AIBU colleague leaving do

OP I think you’ve offered to do a lovely thing and for whatever reasons your colleagues can’t/wont engage in it. I think at this stage I would just be honest with your colleague who is leaving and say that because of everyone’s commitments (no reason not to soften the blow) you’ve been unable to arrange anything. How about the two of you go out for a little lunch and you could give her your present instead?

Unfortunately it’s impossible to get people to engage if they don’t want to. It was a lovely thought but i think based on what you’ve said it isn’t going to happen so (gentle) honesty really is the best policy. If you’ve bought them a little present I’m sure it will be really appreciated.

This.

I'd only go to an out of work hours thing where I had to pay out of my own money if it was someone I genuinely liked.

I would not want to spend my own money and free time on a colleague I had no relationship with or didn't particularly like.

Is this colleague well liked? Definitely do something in work hours - card and short speech at their desk, and a cake.

But we don't know if the leaving colleague has happily contributed themselves towards cards or gifts for other previous leavers.

I asked the OP if the colleague has, but they've not answered as yet.

I haven't been to leaving drinks in years due to childcare commitments &/or it being a pain to get to.

I have been to leaving lunches though - could this be a compromise?
Separate to the above there would be a presentation in the office, from a senior member of staff, of appreciation to the person leaving.

A lot of this depends on location of your office. I work on an industrial estate so we have to drive to get there

I used to always be the one to organise stuff like this and I would email everyone, rarely get a full response and having warned them, I would then go around with my collection bucket. If there was no wish for an external leaving do, I would just organise a 15 minute "goodbye" session in the office, and present the present and the card which I had sent around for signing.

Since lockdown and the vast change in peoples working habits, I have seen a vast change in peoples willingness to do stuff like this. Where there are groups that have socialised for a long time, its usually not a big pain but as more and more people join a team that work remotely, their desire to come into the office wains. Its a shame,

Not answering from close colleagues I find not acceptable.

If it's really small and close knit then I understand it.

I work in a number of huge teams with high turnover and often when I get an 'x is leaving' email I don't actually know who they are from Adam so in those cases I will admit I don't reply.

YANBU

They sound miserable! How poor for your colleague that is leaving

I think leaving dos are a bit dated to be honest. That person is choosing to leave. It has nothing to do with their colleagues.

If they've built up strong relationships with colleagues then no doubt they'll endure but honestly you shouldn't expect people to attend something if they really are just neutral about the person.

Changing jobs is so commonplace it's really doesn't warrant a celebration.

It's tough.

I had to do a leaving collecting for a bloke who did permanent nights and had been on the sick for ages, half the staff didn't know him and the other half couldn't stand him.

It took me weeks of pestering to get £100.

Your post made me think of the Sir Patrick Stewart, Yorkshire Tea Tina’s Leaving Do ad. Senior leaders have an important part to play in setting the culture. My previous director always made a point of celebrating these important rights of passage and set the tone from the top. It would be a three line whip to attend.

It's the not even bothering to say 'No thanks ' that would bug me. At least you know for the future not to attempt anything for other team members.

I agree with earlier suggestion to make it a work time gathering. At my place we usually have a lunch in our communal lunch room with either pizza deliveries (chipped in by staff) or/and food contributions from staff.

As much as we may like/respect colleagues, giving up our 'free time' to spend with them and other colleagues (who we may NOT like!) can be a bit much for some people.

Staff at our place usually do contribute a small amount to collections (some senior staff can be very generous also), and there is no problem bringing round a big envelope with leaving card inside and leaving it with staff asking them to sign card and make whatever contribution they want then pass it on to 'so and so', so you're not standing over them watching what they do/don't put in collection. It's easy to ignore an email, but when someone brings card to you then you can't ignore it.

