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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to see my own family instead of hosting in-laws when husband not here?

190 replies

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 14:44

Husband is going on a golf trip away with his dad for 5 days. He wants me to have his mum here with me, while he and his dad go golfing. She is not easy going and I won’t be able to relax and go about my life normally. She is not infirm or unable to stay at home on her own - They live in the same village as my husband's sister, who is always on hand anyway.
My family want to come and stay that week and I would like them to. AIBU to want to see my family instead, when he is going golfing with his Dad?
I would really like to know how many people on here host their in-laws when their husband is not there at all. I’ve had them on my own for a week before, when husband wasn’t even in the country, but it takes a lot from me because they are not easy going at all.
Thank you.

OP posts:
manysausages · 19/09/2024 18:57

Blimey there are some stupid, selfish arseholes out there. Him, not you, obvs.

1dayatathyme · 19/09/2024 18:49

HotMummaSummer · 19/09/2024 17:10

I hosted my MIL for a couple of nights a month or 2 ago. My husband went on a sports related trip with his dad and he arranged for her to come.
He arranged it and at first I wasn't sure as I didn't know if it would make my life any easier but MIL is really lovely and helpful and we ended up having a lovely time.
If my family were free to visit during that time I would have prioritized seeing them though!

That's lovely. You are fortunate to have a mil you get on with so well. My dil is like a daughter to me. She knows she can talk to me about anything & she does although I'd never expect her to prioritise me over her own parents and my son wouldn't dream of requesting this.

BlueMum16 · 19/09/2024 18:38

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 17:48

I have said no thanks to you all ❤️

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Keep saying no.

He's a child.

Powderblue1 · 19/09/2024 18:35

That would be a big fat no from me

Mamasperspective · 19/09/2024 18:29

Just tell him that if ever you're hosting his parents, he needs to be present or it doesn't happen. If ever he's hosting your parents, you need to be present or it doesn't happen ... it's unfair for him to expect you will host his mother when you're not there. Of course you're closer to your own family and would rather see them, that's normal.

i would just contact MIL and say sorry but you can't see her that week because you have already made plans.

Cherrysoup · 19/09/2024 18:26

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 15:01

I did say that, if he had the choice he would prioritise seeing his family, and he said “I got in first, I asked first about my mum staying first”

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Jeez, it’s not a competition and you don’t have to host his mother just because he’s going away. Does his mother even want to come?! I’d tell him no and tell him (note, not ask) your family are coming. Why on earth would you want to have your time with him away hosting his not easy to get on with mother? It sounds like very hard work.

Greytulips · 19/09/2024 18:25

glad you said no, I’m surprised your MIL didn’t jump at the chance of some peace herself!!

When my DH goes away I love the bed to myself, tv dinners, see friends etc

He wouldn’t dare invite anyone in his absence!

BecuaseIWantItThatWay · 19/09/2024 18:25

Not a chance OP, not a chance.

I'd tell my DH it's a firm no and if he wants his mum looked after for a week, he can be the one to do it!

Can you imagine a woman telling her husband the same about her own mother?! Imagine the reaction, the guy would just laugh!

lemonstolemonade · 19/09/2024 18:19

Sounds to me as if you are doing your DH a big favour, and he is still take take take. Would he do this for you?

Chenecinquantecinq · 19/09/2024 18:11

I host mother in law in when he is not around yes but normally only for a day/evening. She is difficult and immobile. Not 5 days straight no that is a lot.

Eviebeans · 19/09/2024 18:07

Slinkyminky22 · 19/09/2024 14:45

He's not going to be home, and he doesn't need to arrange or get involved in your plans.

Exactly- he’s made arrangements for how he spends his time he doesn’t get a say in how you spend yours

thepariscrimefiles · 19/09/2024 18:05

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 15:01

I did say that, if he had the choice he would prioritise seeing his family, and he said “I got in first, I asked first about my mum staying first”

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Tell him that it doesn't work like that. You know that there is no way he would have your mum to stay if you weren't there.

EI12 · 19/09/2024 17:59

Sorry, I would be really interested to see all posts - but some are deleted 'for breaking guidelines' - seriously, why????? Surely nobody suggested bumping off in-laws or suchlike - why are comments deleted????? We are not in kindergarten, we can judge for ourselves, fgs!

TomatoSandwiches · 19/09/2024 17:58

He got in first? What is he fucking 12?
No, if he isn't there he gets no bloody say, tell him you've booked a weekend for yourself in Portugal and have invited your mums and dad to yours so he'll have yo host them and let him argue his way put of that.

Your husband is a sexist pig, stop doing things that do not suit you just to keep him happy, you are not hsi service human.

banivani · 19/09/2024 17:53

OP, it sounds like he doesn’t want you to do things without him having some control over them. Like he wants his mother to keep an eye on you. Only you can say if this is a pattern.

Edited to say well done!

Wheresthebeach · 19/09/2024 17:50

Well done OP.
Frankly that's insane. You are not your MIL babysitter. When he's away you do what you want and having difficult family is the last thing you should be doing.

Arlanymor · 19/09/2024 17:50

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/09/2024 14:46

Let's check if this is horrible sexist...

If you went away on a jolly with your dad, would be host your mum for a week? I bet a lot of money he'd think that was weird.

Have your family over.

This!

Original poster
BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 17:48

Shinyandnew1 · 19/09/2024 15:26

He ‘got in first’?! He sounds like a whinging child!

Have you said no, @BrainAddled ?

I wouldn’t entertain this for a second. He doesn’t get to dictate your social life to ease his conscience! Tell him/her that your family are coming to stay because you want them to. If he wants his family to come and stay, he needs to do it when he’s home.

Please don’t do this!

I have said no thanks to you all ❤️

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 19/09/2024 17:47

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 15:01

I did say that, if he had the choice he would prioritise seeing his family, and he said “I got in first, I asked first about my mum staying first”

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He doesn't get to "get in first", it's your time not his. Confused This is a really troubling attitude.

onfiree · 19/09/2024 17:46

He sounds controlling

onfiree · 19/09/2024 17:46

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 15:08

He said “it would be nice to see her” but he’s not going to be here..
and she would like to see the kids.
we have just seen them 2 weeks ago.

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This doesn’t make sense. If he thinks it would be nice to see her, then he should invite her when he’s home to host her. Makes zero sense for it to be nice to see her and he isn’t even present.

aloris · 19/09/2024 17:43

BrainAddled · 19/09/2024 15:01

I did say that, if he had the choice he would prioritise seeing his family, and he said “I got in first, I asked first about my mum staying first”

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His reasoning here is just bizarre. So he asked "first." So what? Or is his reasoning that if you say "no" to his mother staying, then your mother also can't stay, because he "asked first" and feels that if you said no to one, then you have to say no to the other? And why would he not want you to have your mother to stay when you see his parents frequently but only see your own 4 times per year?

I just don't understand any of this and the only explanations that make sense to me suggest that he is somewhat of a toxic person. Is there some complicated backstory?

Zanatdy · 19/09/2024 17:43

No way should you give in. It’s a good opportunity for you to see your family. He’s being incredibly selfish and I’d like to know if he’s ever hosted one of your parents when you’re not there

TheyreStillGoingWithThemPlumsKerr · 19/09/2024 17:41

I think @PenelopePitStrop put it so well:

‘he asked first’ - how ridiculous, he doesn’t have first dibs on YOUR time

1dayatathyme · 19/09/2024 17:37

I agree OP should make it clear she is hosting her own parents although the adverse undertones on this thread regarding the mil who was probably thinking she was doing OP a favour by being around to help etc is beyond me.