AIBU colleague leaving do

Leaving dos outside working hours are tricky. I don't attend them unless I am very good friends with the person. I'm not going to otherwise sacrifice my precious personal time for someone I will never see again.

Most leaving dos in my workplace are a card + coffee and tea at work and then the people who are very close choose to go out for some drinks afterwards.

Harsh but we are all overworked and poor on time.

Send another message asking that they let you know either way if they can make the leaving do or not so you can arrange it to suit the number of people attending. Also ask for suggestions for the leaving gift & give them a date you'll be going out to buy it so if they can get their contribution in before then you'd appreciate it. If they still don't respond I'd be tempted to arrange a coffee date with the colleague who's leaving for you & her to have a cuppa & cake & get her a small gift just from you.

I don't think it's got anything to do with money. As PPs have said upthread, people have become more insular post covid and aren't all that fussed about socialising in the evenings, least of all with work colleagues.

OP - As others have said, make it a lunchtime/afternoon gathering (ie during work hours) and everyone will show up!

I don’t have much to add, but you sound like a kind and thoughtful person. I would always add something to to leaving pot even when it was someone I didn’t particularly like, or know. You have tried, I feel sorry for the colleague that’s leaving, however I’m sure you’ll do your own thing to acknowledge them, which will be something they’ll remember.

This is so sad. It reminds me of a time in school when the whole class was invited to a boy's birthday party and I was the only one who showed up.
I live like a hermit these days: people are just awful.

Thank you for trying to organise something and ultimately, cover for your colleagues' lack of thought and care.
No suggestions really, but shame on them.
Your card and small token will be appreciated.

I agree with in person email that there is a collection. (Is there a staffroom?) We would have a collection envelope (everyone just put in what they could no special amount) and card would leave in staffroom for everyone to contribute and sign when Staff member wasn't about. And then it would be put in a special place for people to go to when they were in. The get together could just be in the office with a banner and a few nibbles on her last day if no one can go out.

Try daytime and no necessity to book leave. On the premises perhaps too.

Where I work only real oddities left without a big send off with exception of a few who didn’t want a do. The culture seems to have changed. When I decide to retire I will - hopefully - at least have a good team send off. It’s mostly COVID that’s changed things. Working from home has some impact but it’s mostly just that we all fell out of the habit of do’s for Christmas, leaving, babies etc.

lunchtime, or cake in the afternoon?

Yes they should and it's so sad for the person leaving to have so much apathy. I work with a large number of colleagues and have attended almost all farewells.

And for the record these last several posts about bullying queen bees and others asserting agency over their time and resources are why it’s a bad idea for management to force things!

If I were to step in and walk up to @rookiemere ’s desk to let her know I was scheduling an after hours work do for Danielle, what is going to happen to her morale? She’s going to be thinking “shit, Saltines is organizing it I guess that means I have to go”. The power dynamic even if unintentional is still there.

I am entitled to spend my free time and money exactly how I wish.
If being a "Queen bee" means Danielle has taken time to get to know everyone in the office and I have a genuine relationship with her, then of course I'm more likely to take the time to go to her leaving do than someone who has never responded to any friendly overtures and - importantly- is highly unlikely themselves to make an effort to go to a leaving do.

You aren't being unreasonable, I would be sad too that no-one wanted to make an effort. At the very least, they should reply to your messages even if it's just to confirm they can't attend.

Even if you just give that person a card and bunch of flowers from yourself, then that's still nice. If people aren't contributing then that's what you'll have to do. We had an unpopular member of staff leave. No wanted to contribute. One lady ended up buying her a bunch of flowers, I gave her a couple of quid and it was from us. People can be horrible. But you can't make them contribute or meet up.

It's easy to see how doing a collective present and a celebration for someone is a nice thing to do. It is less easy to see how and whether any particular individual has responsibility for making it happen. Most people are living their lives against an unwritten hierarchy of tasks that will never be completed, and the question is how far do you get down the list before you fall into bed and start again tomorrow. High up on the list are usually keeping yourself and your family materially afloat and reasonably sane. Moving anything up the list means moving something else down.
In the past, women were tasked implicitly with giving physical and social comfort to those around them and their livelihoods depended on performing them. The tasks ranked pretty high up in their lists.
At the same time, people in general tended to work for long periods of years in physical and social spaces shared with a relatively consistent group of people. Performing tasks which showcased and celebrated these bonds was a rational thing to do in a situation in which it was celebrating something that was real and made people feel good about their situation in life.

Both of these things have changed. Women have to / can do / must other things than be socially sweet to keep roofs over our heads. Workplaces constantly chop and change and rationalise and restructure and do not even supply their employees with a constant desk they can put a family photo on, still less any more real kind of security. In this context it seems quaint that people are still expecting someone to celebrate someone leaving, as you would your child going to university or your parents' big anniversary. The bonds are not there to be celebrated and the people who would have to contribute their resource to do so, do not have it to spare.

