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Original poster

AIBU colleague leaving do

140 replies

Roundandroundd · 18/09/2024 23:44

Fully expect to be told I am, but hoping I'm not.

A colleague whom has been with us a long time, is leaving, and they've told me they'd love a leaving do, nothing much, would be a couple of hours and the usual kind of thing (nothing out there, not activities etc) - but they didn't think anyone will come due to being 'busy' etc.

The colleague has at some point, helped us all with training etc.

I sent out a message to try arrange a small thing for them leaving, as well as a leaving gift if people wanted to contribute, and made clear date and time was flexible to suit. Not one person replied. So, I then made a suggestion of an actual date, and, to avoid being outed, I'll just say it's not much better. Most of the team has just not replied, about either the gift or the leaving 'do'.

AIBU to think this is really unpleasant? I get not everyone likes these things, a lot would prefer to stay at home, or are busy, but when a member of staff on a small close-knit team who has been there for a long time is leaving, you should make the effort to attend, for them? It's up to others what they do of course, but I'm also looking at the lack of effort to even respond and thinking it's just really rude behaviour?

I feel really sad for colleague, as it's becoming obvious there's not going to be a do, and probably no small gift either (I will still get them one regardless). I also feel sad no one can even be bothered really responding about it. AIBU for this, and if so, please talk me down - because I feel I might end up calling this out, it takes 2 seconds to say ' I'm sorry, I can't'.

OP posts:
adriftinadenofvipers · 19/09/2024 01:20

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 19/09/2024 01:11

Whilst I agree with the majority of this I don't think you should visit people at their desks for donations. It adds extra pressure. They've not responded so obviously don't want to contribute whether that's because they don't want to or they can't spare the cash and it's not fair to undermine that by asking again in person. However I'm also a believer that leaving presents should be bought by management or the business itself and not by other staff.

Show quote history

Order in pizza or posh sandwiches for lunch - but to do that either everyone has to contribute their share, or manager has to fund it.

I think it's awful that a long-term member of staff isn't being recognised in some way but tbh that's the way it's been going since Covid.

I actually hate a leaving do for me anyway! When I worked in London about 100 years ago, the tradition was to arrange your own leaving do. I wasn't used to that, so didn't, but I was very touched that some of the managers took it upon themselves to organise a do on a riverboat, quite a few colleagues came and I was plyed with champagne all night (hence I don't really remember which colleagues did come lol!)

Ponoka7 · 19/09/2024 01:18

Management should definitely be doing something, even if it's just a Costco cake. Start with Management.

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 19/09/2024 01:11

icantfindmyphone · 19/09/2024 00:09

Make it a gathering at work rather than an evening out . People have different priorities in the way they want to spend their time and money. For a collection, I would take the time to visit people at their desks to ask for donations and obviously tap the bosses up for a significant portion.
Lunch gathering in a meeting room , or 4pm at said person's desk . I agree it's a bit shit, and it used to be that people wanted to go out, but money is tight now

Whilst I agree with the majority of this I don't think you should visit people at their desks for donations. It adds extra pressure. They've not responded so obviously don't want to contribute whether that's because they don't want to or they can't spare the cash and it's not fair to undermine that by asking again in person. However I'm also a believer that leaving presents should be bought by management or the business itself and not by other staff.

EBearhug · 19/09/2024 01:00

I always said I'd have a big party when I left, so i arranged my own leaving do - well, dos - when I left last year. One at home, a lunch then dinner with one European office, and lunch with a different European office, then back home and another one there for those who couldn't make it the first time.

I wonder if it would help if she had tried o organise it herself? Still rubbish of the team though. They could at least respond with, "sorry, carn't make it."

Don't know what your workplace is like, but my former manager was apparently told off by HR for organising a collection - no soliciting of funds allowed. They still managed it somehow.

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 19/09/2024 00:57

Send out one of those e-cards for people to sign. One that collects money and puts it towards a JL gift card or similar.

HeddaGarbled · 19/09/2024 00:50

This is on the manager. If the manager is dismissive that permeates down to the team. I would be brave and tell the manager they need to make themselves available for a gift presentation with drinks and snacks at a time of their choice. Then go round desk to desk for the gift collection and card-signing.

Original poster
Roundandroundd · 19/09/2024 00:45

icantfindmyphone · 19/09/2024 00:09

Make it a gathering at work rather than an evening out . People have different priorities in the way they want to spend their time and money. For a collection, I would take the time to visit people at their desks to ask for donations and obviously tap the bosses up for a significant portion.
Lunch gathering in a meeting room , or 4pm at said person's desk . I agree it's a bit shit, and it used to be that people wanted to go out, but money is tight now

This is a great idea, thank you for this. We won't all be in together, but I think something in work could be a lovely idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roundandroundd · 19/09/2024 00:42

To answer some questions. I'm not the manager (they very likely won't arrange anything). I'm concerned I guess that me trying to arrange it is maybe being seen as a bit overbearing - I'm only doing it though as it genuinely seems no one else will, the person is leaving very soon and there's been no mention at all, at least not to me, of either a leaving thing or a gift.

Usually I guess it'd be on the person going, to arrange their leaving do - but whilst telling me they'd love one, they seemed very deflated telling me 'but I don't think anyone would come, everyone's busy' (which I think was a nice way of putting it tbh, if that makes sense). So it comes across they don't want to bother asking people because they figure they probably won't show. I'm not sure I'd want to arrange my own leaving do either if I believed no one would show - seems colleague was right!

The person has been there almost the longest of any of us.

I'm not particularly close with colleague either, genuinely just believe a little send off, particularly if it's clear it'd be appreciated, is a nice thing to do.

We don't WFH, we're never all on the same shift together though. We don't really go out together.

OP posts:
Aavalon57 · 19/09/2024 00:20

Your colleagues' lack of response is terrible! How long has the person been there? Are you the manager?

icantfindmyphone · 19/09/2024 00:09

Make it a gathering at work rather than an evening out . People have different priorities in the way they want to spend their time and money. For a collection, I would take the time to visit people at their desks to ask for donations and obviously tap the bosses up for a significant portion.
Lunch gathering in a meeting room , or 4pm at said person's desk . I agree it's a bit shit, and it used to be that people wanted to go out, but money is tight now

lanthanum · 19/09/2024 00:03

Are you talking an evening do (which many people might not be able to do easily for any number of reasons), or something tacked onto the work day? You might get a better response for "drinks for 45 minutes after work" (unless you have lots who have to rush off to collect kids from childcare) or "lunch at the pub".

DoYouReally · 18/09/2024 23:59

I think it's rude to not reply even to say they won't attend or can't make it.

I usually go to things like this if I can because it's a nice thing to do but I think a lot of people have become more insular since covid and don't bother making an effort anymore.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 18/09/2024 23:58

What are your colleagues like? Are they the going out types? Do you go out as a team often?

Todaysbetterthanyesterday · 18/09/2024 23:52

Do people generally work from home? Perhaps they can’t be arsed to come in.
Maybe others don’t have the same view of the person leaving as you. Maybe leaving person is an arse.

SkaneTos · 18/09/2024 23:50

Is there a tradition at your work place to have a leaving do?

Can you write it like an invitation to the team:
I am arranging a leaving do for Colleague X, it will be on date Y, and you are all invited!, or something like that.
Perhaps they are afraid that they will have to arrange it.

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