Please help I’ve lost all perspective - ASD teenager

Is it all noise? Does she like any white noise? Some people like headphones because of the noise they create(like when you cup your hand over your ear) rather than because they block noise. Not that I could sleep in headphones. I find extractor fans unbearable but having a blowing fan in my room at night sends me straight off to sleep and blocks out other sounds. Sounds tough on you. I hope you find a solution.

Do you have children with autism? It’s not ‘pandering’, it’s recognising that her daughter has sensory issues and triggering this causes meltdowns. No, it’s not fair on everyone else, but ‘consequences’ will not have the effect on an ND child in the same way. It will be a perpetual emotional war.

@MyBrainHurts1 is your daughter under a consultant? My children are primary age but they have melatonin to help them go to sleep. I think there’s some natural remedies available as well, like sleep patches but obviously research such things thoroughly before considering. It’s very difficult for some people with autism (and certainly ADHD) to switch off naturally, it’s not something they can help due to lacking self regulation of the nervous system.

Other things to consider - no screens in bedrooms if possible, but maybe a basic Alexa to play music quietly. I’m nearly 40 and have a radio programme on a timer to help my brain focus on noise outside my own mind to get to sleep. Also (it may sound silly) but is her bed comfortable enough? I put a thick duvet under the bedsheet for my children, and the bedding itself can’t be scratchy. Thick pillow used as well. No ‘big light’, something like sensory or low fairy lights if possible.

Autistic individual here and I’ve been in your daughter’s shoes. My husband still remarks about the fixed sleep routine I had when we met and how that’s completely changed now.

The root of my issues were unhappiness. When I’m unhappy I put strategies in place that make me feel calmer and I cling to those as I desperately need that respite in my day. Since meeting my husband, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and as a result of this I’ve been prescribed medication to regulate my emotions. I’ve also seen an Irlens specalist (not an optometrist) and now have coloured glasses which filter out waves of light that send my brain in to overdrive. I now WFH so don’t have the sensory stresssors from work. I’m also in a loving relation and have an amazing daughter I’m incredibly grateful for. Your daughters at an age where she has little control and school is often like a war zone as it’s sensory hell so it’s unsurprising she is craving calm and stability when she’s at home

Would she take a melatonin gummy, op? My daughter isn’t keen on tablets but we’ve been able, in the past, to access the gummies either online or from relatives living in Europe where you can buy them over the counter. They have the same amount of melatonin as the tablets prescribed by the doctor and they’re made by reputable pharmaceutical companies.

Headphones/loops could make it worse.

Definitely try white noise instead or music that she likes or any noise she enjoys to help remove the focus on house noises.

She's refusing sleep help, you need to ask her what she thinks is the solution. If she's in denial about her diagnosis, why does she think she has problems sleeping and with noise? Finding out what she feels is happening to her might be the best way to come up with a solution to it.

I would get DD to work through the issue with your guidance.

You don't like it when you hear noises when trying to sleep, you find it frustrating, we can't / won't stop talking/ going to toilet etc. So what could you (dd) do to help herself. Get her to think of solutions she could do not what you will do! Expecting silence isn't an option, as can't be done. Work through every rage with this, what can they do to make it easier for them to fall asleep/ stay asleep.

My dd and dp are both autistic though different needs to your dd- dp uses a sports headband earphones and listens to something in the background to help him fall to sleep.

I don’t necessarily have a solution, but just wanted to offer solidarity from a mum who also has an autistic 13 year old daughter (and AuDHD 16 year old daughter!) The addition of hormones into the mix has made things feel quite unbearable at times, and I know how hard it is when you’re constantly dealing with the stress of trying to predict the next blow up moment, and figure out what the boundaries are for behaviours you never imagined having to deal with. Constant adrenaline/ high cortisol levels are tough on our bodies and minds. Hope things get better for you. You sound like a committed, compassionate parent.

There is no way I’d be able to sleep with any sort of headphones / anything on or in my head. I’ve tried lots. (Asd and sensory issues).

I’ve never lived in halls or any sort of shared accommodation, partly because of my issues with sharing with others and noise etc. It’s not an essential part of life!

Exactly this. I have ADHD not autism but I'm very noise sensitive when I'm trying to sleep. I play white noise (so do DC) and this masks other noises in the house. I also had to let go of the anxiety around noise keeping me awake and almost coach my brain into this understanding.

Your daughter will learn to manage this but she needs to understand that her own hypervigilance is contributing to the problem. Honestly, white noise might be the gamechanger! Editing to add we play it on a tablet or an Alexa device.

It WILL get easier Looking back I didn't reliably learn to fall asleep until I was 15!

I think this is really unhelpful. As your daughter has ASD this can't be looked at simply as a child being selfish and making unfair demands. The sound may cause her physical pain. She may not be able to regulate her feelings. It may not be selfish behaviour but something she can't control and I think punishment such as taking away a phone is unreasonable. You wouldn't do that to someone with a visible issue. It's not pandering, she's not being rude, she has a medical condition and she may not be in control of her fight/flight response. Talk together, when the time is right and find a solution that can work for you all, it may take time.

