My child's bffs mum has died.. Would it be appropriate to bring dd to the funeral to support her friends

Took my then 6 year old to my Mothers funeral . She was absolutely fine and I could see that although it was obviously sad to say goodbye it’s also remembering and a celebration of someone’s life and her presence brought a smile to those that were there . (As an aside as they were close also took her with me to see GM in her coffin at the hospital mortuary - she peered in and said ‘ she’s definitely dead mummy she’s not breathing ‘ )
As others have said no harm in saying to the organiser you’ll be coming with your daughter if that’s ok .
Sorry for your loss.

Yes you should take her so she can grieve too.

I probably wouldn't tbh. I wouldn't want to put my 10 year old through the trauma of a distressing funeral they didn't need to go to

I'd be horrified if my friend had seen me distressed at that age so I'm on the side of not taking DD.

As someone who’s mother died when I was a sort of similar age 12/13, absolutely take your daughter, I would encourage you if I’m honest.

the service part, there were so many people I didn’t know they were there, but the food part afterwards it was great. We ate food and chatted and sorted played. Was very good a couple of my friends were there, meant all the adults could do the adulty stuff.

obviously your daughters friend may want to stay with adults but equally she may not. Plus I’m sure it would mean a lot to your daughters friend, her family and her mum that you and she were there.

them coming wasn’t agreed in advance, though it was a everyone is welcome funeral.

I would ask the family, especially as some children do not attend their parents funeral themselves. You could cause more upset than comfort as it affects everyone differently.

We were sadly in this situation this summer - we asked the family and DS was very much welcomed to come and support his friend. It has paid dividends in the new school year as well as his friend hasn't needed to tell everyone again about his mum - all his friends were there, they know what's going on, and can all move forward together as a friend group supporting him.

I was worried how DS would react as it was his first funeral but he and his friends were in much better shape than all the adults, who were in pieces.

We took both our children and another child who wished to come to my DD’s best friend’s Mum’s funeral. They wanted to come and whilst sad it was not a solemn or frightening occasion.

I think you should take your daughter.

I went to a funeral for a woman who had children aged 9 and 11. They had several friends there, who all ran off steam during the wake playing a huge game of tag in the wooded garden of the hotel. Everyone loved it, but it was agreed beforehand.

Best to check with the family OP.

I would definitely ask the family. The little girl is going to be upset and you don't know if it would distress her further to have friends see her upset. Everyone is different and children do not process or perceive things in the same way as adults do.

When I was young my best friends father died. I was about the same age as your child. I went to the funeral

Please ask the family. My children (10 & 11 at the time) were particular about which of their friends they wanted at their dad's funeral. Although I didn't fully understand at the time, I honoured their feelings and said kindly "yes"or "no" when parents asked.
They said that they'd have been very upset if a child they hadn't wanted there attended.
Turned out their instincts were right: months later one mum said, "I missed a trick not taking my kids to [your late husband's] funeral - it would given them good practice for their Grandad's". (I'm not suggesting this applies in your position, just trying to give you one family's lived experience.)

My husband died in 2018 when my youngest was 11. Her two best friends came to the funeral and sat up at the front with her, it was so good for her to have that additional support. I would check it's ok with her parent and the child herself, and if so, and your daughter wants to, go for it.

I think it’s really thoughtful of you to consider this so deeply. You know your DD and what she’s emotionally ready for- so in terms of her “readiness” to attend- go with your gut. And be prepared for big feelings (eg about your own mortality) later.

it strikes me that your little girls friend is about to go through something that (thankfully) few children will experience at her age- so it may not be a huge help to have your DD there on the day, but going forward it may bring her comfort to know that she has a friend who “gets” what she’s going through in a small way, having been with her at every stage of the journey, and who she can process all of this with later.

Thats a lot for a little girl like your daughter to potentially take on- even subconsciously- But well supported, it could be a great act of kindness and service to a friend, that will probably be a formative experience.

I'd take your daughter to the funeral but not in order to support her friend as friend will be with her family.

I found my friends a great comfort at my mum's funeral - thirty-odd years later they are still my friends today, and I've paid it back by supporting at their parent's funerals, which are now starting to happen.

Please speak to the family. You won’t be bothering them I promise. My husband died when our dd was 10. It really depends on lots of things so please just ask the family - and if you daughter is able to support their daughter at this time that is great.

I think so, especially as used to church services.

Protocol wise I think that would be fine. Just maybe let the family know who will be coming and they can respond if they feel it's inappropriate.

I think it could be tough for your daughter though. There can be a whole different level of rawness and pain when someone dies young. My children have been to funerals as toddlers and from age about 8, but I have not taken them to any of people my own age yet.

First thing you need to do is ask your daughter if she’d actually like to to?

it’s her choice.

Death is part of life, and we need to acknowledge it and face that it happens without fear. Attending funerals to support others and pay respects is part of that. I would absolutely take my daughter, and think you are doing the right thing.

@Keenrower how does DD feel about it? If she is keen then I’d be asking the family if they would like DD to attend. They may absolutely not. Even DD’s friend may not want to be seen crying etc so may not want this. I think I’d have to ask, difficult as it may be, otherwise not take DD. I’d also be saying there is no pressure - it should be BFF’s decision of her Dad is ok with it and they should be able to change their mind as well.