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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask you what you think is wrong with me?

84 replies

AlienPantFarm · 18/09/2024 17:41

Very long post. Sorry.

On face value I am a competent adult. I have a very busy, very responsible full time job that I am really good at and I successfully co-parent two children, HOWEVER:

● I have emails in my personal inbox that I have been ignoring for weeks because I am unable to allocate any headspace to them. These relate to important stuff like my car insurance renewal. I know they're there and I know I need to deal with them but I just....can't.

● I don't budget and never check my bank balance as I convince myself that I'm overdrawn when I'm not. I have even partially covered part of my screen with my fingers to avoid having to look at my balance. My finances are fine but I did get in trouble with overdraft/credit cards in my early 20s and still feel like that "bad" person.

● There is an item on my stairs that has been there for weeks now. I walk past it daily and think "I should take that upstairs and put it away" yet I never do.

● I NEVER return anything I buy online that doesn't fit. The effort of packaging items up and going to the post office is just too much for me.

● I never go to the supermarket as I find it unbearable and hate the meal planning and then having to eat what you've planned (what if you don't fancy it?!). I live off deliveroo grocery deliveries instead which is far too ££.

● I HATE using any unfamiliar petrol station and will drive past the ones I do know, even if on fumes, if there isn't a pump free on the side that my petrol cap is on or if there is a queue.

● I am early for everything and get panicky if I think there is even a miniscule chance I might be late for something. I work 30 mins extra ever day unpaid just by being stupidly early. They put me on a late start for a few weeks and I just sat at home dressed and ready to go for work for the 3 hours before I had to leave.

● I look at unknown destinations I'm driving to on google maps to see exactly where I am going to park. I cannot just find somewhere when I get there.

● I do not have the ability or energy to maintain relationships with people outside of work. I go off radar for long periods and leave messages unopened in my whatsapp chats for ages as I just dont have the brain space for them (bog standard messages, nothing contentious or difficult subject matter wise). This applies to friends (don't have many) and siblings.

● I went to uni and dropped out in first year as had zero ability to work independently/manage my time/go to lectures/do work. I then ignored all of this until it got to crisis point and I didn't tell my parents until I effectively got kicked out. This is despite getting all As at A Level. Super smart but just couldn't do uni at all.

● I become fixated on subjects, TV shows or bands and will consume all media I can find relating to them. This goes in cycles of coming back to same things over and over again.

● I drink too much on occasion just to stop the incessant noise in my head (never on a school night or when i have the DC). My brain just never stops. A constant barrage of disjointed thoughts/things I remember I need to do/things to distract me from the things I know I need to do/rumination.

● I lose things CONSTANTLY. My house keys, purse etc and I go straight to panic mode. Not rational about these things at all.

● I worst case scenario absolutely bloody everything. If my kid is late home from school I leap immediately to her being abducted/murdered rather than the bus not turning up.

● If I detect any sort of cooling off/decrease in interest when dating someone I will just mentally detach. If someone didn't reply to a text I sent I would just never text them again assuming they did not want to talk to me again.

● I get frustrated easily especially with other people doing things "wrong" or not following rules etc.

● My diet is either totally unrestricted (too many takeaways, never look at calories, never weigh myself even though I know I'm gaining weight) OR obsessively restricted (>1000 cals a day, weighing myself twice daily, taking laxatives, avoiding any socialising that involves food). Completely incapable of moderation.

● During the week I go to bed at the same time as my DC partly because I'm usually knackered but also partly because sleep is an escape from having to deal with "stuff" but on a weekend when I don't have my kids I will have wild nights out.

This is not even all of it just what has come to me as I've sat here writing this.

I know I should probably not be asking strangers on the internet what is wrong with me but I'm curious if any of this sounds familiar to anyone else and maybe it isn't just me living life by the seat of my pants like this?

T'is bloody exhausting 😴😔

Thanks if you made it this far x

OP posts:
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KnitFastDieWarm · 19/09/2024 18:07

I could have written this and I was diagnosed with AuDHD (ADHD and autism) last year. Medication makes a HUGE difference, as does having a reason for why i’ve spent my life struggling with things other people seem to find easy. I am much kinder to myself these days.

A good (if unscientific) test for ADHD - what effect do stimulants have on you? i’ve always been able to drink double espressos before falling asleep, and can consume quantities of caffeine that would make most people jittery but just make me feel focused. Most ADHD medication is essentially legalised speed - with a standard brain it would send people into overdrive, but it just brings an ADHD brain up to a balanced level where you can concentrate.

