My child's bffs mum has died.. Would it be appropriate to bring dd to the funeral to support her friends

I think she should go if she wants to. It's odd that we try to shield children from funerals in the U.K.. As long as you're there with her, it's the right think to do.

I don't think OP (or anyone) thinks the DD will be physically with the bereaved girl providing support. It's the same sort of support adults show at funerals - demonstrating you're there for someone by taking the time to show up, being a body in the throng of support. That sort of thing. Not physically holding her friend's hand through the service, the family will obviously have that covered.

@Isabel99 I'm really sorry for your loss.

I wish other posters would actually read your post - and those of others who have been in similar positions instead of just blindly typing, 'It will be lovely for the bereaved child to have her there' or 'Just go. No one will mind'.

It's very clear that both adults and children are individuals and not all will welcome this. Some will find it intrusive at the most difficult time of their lives. Some will be actively distressed by having someone there that they may not want to be there and will resent their presence. The only way to know is for the OP to check with the family first.

I would say definitely not. The family will have far too much on their plate to be fielding questions about their DD's friends. Also, I would be concerned that your daughter may become too emotional at the funeral, and even though it she will have the very best of intentions, I would worry that it might seem like she was drawing undue attention to herself. And given that it seems like a big ask for a child of any age to go to a funeral and not cry, it is probably best if ahe doesn,'t go.

NRFT

but do this. For the bereaved girl knowing her friend came will make her feel supported and means she will have someone to talk to

I lost my dad relatively young (20s). My friends being there at the time meant a lot

One caution: is this situation making your DD anxious about you possibly dying? It’s unusual to lose a parent young so this would be a normal worry

Having said that, for my own brothers funeral when I was a teen my mum’s best friend’s daughter came to support me which was lovely. But we were older.

I attended a few funerals around that age. It was very upsetting and I wasn’t well supported. I don’t think I should have been there.

I only recently in a religious ceremony realised how triggered I am by being in church (other issues to, but a lot of it from grief / funerals).

My brother died when I was a similar age and close friends of my age were there. Even now, many many years later, it is comforting to think they were there. I would talk to the family

My husband died in an accident this summer. I have three children, one which is ten. She wanted one specific friend at the funeral who had previously lost her mother and was very clear she didn’t want any of her other friends to attend because she wanted to keep those two worlds separate. At a time when the children’s world has been turned upside down and they are trying to find things they can control please don’t take your daughter with out checking with the family first.

Unless my daughter was really close to the mum and needed to go for her own well being ,then no I wouldn't take her. It is not necessary. It's for the family to decide how best to support the children ,I'm sure they've spent a lot of time doing so. If you wish to go to show your support then that's enough and you can offer a play date. I wouldn't want my 10 year old to experience this if she doesn't need to.

Well I took my eldest son to the funeral of my childhoods BF’s mum’s funeral. He did know her though, and him and my god-daughter used to call her ‘great Aunt Anne’ as a term of endearment. My other two children didn’t know her well but my friend wouldn’t have minded at all had I taken them. To be honest she was so crushed I doubt she even registered who attended and it’s nice to add to the numbers. I know for my dad’s funeral it was nice to see lots of mourners.

I'd think the child would be supported by family on day of the funeral. Perhaps take your DD to the wake. I'd check with family what they think would be best fir the child

@Keenrower Sadly there have been several parents at my DDs primary that have passed away since we’ve been going. I think my first point would be speak to the school. There is a chance the family have already spoken to them on how best to support the child/children.

After that I would see if any other parents know about the funeral arrangements or even speak to the funeral home as they will know what the family want.

Your DDs best friend may not be in the right headspace to want your dd there or it may be just what she needs, no one can really tell you.

Personally, as long as it wasn’t specifically said no children, I’d take my 10yo dd making sure she understood she’d be with me and only to spend time with her friend if her friend wanted it and after the service.

I'd absolutely take her OP. I don't see why you'd need to ask the family either.

We lost a very close family member very suddenly when my DD was 7 and I "protected" her from everything funeral/death related. With hindsight, this was completely wrong. My DS is 11 and has been to at least six funerals - including those of his grandmother, his great grandmother, two uncles, an aunt and a young cousin who died tragically and very unexpectedly. He's also spent time with the open caskets of all of the above and did a reading at two of the funerals.

