AIBU colleague leaving do

I never said or implied people were disposable to me. Work ones, absolutely they fucking are. I'm paid to work, not make friends or cry at them leaving.

I'm not surprised you don't get on with your work colleagues @HelplessSoul

One of DH's old workmates is DD's godfather.
I'm still in touch with friends that I made from work 40 years ago.

What is it with some people who think that you can't be friends with people you work with? Not everyone lives near people they went to school or university with or near family. How else do you get to meet people unless you do it online?

A few weeks ago 8 of us from work enjoyed a lovely social time together one Saturday afternoon taking in some cocktail bars. We had a great time.

I find this attitude shocking to hear honest. You pestered people for weeks? To give to a collection to someone they either didn't know or didn't like? That's an awful attitude and I'm surprised at least one person didn't tell you where to go and I'm surprised management thought pestering people for their money was acceptable.

Its attitudes like this that cause people to hate workplace collections. They are entirely optional. A generic email to all staff is enough.

I agree this is rubbish but everywhere I’ve worked people have arranged their own leaving do by sending round an email saying “I’ll be going for leaving drinks at x venue if you want to join”. And making sure at least one other person is definitely going to be there. As you’ve already got yourself involved in this why don’t you just do the same. You and leaving person plan to go somewhere for a drink after work, extend the invite to the rest of the team but even if it’s just the two of you, have a lovely evening. Take a card round for everyone to sign with the option to contribute to a gift. Job done.

Its awful isnt it?

I got asked to arrange a leaving do for a colleague several months ago. I sent the invite to around 25 people from our offices (but was only given a week to arrange it!)

The boss said he would show, but didnt. Hardly anyone replied. I couldn't stay out for too long either as I had the child to put to bed. It was only me and 2 others, and one of those 2 others only arrived as I was leaving.

She was clearly a bit upset but there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

She was given a gift card of £100 and was allowed to keep her laptop though as a parting gift, that was less than a year old.

I dont think I would arrange a work leaving do again. And I dont think I would have one myself. I think I would have a lunch in the office with a few that I am closest too, then maybe invite my boss out for a dinner.

I don’t see how it’s a manager’s position to organise a donation collection or any event after work hours - that comes from close work friends or it doesn’t surely? Otherwise, I’d just expect leadership to call a quick impromptu meeting to say a few words on her last day, maybe hand her a best wishes card or something. Moving jobs is hardly a big deal and frankly I can’t stand the birthday brigade who seem intent on collecting donations from everyone in the building every single time there’s a birthday (every week at least one). It’s ridiculous, costly if you keep up with it and pointless. I do not want a forced birthday card from colleagues.

"People may he disposable to you, to me they are not."

Way to project @theleafandnotthetree .

I never said or implied people were disposable to me. Work ones, absolutely they fucking are. I'm paid to work, not make friends or cry at them leaving.

I have enough friends to cry over. Ditto family.

Everyone is different - shame you cant see that amidst your self absorbing diatribe/tears/whatever....

Again, is it not possible to get emotional about a range of things? I don't have a store of tears that I have to save for the death of a parent. I have had lots of things happen to me that were much worse than my colleagues leaving (obviously) but that doesn't mean I am indifferent to them leaving. I find your attitude perplexing and cold and yes, kind of horrible. Especially the fuck them off bit. People may he disposable to you, to me they are not.

Whenever I have left a place of work the manager has alwyas taken the lead and done a little presentation to say goodbye. To me it is normal to do so.

Could you approach the appropriate manager(s) with the question "what's arranged for X's leaving day/do" - if the answer is the expected 'nothing' at least you could then push them to ordering a big cake and a tray of nibbles for the person's last day.

I'm horrible?

Thanks.

Still, at least I dont shed tears for people when they leave my place of work.

I can cry over more important things - like say, perhaps, when I lost a parent to cancer earlier this year.

JFC. Some people.

Yes you spend "most of your waking hours in a job". And this is exactly why I choose not to use any of my limited and very precious free time on work related gatherings.

I do however think it's rude that few have even replied to the OP, and I will happily contribute to a collection for a gift and card.

But I absolutely will not give up my time when I already spend 8 hours a day at work. And I wouldn't expect colleagues to do it for me either.

Thinking about it, in all the companies I have worked for the dynamic was: person leaving sends an invite for leaving drinks (they reserve a space in a local pub and put some money on a tab for 1-2 rounds of drinks. Following up on the email, a close colleague will send a second email to organise card/collection.