Essentially, I’d bet my mortgage you have ADHD and possibly some autistic traits. There’s nothing wrong with you and it’s not a case of not trying hard enough - it’s just the way you are and sadly the world isn’t built for us!

garlicandsapphires · 19/09/2024 10:55

Sounds like Autism (black and white thinking, routine, emotional dysregulation, catastrophising, difficulty with unstructured time, relationship issues)

But it’s so interesting how many people resonate with what you’ve described!

perhaps read up on ASD in women. There’ve been some high profile women who’ve written about their experiences (names escape me) so have a read and see what you think. Good luck

GenAvocadoOnToast · 19/09/2024 07:47

I could have written that apart from the nights out and weighing yourself. I have a diagnosis of ADHD.

I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with you/me. Our brains just aren't very compatible with our society set-up.

SeriousFaffing · 19/09/2024 07:31

SeriousFaffing · 19/09/2024 07:01

Sorry you’re struggling x

I could have written something very, very similar. I have been diagnosed ADHD but also suspect Autism.

My struggles were exacerbated and exposed when I had my first son. My coping techniques (that I didn’t know existed) no longer worked.

Just wanted to add a few things.

There’s various good podcasts which are informative. I recommend ADHD for Smart Ass Women. Also search AuDHD on YouTube.

I haven’t had the opportunity to take meds, but I did find the diagnosis validating and that alone had helped me understand myself, my strengths and limitations. I was diagnosed with anxiety as a teen and I found that diagnosis to be quite harmful for a number of reasons.

I spent a period of time researching ADHD and then autism, to the point that it was all-consuming. But I’m now at a place where these things aren’t at the forefront of my mind and I don’t feel like they are (or might be in the case of autism) the sole make up of my identity - just a consideration and understanding in the back of my mind.

Askingfortroible · 19/09/2024 07:07

ADHD/dyslexia

SeriousFaffing · 19/09/2024 07:01

Sorry you’re struggling x

I could have written something very, very similar. I have been diagnosed ADHD but also suspect Autism.

My struggles were exacerbated and exposed when I had my first son. My coping techniques (that I didn’t know existed) no longer worked.

Chucklit · 19/09/2024 00:14

It's life admin, much of what you've said. I set reminders and trawl through them of an evening sorting them out in fits and starts day to day when my DD is settled for the night. I have CPTSD so I try to deal with everything in advance where I can to make life easier day to day. I am guilty of pushing anything with a deadline back until I really need to deal with it. The routine of pre empting does help, but not on bad days (DD has autism so if she has a meltdown then I put things off so that I can mentally try to regroup before I go to sleep.

WGACA · 18/09/2024 23:34

ADHD and autism

CrazyGoatLady · 18/09/2024 23:33

I'm gonna take a punt on AuDHD with a side of neurodivergent burnout. I could have written quite a lot of these things and I have both - adult diagnosed (after both DC were).

Halfemptyhalfling · 18/09/2024 23:33

I would skip the wild nights out, put on some nice music or a podcast, but some nice snacks and make a start on all the tasks you need to do

MinesABluePlatePlease · 18/09/2024 23:29

Ditto all of the above. Seems you're not alone! Life is totally overwhelming most of the time. Sometimes I try to justify it or reason it out so reading the responses on here makes me realise why I find it so much harder than others seem to. Thanks for sharing!

rockingbird · 18/09/2024 23:27

An awful lot of what you've written here resonates with me 🫣 at my age I see no point in a diagnosis but have suspected adhd for some time. What will change if you have a diagnosis? I have two DC with autism early intervention is key - I'm not sure how useful it is when you've spent half your life trying to figure out what the issue is.

FlamingoFloss · 18/09/2024 23:27

outsidedoggy · 18/09/2024 21:26

Diagnosed and medicated for ADHD and diagnosed anxiety at 35. Could have written your post. Medication helps me form better habits, stops intrusive anxious thoughts. Just understanding your own brain really helps in itself

What meds were you prescribed please @outsidedoggy

XChrome · 18/09/2024 23:19

It does sound like a combination of ADHD, GAD, OCD and quite possibly you are on the spectrum.
I have some of these symptoms myself.
Are the SSRIs helping with the anxiety?

