AIBU colleague leaving do

OP what is usual at your workplace when someone leaves? What’s happened in the past?

Send an e card for signing and a collection.
Leaving do- it seems odd if you don't do drinks normally and don't see each other because you are on shifts - maybe organise some cakes in the office and then say you are going for drinks after. I would speak directly to a couple of people so that you have a small number of definites
Managers don't organise these in our place - as it would feel compulsory- but they should take lead in signing card and contributing and going for at least one drink

Absolutely don't do that!!! Don't visit peoples desks asking for donations. That's one way to get pulled up by management. No one should feel pressured into donating. You don't know peoples own financial position.

No problem sending a generic email saying donations welcome, but to all and not naming anyone.

Are your colleagues friendly outside of work? Do they have occasional drinks after work or lunches together? Is the leaving colleague joining in usually?
I can be odd when a leaving do / card is organised for someone who doesn’t usually take part in the office social life. Why do I want to spend money/time because someone I never talk to is changing companies? - it is a big event for them but not for me IYSWIM.

You could do a little send off in the staff room, put some sandwiches and nibbles on and cakes maybe - people will turn up for that because they love free food.

I would speak to the manager and ask them to pitch in

Absolutely make it in work time. Work nights out are not most people's priority. Have a nice little 'fiddle's card and some flowers.

There no bigger fish to fry in life than human connections. And the consequences of this attitude is manifesting itself in all areas of life.
OP is becoming a rariety in that they care about someone else without any obvious upside for themselves. And the cool stand off management style is rubbish too.
I don't know how we reverse this but it is another disconnect that is increasingly isolating us from each other.
Good on OP for at least trying.

I always noticed at my last place that certain people got made a huge fuss of for their every life event, while others got ignored. Quite often the former were those who maintained a high profile and gave the impression of doing loads, whereas those who beveared away in the background d supporting others were the ones who got ignored.

I’ve had something similar happen twice on teams I’ve managed and both times it’s been because the person wasn’t very popular.

The fact the colleague said she didn’t think anyone would attend a leaving do for her may be a sign she knows she isn’t popular and by trying to arrange this and failing, you may not be doing her a kindness (if she knows you are doing it).

People should reply.
They are totally within reason to reply 'no'.

I'm surprised it took this long for a joyless and misery inducing post like this to appear.

Wanting to say goodbye to your colleagues (or in my case it would be workmates) is not being needy for goodness sake.

Some people actually like and get on with their team and even socialise with them outside of work.

OP:

"I asked colleague were they having a leaving do/did they want one - they responded they'd love one, but didn't think anyone would come as everyone's busy. There was no mention of one, until I asked. "

Thats not what your opening post said.

"A colleague whom has been with us a long time, is leaving, and they've told me they'd love a leaving do"

No assumptions made by me. Only based my response off of what you wrote. You made no mention that YOU asked THEM if THEY wanted a leaving do in your opening post/remarks.....🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Big difference when you have asked, vs what your opening post said, which signifies it was your colleague that wanted a leaving do.

Anyway, its still grabby and needy. Whatever.

Good luck to your colleague in whatever their new path provides.

OP, you say that the leaving colleague has been there longer than most of you, so therefore he/she must've seen other colleagues come and go. What usually happens when others have left your Company? Do they all receive a leaving do or at least a card or small gift for example?

And If yes to to my last question, does your colleague also willingly contribute to other people's leaving gifts etc?
If they do then YANBU to feei that your colleague should also be thought of and be given the same sort of send off.

If however your colleague never bothers when it comes to whip rounds for other leavers (or for other people's special occasions, such as a wedding or a new baby), then YABU to expect everyone to chip in for him/her.

I agree with PP's suggestions of an e-card, and a cake at the desk and a little leaving speech from manager. As there is no money forthcoming for a gift, this at least marks the leaving.

Disagree about some comments about the manager role. The manager absolutely should be making sure something is in place to mark the leaving other than just a 1-1. They should either delegate it, or if that isn't possible, do it themselves. It takes very little time to set up an e-card, buy a cake and set up a quick gathering to say a nice thank you speech. That is part of a 'respectful culture'. Culture doesn't just form itself, managers should take a lead and not just expect employees to pick up their slack on it.

