To want to see my own family instead of hosting in-laws when husband not here?

“I got in first, I asked first about my mum staying first”

That tells you everything - no he wouldn't. Absolutely no way would I have my MIL to stay at the expense of my own family. He can host her. Absolutely no fucking way. Especially as you say she's difficult. No, this is not something you vowed to do on your wedding day was it? I shall have my PITA MIL over to stay every time my DH and FIL go on their jollies.

Next time you go away, get your DH to host your family and see how he likes it. Seriously, bide your time. There's no way he'd consider it I bet.

In fact. Further to my own post. It seems you have dc. So presumably you have a 5 day break away booked in/just had one with your own friends/family whilst he looks solo after the dc then?

"It would be nice to see her"

Umm, not for me & you won't be seeing her.

As for "I got in first".

What's good about him Op?

Op, can you give us a few more examples of where you've gone along with what he wants when it isn't something you want?

Absolutely not, dear god. NO NO NO!

Does he think you’re his staff? He doesn’t get to ‘get in there first’ and dictate how you spend your time. You are not an extension of him, you are not his employee, you’re your own person and just as he is going off on a jolly and doing what he wants, so can you. Or another take would be that he’s actually ‘employing’ his mother to keep an eye on you, which is possibly even worse.

"No it won't, you know your mum is hard work and I won't be able to relax"

My family are already coming.
Your mother has her own life.

"He said “it would be nice to see her” but he’s not going to be here..
and she would like to see the kids.
we have just seen them 2 weeks ago."

This is transparent bollocks.

He or his Dad has been guilt tripped about going golfing and they are looking to you to fix it.
Have your family over.
FIL will have to think of something else.

Enjoy your family visit! Maybe plot a long weekend away with them pre-Christmas sans children and enlist your MIL to come and stay and enjoy quality time with her son and grandchildren. London or Edinburgh are lovely that time of year. See a play or show, eat drink and shop, go to galleries.

Start with hosting YOUR family.

He's not going to like it though. Don't give in to him.

This. I wouldn't have any issue with DH going away with his mates, but he doesn't get any say in what I do while he's not here. Why would he?

And to be fair he wouldn't ask so I think you have the classic MN 'DH problem' here. Why does he think it appropriate to tell, or even suggest, this to you?

"You asked and I'm saying no."
He doesn't get to control your time.
It can feel hard at first to even figure out what you want if you aren't used to it. On this occasion you are clear what you want, so make it happen. You only get one shot at life!

Why can’t his Mum go golfing with them and do her own thing while they are on the course?

Wow. The fact that you have to ask this, and that your husband thinks this is acceptable is very very worrying about your relationship.

OF COURSE you don't have his mum over when he's off with his dad. It is absurd.

To understand how absurd this is, and to highlight the sexism and distortion of equality in your relationship, would your dad come visit and expect to be hosted by him if you went off with your mum on a cruise for a week.

Agreed - this is not normal at all. My DH would not dream of doing this.

Just say no.
You are inviting your family who you get to see less often, and he doesn’t get to bog off on a jolly with his Dad AND be the boss of what you do while he is gone!

‘he asked first’ - how ridiculous, he doesn’t have first dibs on YOUR time.

OP, this really is not a normal expectation.

Aaah, so MIL wants to fill her time by seeing her grandchildren while her DH is away. Obviously, as you want your family to visit, this is a no go. even if you didn't want yoru family to visit, this would only be a sensible option if your MIL is the type to get stuck in, spend lots of time with them, help out and who you genuinely got on with.

Let's be honest - for most of us, no matter how much we love our partners, a few days with them away is bliss! We'd need a really good incentive to get someone else in during tha ttime.

Is he 6? He baggsied it by saying it first?

He is a cheeky fucker. Don’t entertain this, he doesn’t get to dictate this, he’s so far out of line it’s breathtaking.

I think to avoid being bulldozed you need to message or call your MIL directly to let her know DH mentioned her coming round to stay but your family are coming and as she can imagine, you are looking to catching up with them as you don’t see them often, but big thanks for being willing to help out! ♥️

It’s not about who got in first - it’s about what is pleasant for you while he’s away. Get him told!!

It sounds to me like he wants to make sure you're not having too much fun while he's away, so by installing his mum to babysit you won't be able to go wild.

I've been married over 20 years, I absolutely adore my MiL and I've never hosted her while DH has been away.

He can’t assuage his guilt for taking his DF away by dumping his mother on you!
tell him you too are off on a jolly and won’t be home ( then have your mum over)

I can't imagine living in any universe where this arrangement would be suggested by my husband. The idea is laughable.

Does your DH often make decisions for you?

He’s a dick. Can you go and stay with your family rather than them come to you? But leave the day before he leaves so there isn’t an option for MIL to stay with you.

I think this just needs to be a very firm no. And if he pushes, say if he insists this will be the last time you agree to childcare while he is off on a jolly.

You are facilitating his social life-he doesn't get a say what you do to make that happen.

Equally I go away a lot with my friends-but I don't try to control what my husband does with my kids then!