To feel frustrated by the tone of responses on Mumsnet?

@CoffeeCantata I once got slaughtered on a thread where I innocently said my daughter (now mid-30s) had been diagnosed with 'mild Asperger's'. Well, the absolutely horrible names I was called, and the nasty things said about me by one poster in particular, were really out of order. Apparently my terminology was totally out of date and no-one has that diagnosis any more. Well, it was a long time ago, wasn't it?? This person angrily told me I was a terrible mother and she felt sorry for my daughter, having such a vile parent (almost the actual words).

Ugh that's really horrible. You have to wonder if some people even think before they post. It's like they get overwhelmed by some flood of long-buried emotion, and it all just pours out through the keyboard, obliterating any consciousness of rationality or manners or kindness or anything else really.

Sometimes I wish we could take a leaf out of Reddit's book, and start telling people to "Get therapy!" all the time. 😁

The nitpicking sometimes feels very unhelpful and tedious.

I’ve noticed you often get this, one particularly angry poster who totally comes for you and replies and argues with literally everything you say over some petty shit that.

Anyone who says things like “I feel sorry for your kids having you as a mother” is absolutely scum IMO.

Equally, you have to question if it's the right forum if you're feeling especially fragile, there might be better places to go for support if you're at the end of the line

Definitely good advice!

I just wish that the nasty pps would grasp that some people who ask for advice here are in a very fragile place. But a bully is a bully, and they smell blood.

I agree!

I cannot believe that people really don't understand the difference between being direct and being aggressive and rude. They pretend not to because it suits them...
I once got slaughtered on a thread where I innocently said my daughter (now mid-30s) had been diagnosed with 'mild Asperger's'. Well, the absolutely horrible names I was called, and the nasty things said about me by one poster in particular, were really out of order. Apparently my terminology was totally out of date and no-one has that diagnosis any more. Well, it was a long time ago, wasn't it?? This person angrily told me I was a terrible mother and she felt sorry for my daughter, having such a vile parent (almost the actual words).
Actually, my daughter and I have always had a brilliant relationship, then and now, and she is incredibly affectionate and often expresses gratitude to both her parents for being so nice. I don't say this to be twee, or to boast, but I often remind myself of it because what that stupid person said really affected me.

I wish I could have met them IRL - I'd have wiped the floor with them.

I think there's a fine line between direct and harsh tbh and the line varies from person to person. I've seen harsh responses but I've also seen direct/honest posters called out by the OP for not agreeing. Personally I'm a fan of tough love, especially if posting on aibu as you are literally asking people if they think you're unreasonable...and sometimes people will think you are.

My advice is scroll past the few bad eggs, and ficus on the responses that feel useful to you. Equally, you have to question if it's the right forum if you're feeling especially fragile, there might be better places to go for support if you're at the end of the line

Ive been on this site for about 12 years and I think one of the worst updates was “trending posts”.

before the snark was pretty much limited to AIBU and maybe the more bonkers threads in other topics, but I’ve seen awful responses in MH boards, eating disorders etc

Fair enough. It is subjective and sometimes words on a screen translate differently to when spoken out loud, i think it just reads to me when someone says they couldn’t get worked up about its like someone saying “calm down, dear” but I appreciate from your response it may not always be meant that way!

See I don't mind that response because they're just pointing out how different we all are.

A snarky response (to me anyway) would be them telling the OP that they're wrong to get worked up about something just because they wouldn't personally.

Which I suppose goes to show how we all read things differently.

One persons 'snark' is another persons 'fine'.

You need to treat the responses like a buffet OP. Bypass the soggy egg and cress at the start, grab a few pakoras and a handful of pringles then focus on the sweets, making sure that it's only the cup cake you take home with you.

The response I really dislike is when posters say “I couldn’t get worked up about it”. Just because you care about something or feel a certain way about something doesn’t mean you’re getting worked up about it, it’s really belittling and dismissive about what’s important to others just because it’s not important to you. Sorry if this is badly worded, I have ASD and just hate when people minimise others concerns or discomforts because it doesn’t bother them.