It’s a culture thing. I think it’s sad, but your colleague evidently had the measure of the place when she said she didn’t think anyone would come.

@saltinesandcoffeecups it is down to the manager to set the cultural tone, and paying attention to these sorts of ‘rituals’ is an important part of team and organisational cohesion. Yes, part of your job is being a sort of ‘social director’, and if you don’t have the skills then you need to find someone on the team who does.

This is a lesson learned. I have just learnt it myself.

I tried to organise a gift for someone going on maternity. Out of about 20 people 6 gave to the collection. The rest didnt reply to 3 emails. Even the woman's boss and our big boss never replied or contributed. Tight bastards. Never again.

You are wonderful, and your poor colleague. I agree completely that your other colleagues are behaving really poorly. That said, I do think you need to speak to them not just message. It may be that some of them are just assuming it's all happening and planning to attend even though they haven't bothered to respond.

You day a few people have responded - could you arrange for at least those few people and you to do something with the leaving colleague? So instead of "the whole team is getting together for your leaving do" it's "Mary and Fred and Sue and I want to go out after a shift in your last drink to say goodbye".

Also, everywhere I have ever worked (office based job so possibly different to your environment) one of the support staff buys one of those A4 size Sorry you are Leaving cards, writes everyone's name on a price of paper clipped to the outside, and makes sure it is circulates around everyone - idea is that you sign it, pop some cash into the envelope for the gift (no one knows what anyone puts in so no embarrassment about people putting in different amounts or being pressured to pay more than you can afford), cross your name off and pass it to the next person. Could you do something like that? Everyone will at least sign a card, surely?

I think @saltinesandcoffeecups is right in her approach - the key thing for the company is consistency between how people are treated. As the OP has discovered, organising leaving do’s is a massive time suck and there will likely be big discrepancies over who people will show up for. By taking them out for lunch herself Saltines is making sure they all get the same acknowledgement and if they want to arrange something else then that’s not a company thing, It’s also v common for the manager to buy a round and disappear- reason being that staff might find it hard to genuinely relax if their boss is there. Companies are also increasingly reluctant to organise work drinks as a work occasion due to potential fall out from behaviour.

Honestly though, I’m not sure I’d go to many leaving drinks now. They were fun when I was in my twenties/ early thirties and child free and didn’t have anything else on but now I’ve got dc to shuttle to places most nights. It would just feel like an obligation.

I think cake by desk during work hours is best bet.

This is perfect. I used to decline evenings for drinks for genuine reasons e.g couldn't afford it/ had to collect children from nursery/too tired after working 40 hour week etc. My last job used to book a room at work, and people brought in cakes and juice to say farewell. It was lovely. If the leaver asks, why didn't you arrange drinks out? Just explain that it was too difficult arranging a time/date to suit everyone. Also email everyone asking if they want to sign the leavers card, it's a pound to contribute. If they give a pound, they sign the card. We used to get more people willing to contribute, when we only asked for a pound. Quite a few stuck in notes too. Send a reminder the day before the collection closes e.g. if you want to sign the leaving card, tomorrow is the last day to do it. Seemed to work well at the last place I worked.

They’re just rude. Wouldn’t want to work there.

Just arrange an e-card that everyone can sign remotely and write in good wishes, don't ask for money.

People aren't replying because they don't want to come, but feel awkward being put on the spot.

At my work, these collections and 'do's are endless and add up, particularly if you a lower earner and struggling. Many have made the decision that they don't go to work to spend money. As long as they don't expect it when they leave, that's fair enough IMO.

It's a kind thought but it sounds like your colleague had the lay of the land with their initial comment.

So why doesnt this wanting-a-leaving-do-grabby-human organise it themselves?

Not unheard of for leavers to organise drinks down the pub etc.

As for the tenner in a card, may not be much to you, but a tenner is a lot of money to piss away for someone who is leaving given financial pressures of this day and age.

Perhaps the OP should contact you to organise proceedings and also pay for it?

Unless of course, pot, kettle and all that....