I would love to be in a real workplace team, I have experienced this for decades of my life and I enjoyed it. I've been given leaving presents and have arranged them and it meant something. But the actual experience of feeling you work in a team day to day meant more, and is more worth mourning. This is just a symptom of how work has changed, not a moral failing to be bemoaned.

Yeah, sorry still work place bullying.

You said he wasn't well liked. You used words like pestered, cajoling etc. yep. Harassment and yes bullying. People will either give or not. They don't need to be pestered and nor should they be.

People are unlikely to say "sorry I can't afford it" and shouldnt be pestered (to use your words) to give money.

And if they actually didn't like the person leaving even more reason as to not donate.

I'm very glad my work don't tolerate that kind of stuff. Yes we do collections. But management would stamp down hard if there was any pressure. 2, max, generic emails to all staff telling them who is collecting and that's it. It's then up to the individual to go and give their money to the person, or not. No list is kept of who donated etc.

I'm not twisting words - I'm using your own @Nolongera

You are reading way too much into your twisting of my words.

" Frankly disgusting"? " Work place bullying"

Not one person said so, some told me to fuck off, but it was all in good humour. Mental health ward.

I have seen even popular staff get very little when one or two emails are sent, people mean well but then forget.

We weren't allowed to carry money on the ward, which didn't help collections, but the tight arses loved it as it gave them an excuse, " ooh, catch me later".

So I would catch them later, that sort of pestering and cajoling. I am sure you will still twist that into " bullying", but then they did say catch me later?

I was actually quite pleased with my efforts as I expected to get nowt, as it was he got about £3 for every years service.

'

In the 17 years of working at my workplace, there are colleagues that have never turned up to a single leaving do or, one time about 2014, 3 colleagues had 60th birthdays within 3 weeks - had a do then. Even if their work bestie is leaving/retiring. They might had a meal out together, but didn't find out.

I have been selective with the dos I go to. One former colleague who used to be a friend went to them even though she didn't speak to the retiree or leaver - that was rude. She only went along as her DH used to drive another colleague who lived in the next street along. I doubt he would have taken the other colleague alone. The former friend and I fell out over an embarrassing incident at another do. She shouted a load of lies about me. The retiree's DH asked her to leave. Not seen the former friend since. For about a year-18 months prior to this, we used to sit opposite ends of the table or at a pub we used to go to, had an area of 6-7 tables - sat on different tables and ideally furthest away.

@Nolongera that's just workplace bullying. It's frankly disgusting. You don't know peoples personally financial situations.

One, maybe two generic emails. Then nothing else. People will donate if they want to. And are able to. Nobody should ever feel pressured to give money. And that's what pestering or cajoling (both your words) does. And has zero place in the workplace (or anywhere else for that matter)

Lots of people told me where to go and it was management's idea to get me to do it, I was one of the few people on the ward would could tolerate him.

It was a generic email with then lots of cajoling from me.

The alternative was a guy with 30 years service leaving with nothing.

NHS.

@RampantIvy "I'm not surprised you don't get on with your work colleagues"

Pearl clutch much?

I said no such thing. I get on great with my work colleagues. I just dont cry if they leave. JFC. 🤦‍♂️🙄

You’re a lovely colleague. Unfortunately a lot of people are quite selfish and it’s become worse in recent years. I went to the leaving do of someone who had been at my organisation many years and has done so much to support others on their careers. Nevertheless, not many people turned up to her leaving do.

She’s become very senior somewhere else and I just know some of these same people will be expecting recommendations or support for a leg up in future…

Back in the day people understood that although your colleagues weren’t the same as your friends, you should still build a relationship with the nice ones, it shouldn’t be just transactional as they are people.

I hope your colleague realises you’re genuine.

About a year ago, a colleague of mine retired v. early. Had worked for the organisation in placement year, and got a FT post after graduation. Had worked 30-odd years there, man and boy, never worked anywhere else.

Basically had a breakdown due to the pressure of work. Sent to OH, and bucked out on his ear after less than a year of sick leave. Manager never spoke to him once during that year. The guy was so hardworking and dedicated to the various roles he'd held as he rose up the organisation. Had a disabled partner too. Probably the most knowledgeable in the team, way more than the manager (which will have pissed her off!).

We were only told he'd left a few weeks after he'd gone. Some of us wanted a leaving do, and someone organised it months later. Manager had nothing in her calendar (I have access) until the day before. We met up for lunch and former colleague was a bit gobsmacked that team manager didn't show - she hadn't even told him that she wasn't coming.

It all served to remind me, that you are only just a number. I've left several jobs over the course of my life, and it's been rare that I've kept in touch with anyone, and the contact has never lasted. I worked with the same people for 20 years in my last job, and while we might message now and again, we have never met up in person.

I hear on the grapevine that another colleague isn't coming back from sick leave after more than 40 years' service, since they left school. Saw it coming a mile away but we still haven't been told...