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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to see my own family instead of hosting in-laws when husband not here?

190 replies

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 14:44

Husband is going on a golf trip away with his dad for 5 days. He wants me to have his mum here with me, while he and his dad go golfing. She is not easy going and I won’t be able to relax and go about my life normally. She is not infirm or unable to stay at home on her own - They live in the same village as my husband's sister, who is always on hand anyway.
My family want to come and stay that week and I would like them to. AIBU to want to see my family instead, when he is going golfing with his Dad?
I would really like to know how many people on here host their in-laws when their husband is not there at all. I’ve had them on my own for a week before, when husband wasn’t even in the country, but it takes a lot from me because they are not easy going at all.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 15:11

Nanny0gg · 19/09/2024 15:09

Which is an absolutely normal occurrence

He's doing what he wants

You do what you want

I hope you're not giving in

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I’m not. I need to assert myself a bit more I think, rather than always doing what makes him happy, as sometimes it makes me unhappy.

OP posts:
Harvestfestivalknickers · 19/09/2024 15:11

'Oh but she'll miss you! I think it's best you're here when she visits. Surely you want to be here too?'

Nanny0gg · 19/09/2024 15:10

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 14:51

I think I’ve always done whatever makes him happy, so I am second guessing myself.

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Start putting you first then

Are there consequences if you don't put him first?

Nanny0gg · 19/09/2024 15:10

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 15:01

I did say that, if he had the choice he would prioritise seeing his family, and he said “I got in first, I asked first about my mum staying first”

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He needs to grow up.

This isn't about bagsies

Nanny0gg · 19/09/2024 15:09

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 14:50

My family will stay during the time he is away

Show quote history

Which is an absolutely normal occurrence

He's doing what he wants

You do what you want

I hope you're not giving in

Original poster
BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 15:08

DappledThings · 19/09/2024 15:03

But has he explained why? It's such an odd concept if she's not ill and in need of care.

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He said “it would be nice to see her” but he’s not going to be here..
and she would like to see the kids.
we have just seen them 2 weeks ago.

OP posts:
aperolspritzbasicbitch · 19/09/2024 15:08

No. That's insane, and your husband is being a prick.
If he wants his mum to stay, he can stay home and have her visit whilst you go away for a week.
It's not up to him how you spend your time.

GCAcademic · 19/09/2024 15:06

No way. How bloody dare he try to tell you what you’ll be doing while he’s off on holiday?

thing47 · 19/09/2024 15:05

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 15:01

I did say that, if he had the choice he would prioritise seeing his family, and he said “I got in first, I asked first about my mum staying first”

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This has no relevance whatsoever. He doesn't get a say in what you do when he's away. None at all.

MrSeptember · 19/09/2024 15:05

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 15:01

I did say that, if he had the choice he would prioritise seeing his family, and he said “I got in first, I asked first about my mum staying first”

Show quote history

So you ofte have to subjucate your own wants and needs to him. And, in a situation like this, where it is in NO way a "first come first serve" sort of arrangement, which most of us can see, he thinks because he said first, that's it, you have to do it?

I am starting to sense some deeper issues here frankly.

toomuchfaff · 19/09/2024 15:03

omg someone captured it above, if roles were reversed, would you DH be hosting your dad if you went away with your mum? no he wouldn't. Tell DH to do one, whether it be his guilt surrounding his mum being alone while he's off on a jolly or not, MIL can't come to you as you already have plans to host your own family. dont even say sorry, you're not sorry, you've simply made other plans.

Parker231 · 19/09/2024 15:03

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 15:01

I did say that, if he had the choice he would prioritise seeing his family, and he said “I got in first, I asked first about my mum staying first”

Show quote history

He can arrange for his family to visit when you have a trip away

DappledThings · 19/09/2024 15:03

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 15:01

I did say that, if he had the choice he would prioritise seeing his family, and he said “I got in first, I asked first about my mum staying first”

Show quote history

But has he explained why? It's such an odd concept if she's not ill and in need of care.

Original poster
BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 15:01

MounjaroUser · 19/09/2024 14:58

So would he have your mum to stay if he had a few days on his own?

I did say that, if he had the choice he would prioritise seeing his family, and he said “I got in first, I asked first about my mum staying first”

OP posts:
LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 19/09/2024 15:00

He’s going to be away so what you do during that time isn’t his concern. See your family or whoever you want instead and he can arrange a time for his parents to visit when he’s actually going to be there. Bit of an odd request for him to ask you.

keepforgetting1 · 19/09/2024 14:59

This reply has been deleted

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MounjaroUser · 19/09/2024 14:58

So would he have your mum to stay if he had a few days on his own?

theemmadilemma · 19/09/2024 14:56

Nope. Nope, never, not happening, nope.

Catza · 19/09/2024 14:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Why does it matter? OP is under no obligation to see his or her family. The fact of the matter is that she simply doesn't want to host MIL and wants to host her own parents. How often she sees any of them is not really going to have much of an impact on her willingness to change her plans (or expectations for her to do so).

Notonthestairs · 19/09/2024 14:54

Well, it's ok to prioritise yourself.

If your preferred guests are your family tell him.

I'd be surprised if your MIL wouldn't feel more comfortable in her own home anyway - maybe she's been pressured too.

pizzaHeart · 19/09/2024 14:54

It wouldn’t occurred to me to do this in the slightest. Tell him that you made plans and want to see your family.
The situation @MrSeptember described is normal but yours is very different.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/09/2024 14:54

I think I’ve always done whatever makes him happy

Time to go away for a week-long jolly then. Invite your folks to stay with him. Do no prep work at all.

WhatNoRaisins · 19/09/2024 14:53

I've never heard of anyone doing this. Spend the time with your family and let your DH host his own mother.

Original poster
BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 14:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Every few weeks-they are up north. We are central.
I see my family 4 times a year due to work commitments etc.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 19/09/2024 14:52

The whole idea is utterly bizarre. She doesn't need round the clock care, why is it even a suggestion that she cones to stay? Is she never on her own and scared or something?

DH would only suggest this is MIL was suddenly infirm or something and he was worried about her. But in that case ue wouldn't be off golfing with FIL anyway so it's moot