I think people get so caught up in being “right” that they overlook the OP’s feelings. The person posting is often in distress and can’t see the wood for the trees so really just needs kindness and patience, but those replying get frustrated by the poster’s perceived incompetence and make snide remarks.

I’ve been guilty of this myself as well! One poster couldn’t accept not being invited to her son’s Halloween party for twenty-somethings and I felt so frustrated with her. I couldn’t believe how angry I was getting about a silly internet thread!

You evil bitch!!!

Brilliant 🤣 my DH is my hero because he can kill them without the hoover😂😆😂😆

Oh there was a thread on here once about a woman asking if she should continue to see a man bc he killed a spider. Loads of comments flooded in saying ‘omg HORRIBLE! Dump him!’ And I’m sitting there laughing to my psycho self bc fuck that, all spiders go up the hoover. A man who killed a spider for me would be my hero 😂

You will notice the nasty replies come at the beginning , probably people sitting at home, lonely, bored and in foul humour, so they pounce on every thread immediately with their bile. Unfortunately this encourages others to reply in a similar way overpowering the nice helpful replies. The best thing to do is ignore the nasty replies completely and only reply and take on board the helpful ones.

Oh god yes! People are notorious for this! I saw the latest Benefits one and was about to go in, all ready to battle, then paused and closed MN instead. I don't actually enjoy feeling emotionally 'got at'. It feels like I'm being manipulated to get strung out and I wonder reflectively what impact this might be having besides just here on MN.

The term "tone police", used in self-defence by people who think they're just "telling it like it is", really winds me up.

"It's my RIGHT to talk like a complete fucking arsehole, dammit, and it's your responsibility to sit there and take it!"

Tbf on the relationship thread it's usually things like:

"My partner definitely hates me and only messages me to go over to his house and give him sex. How to I progess this relationship so that he loves me instead of using me as a free prostitute?"

AIBU can get pretty nasty quickly

I don't think there's ever any excuse for harshness when a poster asks about a genuine problem or dilemma (obviously we can't know for certain that it's genuine, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.) But people often start very controversial and disingenuous posts about autism/ADHD (EVERYONE has it don't ya know), benefits (should I report this person who I have decided is playing the system even though I know eff all about their life?) or similar, and honestly, very often they deserve it with both barrels.

To any posters moaning about similar threads cropping up and that there are other websites you can use, if you don’t like this one, well take your own advice, off you fuck then!

Its possible you were just demonstrating what the thread is about, I actually understand in a sense, I can’t help but get sucked into dog hating threads because I love dogs, but in I go defending them and getting wound up. The point is just because you have seen similar threads doesn’t mean others have, so let us comment, the thread will soon die down and we can all meet up on the next one and complain about that.

It's so easy to be a dick (within talk guidelines) in one user name and as nice as pie in another.

This is the true human nature though. IRL, everyone is forced to be as nice as pie but be a dick on the inside, which is why most people bitch about others behind their backs because they can't do it to their face. On MN, you can say it 'to their face' (anonymously). Two sides of the same coin.

(It doesn't mean I'm in support of posters being rude and unnecessary harsh though).

Different people have different experiences. Different people want different things from a forum.
We are all different.
Still no need to be mean.

Mumsnet is generally horrible , yes.

Re name change I remember the poster with a disabled child who was identified, press got involved and it became a big story, the poster's identity became known.

Then the site used to get hacked quite a bit.

There is another big upside to the NCing

Back in the part, people did not NC anywhere as often and there used to be certain well known posters who garnered weird sort of cult status on here and who were notorious for 'telling it like it is' aka 'bullying' by any other name, but a clique developed that always upheld the poster's views, a bit like mean girls adult style, so once these particular posters expressed a vitriolic view, everyone else would jump on and run with that same view whilst congratulating said 'head girl' posters. AIBU and the Relationships board were the favoured 'hallways' of said posters.

This doesn't happen so much anymore where people amass followings and it's a good thing in my opinion, that said the tone is still worse overall imo. It's just more diffused.