My child's bffs mum has died.. Would it be appropriate to bring dd to the funeral to support her friends

I think it depends on DD. We recently went to the funeral of a young father with small children. My SD14 was mature enough to go and although it was a very hard day for her, she wanted to pay her respects. Bringing DD4 would have been absolutely inappropriate, she would have quickly got bored, interrupted the ceremony and not understood the situation. It would also have been confusing and traumatic to see all the adults crying and falling apart. His own children (2 and 4) were not in attendance for the same reasons.

Your DD is 10 so in between my two. Will she behave appropriately and will she be able to cope with the gravity of the situation? You will know better than any mumsnetter.

Not the UK. England, and Wales a bit. White English (and in particular CofE & non-religious) people can be restrictive about who attends funeral. Every other culture I've encountered here (working in a Catholic church in a ethnically very diverse area) is the opposite - like in Ireland, it can be considered rude if you don't go to a funeral. If you knew the deceased or their family in any way, you should go the the funeral, children included.

So, OP, it depends where you are. If you're in England and it's not a Catholic funeral, ask the family. If you're in another country and/or they are Catholic, just go.

I was also going to say that the cultural and religious background is relevant. In the Church of Scotland children did not traditionally attend funeral services (although that is changing for older children), at least in my part of Scotland, but it is routine in the Roman Catholic Church for children of all ages to be in attendance.

The fact that the OPs child has a Christian understanding of death and is used to being in church will make a big difference too. I'd have a wee chat with her beforehand about how a funeral service differs from a Sunday service - whether people gather outside for the hearse to arrive or go in first, where the coffin is positioned etc.

I wouldn't burden the family at this time by asking about the appropriateness or otherwise of your DD attending her BFF mum's funeral. They have enough to worry about without questions around etiquette.

I'd go with DD, having explained things to her first, and sit quietly at the back. You can gauge how things are going with DD's friend, and decide at the end of the service whether or not to make your presence known to her.

Funerals are important, and DD's BFF might well appreciate her friend being there. But if it looks like she's very upset and just wants to be with her family, then just quietly slip out afterwards.

No I would not take a 10 year old to support a friend. It's a grown up responsibility and an adult would be better placed to reassure and comfort a child at a funeral. Grandparents, uncles and aunts etc will be there to do it. It may also worry your DC and cause then undue stress.

I agree you should gently ask the family if it's OK for dd to attend with you. It sounds as though they are close and you are also friends with the family.
Do consider going to the wake as well - just prepare your daughter that you don't know how it will go - her friend may not spend much time with her at either. But equally the family may be glad she has someone her own age to be with while they may be occupied with all the other friends, family etc who are there.

@Keenrower You HAVE to ask the family,

Please, please don't assume - all these posters saying, 'It's fine'. 'It would be lovely' are only speaking from their own point of view. They think it would be.

Not everyone does. DD's close friend lost her mother whilst in school. DD would have happily gone to support but friend was absolutely adamant that she DID NOT WANT her friends there. She was teenaged and able to articulate this to them. Similarly, DS's best friend lost his youngest brother in a very tragic accident. Again - he DID NOT WANT his friends there, trying to support him at his brother's funeral. They offered. He declined very firmly. You have no idea whether the bereaved child wants your dd there, or if the bereaved father wants other children there.

You MUST ask the family. It would be so dreadful to add more stress, anger or anxiety to them at this time, which you very well could do if you listen to complete strangers telling you it's a great idea, or such a lovely thing to do.

Not everyone feels the same.

Going through the same thing but a smidge older. Yes, take her! Prepare her before hand so nothing is a surprise.

I did. I checked with the family first and I think it helped

I think you can ask - and the fact that you want to be there is a form of support even if the family would prefer your daughter not to be there

This is what I'm thinking

I took my slightly younger two, to my uncles funeral. They were fine, and my Grandmother appreciated them being there.
Many others mentioned this too.
They were well behaved and dressed appropriately.
I regretted not going to my fathers as a young teen.

Not at all criticising your view, as it is valid. But it does very much depend on the child and type of funeral. It’s not a blanket no, at all.

im coming from the pov of the bereaved child, and honestly at the time and now looking back, I am very grateful a couple of my friends came. It meant the world.

It's not going to bring her comfort. Her mum is dead.

Would you be going to the funeral if it weren't for DD. I think if they were best friends it might a bit inappropriate as she'll not have her mum but her BFF will have hers and who knows she might find she wants distance from that.

Tbh I'd ask the family they'll know best

Here (Ireland) it wouldn't even occur to me not to go - here it would probably be a bit rude not to bring her tbh. But MN has taught me that the UK is different wrt funerals. If you have a feel for their cultural background and views as a family then go for it, otherwise I'd check in.

Ask the family if it would be appropriate for kids to attend.

My friends husband died and quite a few mums thought it would be a good idea to bring their 9-10 year olds. The poor mum had to put out a long apologetic message out to ask people not to bring their kids, as her daughter wouldn’t want all her friends to see her upset. It would have been much better for parents to ask in the first place.

I think if you took her to the wake that would be appropriate, however in the church if your DD's friend saw her would she be happy to see her or would she be nervous about being so openly devastated. It's a time when she probably feels her most vulnerable without her mum. I do think though it's a really lovely thought but in this case, if it were me, I'd avoid the church with DD

According to my cousin there were people "howling like wounded dogs" totally out of control and the widower collapsed following the coffin out to the churchyard. Hard to take for an adult, let alone a child.

The protocol is to ask someone in the family. Not to decide for yourself if non relative children are welcome.

If your daughter can deal with it then I say yes.....

Speaking as another widowed parent 2 of my girls wanted bff there, 1 didn't. I think the best thing to do is ask if the daughter would like a friend there. Whatever she says goes. That's the way it worked and it allowed them to have something to control on a day where they had no control of anything else. It gave me hope when all 3 ended up outside at the wake exploring around with the 2 bffs.

Is it an open invitation type funeral where everyone is welcome, or is it more a private invite only type one?

My mother’s funeral (when I was 12/13) was at a crematorium (not sure the difference between a church funeral and a crematorium one) and was very much an everyone’s welcome type one. And the wake was also very much everyone is welcome for food and chatting and stuff.

to add, I’m pretty sure this was also my first funeral.

You need to ask.

Sometimes families state' close family only'.

You can't assume you would be welcome.