My child's bffs mum has died.. Would it be appropriate to bring dd to the funeral to support her friends

DS's bff's mum died 8 years ago next month. I didn't take ds to the funeral. I wish I had. The saddest thing o have ever seen is an 8 year old at his mother's funeral. His sister had her cousins (all closer to her age, all girls) to distract her, his dad was too grief stricken to comfort him. I wish I'd ignored the headteacher who'd raised her witchy eyebrows at me and said "I don't think that's very appropriate" when I said I was thinking of taking DS.

I'd take her, but do some prep. Has she been to a funeral before? Does she know what to expect? Has she seen her friends since their mother died?

I doubt that was due to going to the funeral though. Unless it’s an open casket, funerals just involve music and some readings. It’s the death that’s upsetting, not the funeral. I can understand a 9 yo being worried about her mum dying but I’d think that would be the case even if she didn’t go to the funeral.

Honestly I wouldn’t think it would give the friend any comfort at all, she will likely be in a state of shock with her family and not register a friend . Having someone to chat to and play with at the wake thoigh would be lovely. A funeral of a young woman is going to be tough. Why would you put your child through that if she doesn’t need to be there

I don’t know UK etiquette, but where I live it used to be the case that children didn’t attend funerals, but it’s certainly not the case now.

About two years ago one of my DC’s classmate’s mothers died after a long illness. DC and a lot of their classmates went to the funeral. They were all respectful. I think it was helpful for their classmate to see the quiet show of acknowledgement of loss and the quiet hand of solidarity in what was the most terrible of times.

I would say no. My DH died when my kids were 17, 13 and 9. Most of my 17 year olds friends came but none of the others friends came but they did come to the wake which I was please about. I don’t think they needed to be there for the actual funeral, really not necessary.

I'd think it a bit weird if you went to the church and didnt carry on to the wake. I've never known anyone not go to the wake after. Better not go at all than only go to part of it.

Send a note to the family offering your condolences, say that your Dd would like to support her friend and would she like her to attend the funeral ?

That way you can go along with their wishes.

It’s good for your DD to be there if she can. So many children and young peole are protected from death, then the first funeral that they go to is for someone close like a GP. It’s better to see what it’s like with someone who is less close, because it’s an important part of our life and culture. .

No. If it’s just to support the children don’t put your child through that. Plus the bereaved child may not feel comfortable with her friend there may not feel they can grieve . I speak from a widows parent pov before anyone criticises my stance , I will see these things different.

Does your daughter want to go? Do you think she can cope with seeing people distraught?

My cousin aged 9 was taken to the funeral of a relative with young children and it gave her a terrible fear of losing her own mother. For many years she would not go anywhere without her mother because she was afraid her mum would die while she was away. The child she was closest to in age always said she hated her friends seeing her so upset.

It’s fine and you don’t need to bother them at this difficult time. Also funerals are public events - you don’t need an “invite” as such. It’s for people to come and pay their respects. At 10 she’s likely old enough and I doubt she would be so distressed that it would be traumatic for her. It’s not her own mother who has died and shielding children from death does nobody any favours.

Just to add her friend was at the back with parents during the funeral.
Afterwards DD was really happy to have her at wake to have some normalcy and avoid chats with distant family/random friends etc

I would check with the family, but it sounds like a nice idea. I didn't take my 10YO DD to her best friends mum's funeral and I wish I had. Another 10YO friend was there, and it was nice for the bereaved friend to have support.

Ask the family. Same happened in our family, DD was slightly older, I checked with her and she was really happy to have her bestie there. Really helped at the wake after.

I lost a parent at a similar age as the friend. Personally I wouldn’t have wanted a school friend there as an observer of my private grief. It was bad enough having all my peers told about it at school and having to be pitied by all my classmates. Also I think a funeral is quite a different thing for a child compared to an adult. It felt much more performative and it was strange getting so much attention -perhaps because the grief was so insurmountable it wasn’t possible to really address it in a short church service. Having a friend at the wake might have been better as I spent most of the time offering relatives cups of tea and receiving well meaning but usually fairly insensitive comments from distant relatives.

I'd say definitely not. The family have enough to cope with. I really can't imagine a scenario where this would be ok.

I would definitely go if the family wants it. Funerals are a part of life and it will actually help your daughter as well as her friend.

At 10, and accustomed to church services, I think I would talk to your daughter about it and follow her lead. Especially given that she will have known that the mother was ill.

My daughter was younger, I think 7 nearly 8 (or possibly one year older) when her close friend's mother died over the summer - but so far as any of us knew it was unexpected. Several parents went to the funeral but only one classmate as far as I recall. I had briefly wondered about calling the father to discuss bringing my daughter but didn't feel confident that it would help her interactions with her friend going forward, so went on my own.

oh thats so sad. I always take children to funerals and for this one, it would be lovely for your daughter to support her friend on the day and at the wake. Its a lot for a ten year old but then its a lot for a ten year old. It would bring comfort to her friend to see a friendly face imo

I'd honestly ask. If there will be loads of adults who love the child and WANT to talk with her and who are close and want to comfort her, but don't know your child at all, having another random kid hanging around might be annoying. Although equally, having another child to bring the kid comfort and distract her while her adults are busy engaging in conversation with loads of adults the kid barely knows, might be just awesome.

My DH died when my son was 8. Three of his close friends came (they were all family friends). In all the blur I can't remember if I asked them or they asked me. I knew the vicar and made him aware about the children (there wer neices and nephews too) and he did a lovely, gentle service that involved them. As far as I remember the children didn't really interact much (except one boy had thoughtfully brought my son a football keyring). But now, three years later, I think my son really appreciates that they were there 'for him' and shared such a significant event with them. I would ask the family - they may well appreciate the thought even if it can't be accommodated
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The dad of very close friends of mine passed away when I was 11. My parents went to the funeral but I didn’t. My friends needed their family, not me. I was too young to understand what they were going through at that time and I have never once thought my parents made the wrong decision in not taking me.

Does DD want to go? I think it would be a good thing to take her but only if she's totally up for it.