JohnTheRevelator · 18/09/2024 23:10

Sounds like autism/ADHD.

Phlegminem · 18/09/2024 23:07

I could have written that too. It's actually made me feel really emotional seeing it all written down like that. It really is crippling and exhausting most days and I feel extreme guilt/shame over not being able to 'adult' properly.

comedycentral · 18/09/2024 22:56

OP are you me??! Stress and ADHD in my case, maybe yours too.

Phen0menon · 18/09/2024 22:53

The problem isn't all the people

The problem is the societal expectations being out of whack with what is reasonable for the vast majority of normal humans.

Phen0menon · 18/09/2024 22:49

I recognise most of it.

Isn't it just normal life? Modern life, the juggle etc... it is quite frankly too much for most of us to handle. The more successful many of us appear to be at it, probably the more its costing us in the moments of panic/stress.

Too many things to focus on mentally
Social media etc making us think we should be able to do it all
Surrounded by so so so much food but pressured to be thin

Do you get any time for yourself, for wellbeing? To just do low key soothing low stimuli things. A relaxed walk, a soak in the bath, read a book, watch a bit of telly, potter in the garden, chat on the phone with a friend?

Beesandhoney123 · 18/09/2024 22:43

You sound completely overwhelmed and need time off work. Ironic you work at a doctors surgery.

Time off - 6 weeks- anti depressants and counselling - get stuff off your chest, make a gentle plan, pack up the booze, maybe check out AA, and just take its very slowly getting things done.

YankSplaining · 18/09/2024 22:40

Another vote for probable ADHD.

YankSplaining · 18/09/2024 22:39

MigGril · 18/09/2024 21:45

It's interesting how everyone jumps to ADHD, as I look down your list and match most of them. I'm fairly sure I'm not ADHD, but I am most definitely seriously dyslexic. And my daughter who is most likely mildly dyslexic would probably match some of your issues as well. Yet she is doing well academically at A-level.

The only reason I mention it is because you then said you dropped out of University and it isn't uncommon for students who are mildly dyslexic to manage to do well academically (some are often supper bright) but then struggle as they go up the education system. Because it becomes harder for them to compensate.

Anyway whatever the issue it's seems to be some sort of ND and you'd need to get assessed to get a diagnosis.

People with ADHD have a higher rate of dropping out of university as well. They’re on their own, with no parent yelling, “I hope you’re doing homework in there!” to keep them on track, and managing study skills on their own can be overwhelming.

ADHDGURL · 18/09/2024 22:37

Can guess from my username that I have some experience of ADHD.. I could have written about 80% of what you posted. I didn't want to read and run..but I have little advice. I've learned to timetable and structure my world. I did this very successfully with 2 young children at an early age. My career has been stop/start because of my complete inability to complete/focus- however I've learned to again have a clear cut process with work and the tasks I'm expected to finish. The fear of being without an income is apparently greater than my ADHD chaos. Similarly my home is very ordered and structured as I can lose days if it isn't to the detriment of work.
I can maintain close friendship but not relationships and I'm prepared to let that slide. It's exhausting just being me and my now grownupchildren,let alone have to consider another person. I wish I had advice but I don't, I forced myself to do structure and organised life because the alternative was my kids would be affected. But I went over the top with that too.. any disruption to routine freaked me out and still does to the point I can't bring myself to go on holiday as it isn't part of my structured life. Nights out are very difficult, money is a.. shambles even at my age earning a decent wage. I calendar every event no matter how trivial and I make lists almost every day to look at and reassure myself that there is a plan. I've tried micro dosing with various products, alcohol can easily become a problem so I try to control my intake. Have recently been introduced to some concentrated mushroom drops, these have helped. I'm looking into .. sorry for rambling, it was just too familiar to read what you posted. Wish you well OP

Beastiesandthebeauty · 18/09/2024 22:31

I don't know but I do relate to 95%

ProvincialLady2024 · 18/09/2024 22:23

I'm not sure about pathologising personality too much and it's completely up to you and your judgement if you seek a diagnosis.
I relate to much of what you state in your post: I have also wondered if there is something "wrong with me" bit ultimately - I can help myself. There are many times when I know that I'm delaying something and making it more stressful than the 10
Minutes of minutes it would take to sort it.
I don't need a diagnosis to tell me that I need to find a way to sort that out.

If you think a formal diagnosis will help somehow, please get one:
I personally just need to stop battling with myself and get it all done.