In laws!!

Can't buebe you haven't said anything yet!

Pity her.

If she’s 44 and still living with her parents and is being nasty to you and trying to make you feel on the outside, the chances are high bitterness is setting in and she’s jealous.

If you can laugh about it inside or feel pity for her then it will make you feel better. I know that’s not the nicest thing to do, but if you want to still see your MIL/FIL it’s one way of getting through it without a rage burning inside of you which only harms you.

Your SIL is 44, and lives at home. I take it she has no DC?

I’ve got a similar set up.

To her, your DH and her DP’s are her closest family, along with your DC. She probably feels threatened by you, and fights to maintain her place in the pecking order by ensuring you know where your place is, at the bottom.

You need to just keep taking a step back at a time to a place where she doesn’t affect you.

My MIL enables my SILs childish, entitled behaviour, and after one episode I did tell my MIL that I wanted to get along with her and my FIL as they are my DHs parents, and my DCs DGP, but as for my DHs sibling, she was nothing to me, and I wouldn’t be putting up with any crap from her. That I didn’t care whether she liked me or not, or if I saw her or not. MIL looked shocked at this, but honestly my SIL has been a massive pain in the arse for decades. Then I just took steps back.

Do nothing. That means, down tools. Don’t arrange anything, don’t you send cards and buy presents, don’t cook, don’t communicate with them. Let your DH do it.

If and when you see them just be polite, like you are talking to Vera down the road. Be busy, bright and breezy, like you really couldn’t care less whether they like you or not.

If your in-laws aren’t inclusive and nice to you, have as little to do with them as possible. Don’t do the “I’m nice, honest. You’ll like me when you get to know me” dance. You’ll be wasting your time.

I’ve changed so much recently. I do not give drama llamas, game players and disrespectful people the time of day. I genuinely don’t give a shit what these people think. I’ve got my own lovely family and friends and no one else matters.

The best way to deal with rudeness ime is to act slightly dense and question them. Display zero embarrassment, shine the brightest light on what they just said, stay calm and make them explain their position. It never fails to make them squirm.

'I'm nothing? What an odd thing to say Sarah! What do you mean, i'm nothing?'. Then just look at them and wait. Don't be frightened by any silence, don't try to fill it. Just stare at them and wait. So fucking satisfying watching the bullying nob crawl up their own arse.

If they blurt out an answer, keep going along the same line until they squirm.

Always shine a (very calm) light on bad behaviour to shut it down. It also works very well when training or teaching a group of adults with an overgrown disrupter 😂

I'm experienced at this, from MIL (now passed) & SIL. Just don't engage. Any retaliation is used against you, either now or later. Walk away, tell your DH you won't tolerate her abuse anymore, not even for his easy life, & won't see her until she behaves or tolerate her saying horrible things to your DC about you, either.

It was only when I finally did this that it truly took their power away. DH also had to deal wih it instead of letting me cop their vile behaviour for his easy life.

I also refuse to do Xmas or other occasions with them. DH can, but I won't. Last night he said he wasn't sure how we were going to do Christmas this year as SIL will likely ask, & I told him I'm not spending it with people who ignore me. I'm firm on this. After 25 years I realised I shouldn't tolerate poor behaviour for other people's comfort.

I've been part of the in-laws life for 30 years and yet I am not family.
Once you decide to not engage and you manage to get through the sadness of not having in- laws you like it's quite liberating.
SIL now has a life limiting diagnosis, nothing has changed, still very distant, passive aggressive or just in your face rude. The difference is I can shrug and say'you were n't very nice in your 20s' (and 30s and 40s) and not get caught up in grief.

I just choose not to engage with people like that.

Though I did put SIL firmly in her place when I mentioned DH's family (me and kids) in a harmless context and she had to correct me that, "WE are his family!" "SIL, you are now extended family. His immediate family is me and the kids." All she did was scowl back.

I wouldn’t engage with her. Or if I did it would be right back along the lines of …
”Oh Sally you are a one off aren’t you. But I suppose you don’t have much life experience still living at home with your parents in your mid forties”.

You are the one who continues to engage with these people. You have the privilege to choose not to. This is a You problem.

This x 1000000000

Your husband needs to read her the riot act, no way would I be happy with my husband being all meek and pathetic while someone disrespected me like that. He needs to bring her down a few pegs, and you need to just stand up for yourself!

"Oh get fucked Susan, don't ask a question and then get arsey when I answer it." Who cares if you upset her? She doesn't mind upsetting you!

I’d be telling her to shut the fuck up, then have nothing more to do with her. Simples 😊

Just say "right well don't ask me why your brother is doing something then have a fucking go when I tell you exactly why your brother is doing something because you already know the answer you daft twat" I get that some people don't want to make things worse or upset the in laws but fucking hell what's the alternative? Nobody speaks to me like shit without getting it back and I don't care who they are. She sounds like a nob

I would say to DH that I am done with SIL. I am not going to stop him taking child to grandparents house, but I am not going there with him if SIL is there. Alternatively, PILs can come to our house or we can meet somewhere else. Happy to see PILs, but done with SIL

And leave it for him to sort out and speak to SIL.

How old is this SIL ?

What does your husband say about the situation?

Just remember (and remind her) your DH chose you. He got stuck with her.

I wouldn't see her again. Let DH see them himself or invite PIL to yours. If DH asks why tell him that his sister is incredibly rude and he doesn't stick up for you so you don't want to go.