In my opinion you really shouldn't do collections for leaving gifts. It creates so much potential for upset - people feeling pressured to spend their money on a colleague, people getting sad if they get a smaller gift. Ideally there should be a small, standard budget so everyone gets a same value gift for specific occasions and it comes from the company - which chose to have a working relationship with the person, whereas colleagues didn't - and if people have close friendships outside work they get an extra gift outside work. In situations where it's not possible (eg public sector where you can't spend money that way), the manager should ensure it's equal - eg by buying a card for each person and arranging after work drinks, and preferably setting up a culture where you build teams where at least a few people would want to attend. It sucks that your company doesn't do this!
Same for leaving do, it should be standard or otherwise up to the individual to arrange.

People don't want to. There are loads of reasons why they don't want to or can't and some of them will be about the place that you work. It's sad for the leaver but it's fair that they are responding to their environment.
Do not personally hassle people for donations.
Maybe make a request from management for a small social budget to be shared equally between equivalent occasions - eg every time someone leaves there can be a cake in the office in the last hour or a lunchtime. Don't put it on individuals that they suddenly have to find time and money for something that hasn't happened before, maybe they have had significant life events ignored or seen their best friend leave unremarked and they don't see why they suddenly have to dance to this tune.

When I worked full time, I can honestly say that most people resented doing anything that involved infiltrating their own time, ie after work, evenings. This was long before covid. Interestingly, the men seemed more willing (and able, time wise) to go. Fast forward to today, and absolutely nobody I know, wants to go out in the evening. Daytime yes; evenings, absolutely no.

We email the team to say there’s a collection for someone and where it is (usually hidden in a draw or with someone).

the person’s friend organises it and brings the collection round coz people forget etc. it’s not offensive to bring it round. We don’t have purses on us so nice to be reminded.

then normally the person leaving brings some cakes in on their last day, maybe pops to the local place for lunch eg pub and it’s open invite.

id go to your team and ask if they want to put in. When you’re not in ask someone else to do it or just do it over a few shifts. I don’t take radio silence as a no because I often forget from an email so am glad of reminders.

Wevrareky have leaving dos. If we do, it's a lunchtime thing. I arrange all the leaving collections and have to spend a lot of time nagging people!

"Examples are set by leaders"

Yes they are, just because someone has 'manager' in their job title doesn't make them a leader. The senior person is just showing how highly they think of the entire team.

I have been to 3 leaving dos (plus another one next month) in the space of a couple of months as colleagues have left or decided to retire early due to the horrible store manager who has made our lives a misery.

I am also leaving for multiple reasons in just under a fortnight's time but on annual leave for 2 weeks after that. The new store manager who has been there since May has made me cry so much - I am number 10 to leave because of him. There have been a couple of students that left - they were expected as going to uni and transferred to a store closer to uni.

My colleagues, current and former get on so well and we have a laugh. Need to arrange my do - get dates that we can do together. Ones that can't go I will arrange to have an afternoon tea somewhere just with 3 or 4 of us.

I am selective about which leaving events/dos I attend, and almost never do any other socialising outside of work time with my colleagues, helpful, professional and pleasant that they are.

That said, I politely decline invitations, wish the person well, and do so in good time. No reason not to.

In my case given my rare attendance, when I retire I don't want a leaving do, in a way it would be wrong to ask for or expect one. My way of thanking the good colleagues will be to ensure as much as I can, whoever takes my job has as much information as possible so they can succeed.

Invite work colleagues to cake & drinks at their desk at lunchtime ?

That’s disappointing.

Since adulthood I’ve left four jobs and have had lovely “send offs”, even in a role where I was only seconded for 6mths I was taken for lunch and presented with a bouquet of flowers.

as others have said make it a day time event - either a lunch, or if that’s not the company culture, cake round the coffee machine.

Because I’ve always been treated well by my leaders, I’ve tried to infuse my own leadership with the same generosity of spirit and thoughtfulness. Could you have a word with this persons manager and ask what the plan is. I think leaders are as responsible for ensuring an appropriate off boarding as on boarding

Exactly

I think it depends when you're having the 'do'. We always had leaving dos within work hours. If it's after hours, people might not have the availability or will after a full day of work.