I can honestly and genuinely say that he's so much more accepting and less afraid of death than his older sister. She's an adult now and struggles with a mild to moderate phobia of death and some fairly debilitating anxiety. Obviously not all caused by how I handled that death when she was a child but it definitely didn't help.

My only experience is going to the funeral of a friend who died suddenly leaving behind 2 children 13 & 10. When I spoke to his wife she said the 10 year old just wanted to do everything ie school, football as usual. Your daughter’s friend may welcome time with your daughter just to escape a while from the grieving adults and heavily sad atmosphere. But I would message the family first as a courtesy.

I was 10 years old when my mother died.

My two best friends and their parents came to the rosary and the funeral. My father, sister and I were deeply moved as they practiced different religions to our catholic faith.

I remember being overwhelmed with so many grown-ups that it was comforting to have my two friends around. It made me feel less alone.

My mother was ill for over four years and her final days were very hard. I was so desperate to have some sort of normalcy that after the funeral and the reception, it was nice to hang around them and play for a little while and we talked about the tv I had missed out on and happenings with our other friends and the like. I just wanted to be a kid again. Obviously, those four years made me feel like I had a heavy weight and that I wouldn't be a kid anymore but those two friends reminded me that I was still just like them.

I'm 54 years old now and I am still friends with those two beautiful women. I will never forget that they were there for me when I needed them.

It’s not troubling them. Drop a quick text. And if it is ok to take her, make sure she’s prepared.

Yes, this.

What a terrible thing for that mother to say!

This has brought tears to my eyes..
That's so lovely.

He must have been a lovely Coach for the children to have attended like this.

My husband died a few months ago and it hugely helped my 10 year old daughter to have her friends there.

He had been a youth football coach in his spare time and the team came in their kit. My daughter drew pictures and put them up and having so many children turned it from a day I had been dreading into a really beautiful, caring and loving day. Obviously it is different for everyone but all of the children who attended had been a huge part of his life. Both my children have talked since about the support of their friends that day.

Hard one, I went to a friend's funeral at 11 and was absolutely distraught. Stayed with me for a long time.

Depends on how you feel your daughter would cope to be honest. Maybe just go to the wake x

If your child has not seen the family since their mum passed, I don’t think it’s appropriate for the first time to see them would be at the funeral. Your DDs friend will be dealing with a whole lot of emotions that she doesn’t understand and may feel embarrassed to know her friend has seen her in that way and not also know how to react when she sees her when upset

I think it’s more appropriate for you to go to the funeral and maybe go and get your DD and bring her to the wake where things will be less formal and more relaxed if you sense that this will be ok (or even better ask if ok to bring DD over after the service)

Also speak to the family and say that you are always open to having the friend overnight for a sleepover in the coming weeks to give her a change of scenery

Death is really the last Taboo in UK.

It's kept so hidden away - in other Countries it's more 'accepted'.

Why shouldn't children cry at funerals? They are after all very
sad occasions, especially when someone younger dies.

If someone is in their Nineties after a life well lived, it's less traumatising , generally.

Its clear that you feel, you want to help in some way, which is very kind but How does your DD feel? At 10 she's quite young to take on that role.

I think it might be putting a lot of pressure for her to feel she has a role, has to step up and behave in a certain way, as its hard to know what that role is and whether it would be welcomed because grief can be so irrational and contrary. Even when people know its with the best of intentions.

I think it's better that you as an adult can judge how to help the friend, maybe knowing that there will be invites to tea after school in future, and so on would be easier on both than a formal greeting at a such an emotional funeral.

Your DD's friend will still feel supported with a kind message and the knowledge that you will both still be there for her in the longer term.

As to attendance. It really depends on the family and the type of funeral. Some can be welcoming events, some can be very difficult. Also depends on how the bereaved child feels. Perhaps she wants her grief to be private on that day and may not want a school friend there.
It is very difficult to predict how people might feel at that exact time. At a close funeral I remember a distant cousin coming up and chatting to me as we walked to the grave site. He thought he was being really nice and he was but I just wanted to tell him to shut up and go away. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts at that time and felt it was really intrusive, having to be polite when all I wanted was a few moments to think.

So I think The most important thing is that your DD's friend feels she has a kind friend in her radar the day afterwards... and day after that, when all the fuss and attention has died down. Its the long term support that matters. That might be easier for your DD too.