Good advice here, just because someone is nd, they don't get a free pass to make everyone else's life a misery.

As a starting point I think pushing bedtime later than 8 would help somewhat, my dd really needs less sleep, even as a newborn it stood out as a difference, and I really found exercise in the evening helped too, we had a dog so that's a good in, but also she and I did yoga one night and Zumba another, only younger person so she loved that the older ladies praised her.

Offer to try different noise devices but ultimately you may also just have to say no, discipline, asd kids can be told off for bad behaviour. I got given good advice when my dd was 2 (at diagnosis) that I needed to stick to my guns otherwise we would have a very limited life, if you start a pattern they want to stick to it ... I'm not expressing myself well, too early, but you don't have to let her ruin 3 other lives.

For context, my dd is now a young adult and it did improve post puberty rapidly

She might take melatonin if she understood that its not considered medicine in lots of countries, but a supplement? And see if you can get a form that is less medicine like. I know gummies are buyable. I woukdnt recommend buying them as in the uk they are prescribed, but I dont know if GPS can prescribe gummies. You can also explain it just supplements a hormone that your own body makes. If she is comfortable with having asd you can explain a lot of people with asd need a bit extra. If she is upset by her diagnosis, avoid that.

We also had an Alexa and played an audio book. The same one every night for years. I think that it masked odd background noises buy he knew the story so wasn't listening in the true sense.

This is a tricky one because her normal teenage inability to self-regulate is compounding her legitimate sensory needs. So the problem is two-fold. Sounds like you already did everything you could to mitigate sensory needs but, perhaps, you are not doing enough in terms of teaching her to self-regulate. She needs to learn self-soothing strategies and get some help with sleep. Things like yoga, meditation, breathing exercises could help in the moments when she feels herself getting upset. And she needs to meet you halfway in terms of using earplugs - there are so many options that it could be just a matter of trying a few. But have this conversation when the moment is right, not when she is in the middle of a strop.
It's tricky and some things are very difficult to overcome. I have extreme sensitivity to light which pretty much means my house only has dimmable lights and my partner "is not allowed" to turn top lights on in a bedroom. I also have reasonable adjustments at work meaning the estate actually removed top lights over my desk. Before they did that, my colleagues very kindly didn't use top lights in the office (which, technically, why would you anyway during the day). It's not really anything I can solve even if my parents threaten to remove my phone and privileges.

Medication, is it became won't swallow pills? This is solvable if it's a capsule, cut it open and put content on food. It's how my teen takes her adhd medication

I think if she is refusing help then there is nothing wrong with explaining to her the impact that her actions are having on others. Sit her down and calmly discuss it and then ask her to help come up with a plan to allow everyone to relax and get the best sleep possible

You could try framing it as the melatonin is something that her body should be making naturally- many people with autism just don’t make it in the right amounts, so it’s more like a supplement than a medication. Worth a try.

This.

I have a son aged 12 with asd and I have asd myself. We are both exactly the same. I have to go to bed an hour before my dh to get into a deep enough sleep so that he doesn’t wake me up when he comes to bed. I’ve always been like your dd and cannot stand any kind of noise / light when I go to bed. This meant I stayed up very late as a teen as I waited until the house was quiet before I could sleep.

Melatonin does really help my son, he’s been on it since 3 - he’s got a diagnosed sleep disorder and gets melatonin prescribed via the paediatrician (his autism is quite severe and he attends a complex needs school).

I don’t really know what the answer is but a lot of the replies show a complete lack of understanding of autism.

Is she still under an peadiatric care? If so I would talk to them about trialing melatonin and a referal to a sleep specialist if available in your area.

My autistic teen is prescribed melatonin. Can you ask for a referral to paediatrician?

Mine is 15 and it gets better but you do have to push through the demands. Galaxy projector was a good buy as it makes an ambient noise which got her used to noise but covered up other house noises.

As mum of Child with similar needs, you cannot live like this

When parenting a young adult/teen with SN, it is very important you do not constantly override your OWN boundaries to try and help her

So you can accommodate to a certain level but you have gone way way too far already

Be kind about helping find head phones or ear plugs

But do not stop living your own life

You cannot fix the world for your child, you have to instead help your child to live in the world how it is. A world that has noises and other people in it

Also, does she realise that while she is asleep there will be lots of noises going on - coming from outside, or the normal house creaks etc? That might help psychologically. The presence of noise doesn't equal the impossibility of sleep.

Asd 14 dd here and sleep did use to be tricky. She also has the bedroom away from all the noisy areas . Which also happens to be the biggest room .
But a few years ago we put an alexa in her room and brought lots of audio books . So long as its on when she goes to bed she falls asleep.
I agree with others that being completely silent isn't practical and she does need to adjust to some noise . Otherwise as an adult she won't cope at all .

Mine wears Noise Cancelling headphones. They are expensive and bulky though, but you can't live like that.