when it gets too close for comfort!!

Why did she suggest going away? Could she be love bombing you? Might be trying to get you to join a cult or an extremest group.

Just distance yourself slightly but for the sake of your daughter I wouldn't start openly going up to the mum and calling her out - if you're uncomfortable be around her less.

So @PinkyPhonk what if your daughter returns from a playdate with a racist toned turn of phrase or an opinion or a comment which comes from her friend who got it from her mum.....?

It would me too. The thing is you can be friendly, in the sense that you are with acquaintances and some colleages, without being bosom buddies. Just because her daughter is the friend of your daughter, it doesn't automatically follow that you will be the same. You sound like chalk and cheese. Just keep it light.

I have no comment about your family trip away, that will have to sort itself out.