Maybe they haven’t replied because they haven’t seen the email? Or they read it and meant to reply but forgot?

I don’t get why OP and other people on her are getting wound up about not getting a reply - just accept they don’t want to go/contribute and move on.

They don't have to go, nor donate. But having been asked, it would be polite to at least say, "thanks for asking, unfortunately I'm not available /I can't donate currently," or at least respond in some way. No response at all makes them the rude ones.

OP - you have asked your colleagues and they don’t want to go or donate any money. You may not like it but that’s how it is.

Stop pushing it or trying to make people do something they don’t want to.

If you want to give a gift then go ahead

So what if someone is leaving?....you sound pretty horrible. I have shed tears on colleagues last days because I developed friendships with them, worked together with a shared purpose, knew I would really miss them (and did). I have very good and deep relationships with my children, family and friends but I also have the ability to really care about colleagues and they about me. In fact because I live away from immediate family and mu oldest friends, they probably know far more about my daily life than others I am in theory much closer to. I can't understand this either or perspective or the idea that if you are friends with work colleagues it is somehow taking something away from this other 'real' arena of relationships. They are all a jumble as far as I'm concerned. Two of my very closest friends I met through work though we have long since stopped being colleagues. I click with people or I don't and I don't artificially divide them into categories. And no, you don't have to he besties with everyone at work but you should play your part on making it a collegial and welcoming place where at all possible.

I'm a manager of a large team. Huge part of the job is managing people so it is important to create and maintain a supportive culture that recognises life events such as big birthdays, bereavements, leaving do's etc. It is a bit like being a social director!

I have all my team's birthdays in my calendar and wish them a happy birthday. Big birthdays are celebrated with a gift that most folk contribute to. I have a few on the team who love planning and gift buying so ask for volunteers first, if I don't get interest I do it myself.

I don't expect my team to contribute towards everything, small gifts to say 'sorry for your loss' or 'get well soon' I send myself and sign off 'from fucket and the team' (or similar)

Gosh, there are some joyless souls on here. When DD left university and stayed in her university city to work she made friends with her workmates because she didn't know anyone else.

Some mumsnetters seem to be unable to imagine that not everyone lives close to the friends they grew up with or were at university with and don't live near family.
DD would have been pretty lonely if she didn't socialise with her workmates now and again.

Some people actually like and get on with their team and even socialise with them outside of work.

Some of us socialise outside of work, even after we've left.

Most people have a life outside of work to have those human connections.

And sure, many will have them in work too.

But the priority will always be those outside of work - close friends/family.

Work is a means to an end. So what if someone is leaving? Good luck to them / fuck em off, depending on your world view.

Thanks, you got what I was getting at. I swear I’m not Scrooge, I just have witnessed managers trying to do too much in this area and never ends well.

@Roundandroundd Either the team organizes something like this or they don’t. If they don’t it’s not the managers job to force it. Because it would be forced if a manger sent around emails ‘encouraging’ participation because there is a power differential in a manager/employee relationship.

I’m not defensive of anything. Just sharing a perspective that some won’t have if they’ve never been a people manager. I really do hope you can rally the team to send off your colleague.

I find this very sad, when they have been there for the longest amount of time yet colleagues don’t respect them enough to have a few goodbye drinks together or chip in for a gift.

I’d personally take them for a drink myself and get them a gift, you have now seen everyone else’s true colours. Selfish gits.

I've had to go right back and remind myself what the OP's 'AIBU' was!

AIBU for this [feeling sad], and if so, please talk me down - because I feel I might end up calling this out, it takes 2 seconds to say ' I'm sorry, I can't'.

What would your 'calling this out' look like, OP?

I have to say - I really do think that management need to organise some sort of 'goodbye' for a long term employee - and perhaps that is cake and a card in the office at 2pm one afternoon? If nothing else. You can't let this poor person slip out without a goodbye.

People will come on here and say why should anyone bother if its after work - jesus christ this is what is wrong with society

You spend most of your waking hours in a job and people give so little consideration for your feelings they can't even be bothered to TALK ABOUT how to say goodbye to you

ITs f-ing outrageous and a sign of the sad times we live in where people are so atomised - one hour or so after work to make someone feel appreciated.

At this point I would go to someone senior and be absolutely clear that it is not acceptable someone leaving with no thank you or goodbye after so long.

I would then send an email to everyone saying - It would really be awful not to say goodbye to X so please can we consider how best to do this - if it needs to be a lunch during work day management need to step up and support it.

you are being the best person in this scenario OP