To feel uneasy about this school mum relationship…

I am from Australia. If I were to go to visit or live in England and someone asked me where I was from because of my accent, would that be considered racist? Or would it simply be viewed as showing an interest?

Some people are just simply interested in other parts of the world and having a conversation with someone from another country can broaden our knowledge of different cultures. I don’t see this as racism.

I got chatting with a couple from England who were visiting Australia and they asked me where I was from. It turned out that they thought my accent was not an Australian accent. Which I found interesting. However, some people might interpret that as racism. I don’t interpret it that way.

I mistook a Canadian accent for an American accent once. Doesn’t make me an ignorant racist. Just I’m human, I don’t know everything and I make mistakes just like everyone else.

Being so quick to judge people, jumping to conclusions and policing people is leading us into being divisive, intolerant, prone to making false accusations, anger, contempt and hatred. That can’t be good for us.

Unless, this person showed a bit more evidence of being racist, how about giving her the benefit of the doubt?

Do they ask you that simply because of your skin colour? Even if you are otherwise a born and bred Brit

if not - then no you won’t understand…

It's not because of politics, it's because of racism.

And maybe don't use words like "ick" if you want your views to be taken seriously

Why are you asking if you thought "diversity was a good thing"? Don't you know what you think?

It's not. I am going to spell it out for you. I grew up in NI when the Troubles were at their height. I made friends with Catholics and Protestants alike because I was able to set aside their opinions (that had been bred into them down the generations) and see the actual person they were. We didn't ever discuss it so I have no idea how far down the political rabbithole they were on either side.

I was in no doubt, in some cases, that had my dad been for example in the RUC (he wasn't), some of their parents wouldn't have thought twice about shooting him dead or blowing him up.

Makes me think of Ian Paisley snr and Martin McGuinness. Never had any time for either of them - at total opposite ends of the political spectrum. Yet even they managed to set aside their differences in the end and become, if not friends, respectful of each other.

Now your child is going to meet all creeds, colours, races, ethnicities, genders, throughout her life. It's your job to support her in making her way through that and realising that everyone is not the same. My parents taught me tolerance, and I taught my children the same.

Sorry I really don’t understand statements about being racist just because she asked where are you from? I get asked that pretty much all the time, it’s tiring as I lived here a while but I never considered it’s racist.

In the U.K. appearance isn’t enough. There would also need to be a foreign accent for that question to be asked, unless the person asking has been living under a rock for decades. The OP hasn’t given us enough context.

That's not what was said, creating an uncomfortable atmosphere because of politics is the ick. And not everyone who doesn't vote labour is an automatic racist. Especially in this situation when it's just a bloody friendship between two kids.

Why do people feel they need to be best friends with their kid’s best friend’s mum? Just keep in polite.

Exactly this

She will deny being a racist and get all "offended".

This. Your DD is friends with her DD, why does there need to be any more to it than that?

It's not a "major ick" to call out racists, for Christ's sake!

Tbh I think you're being a bit over sensitive, from how you have written it the comment doesn't sound horrific, clumsy and odd yes but she didn't hurl a racial slur. Politics are very divisive these days, I know and am friends with lovely reform, labour, liberal and conservative voters, I personally don't care who people vote for as tbh all governments are entirely shit and not worthy enough to divide over, it should be the voters Vs the government instead of all this bickering and falling out between friends, colleagues, family etc on what shit government is a bit less shit than the other.

The fact that your DD has a lovely friend is the main thing here. You don't have to be close to the mum, my mum was never best mates with my friend's mum's. They would chit chat, maybe have a coffee while we played, but we wouldn't do family outings together nor would they meet up without us kids. Can you just be friendly with her, ignore the politics, and let your dd enjoy her friendship?

Also the holiday seems unnecessary, just say you've got other holiday plans "maybe next year," I would never holiday with another family unless they were close mates (as in we the parents close mates).

I don’t really understand your intolerance. Your example sound very much like your interpretation. Nothing unkind was said. And it’s important to be able to have friends with different opinions. It used to be normal. I fear we are becoming a more divided society because people refuse to have friends with different opinions. If you are that worried, just make sure she knows your other half is a loyal Labour voter and that politics is best avoided.

So you are that desperate for your child to have a friend that you will settle for a bad one.

That’s ridiculous and you know it.

You don’t need to challenge her or have it out with her. You just need to keep it as a children’s friendship at school, and not start bringing your families together, being friends yourself.

I find racist views totally abhorrent but she’s not going to change her mind. You don’t have to be friends in order for the kids to be.

Just have a “big piece of work on” as a pp says, or not have much spare cash right now or whatever works. And just be noncommittal about making plans together.

Firstly I doubt very much this mum will be having political type/racist discussions with this child.

Secondly, I would hope that said child would be secure in the example set by her parents to either challenge racism or at the very least, ignore it.

Because I’m Asian in ethnicity but born and bred in London and as British as they come.

so if you ask me where I’m from simply because I’ve got darker skin than you (which is the only reason because my accent is like any Londoner’s) I would quite clearly say to you: the UK.

othering people based on skin colour and ethnicity is racism. It’s really not difficult

but in any case…. This friend of OPs also said she could justify the riots etc so please stop justifying

Did you miss the outright racism bit?

And you don't think the OP can teach her DD to challenge such views? Like it or not, we all mix in life with people who don't see the world the same way as we do. I think it would be very limiting if we didn't!

Was it just that one “where are you from?” comment?

I’d back off and stop hanging out so much with someone who made racist comments. I’d at least go very quiet and awkward. No way you can get out of this? You do realise that this ‘good friend’ will probably be talking your daughter her racist views.

How simplistic.

Where I grew up, political and religious views were totally polarised, to the point of violence.

I've never been all that interested in either set of views. I have never seen it as a barrier to friendships. So long as you have an understanding that these subjects are 'no trespass' zones, you can actually get on pretty well with someone whose views on these subjects are diametrically opposed to yours!

I'm not a fan of cossetting your little darlings to only hear only your views, and that they should only mix with your clones. Teach them well at home and they will soon shut down anything they see as racism, same as mine learned about making friends across a huge chasm in terms of religion and politics.

Happily, none of my three give either a second thought. It's just not on their radar. Discrimination, racism, transgenderism - those are issues that exercise their minds.

This woman is most likely the product of her upbringing too. Maybe you could be a good influence on her, challenge her thinking, if you wanted to?

However, in this situation, I would take a step back. You don't have to be bezzies with your children's parents and it's probably best in many ways if you're not. I would not be socialising with her other than maybe a coffee when either of you drop off at the other's house, and I would not go on any sort of holiday with them. That has disaster written all over it, and could wreck your children's friendship. Maybe this friend will be a 'forever' friend (my 25 yr old has been besties with her friend since they were 3) but most likely they will move on and make other friends. It's not sensible to get this invested.

Tbf to OP, I have this with a mum who has a lad the same age as my DD (2). I try and limit time. It's nice to share mum-tips and I try and steer convo away from reform nonsense.
But i hope as DD gets older and gets friends that ill meet more like minded mums!