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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner will use every opportunity to not be at home.

114 replies

MissKeek · 18/09/2024 14:34

For some context. We have a 19 month old and I’m currently 22 weeks pregnant. We live in the middle of nowhere and so it’s rather difficult for me to get about without him, even though we have no car. All of my family live at least 2 hours away and I see them once or twice a year, his family all work and we don’t see them often either, so I have no village.

I have expressed time and time again that I would like to go out on family days more, I need to get out more because it’s driving me nuts, and as you other Mamas know with a toddler and pregnant, it can be extra tough.

When he is not at work he prioritises himself and goes to his mates at least once a week for a gaming night and a shmoke, which is a trek away. This is fine but he takes the mick when it comes to arranging it and usually does this to me last minute.
I might add that in the entire time since having our first child I have had very little time away from home on my own. I get no time to myself.
Whenever there is something I need to discuss with him with hopes of addressing it and moving on, he gets very defensive and uses it as an excuse to argue, shout then leave the house for hours and hours on end. Leaving me alone with kiddo for even longer.

Three times now we have arranged to spend the day together and he’s spent most of the morning on his phone (despite saying he was going to help me out with our toddler so I can rest a little), when I ask what’s the plan as he has the money he shrugs. I always try to make conversation and stuff and he shuts off and keeps staring into his phone uninterested but then gets argumentative if I call him out for it, saying that he’s sorry he’s not living up to my idea of perfection. It’s bloody exhausting. I just want a nice day with my family and he’s behaving like a teenager. He’s now buggered off out to his mates, again, for the entire day instead of being with us.

I’m at the point now where he will leave at any excuse and there’s no point him even living here anymore if he is going to be this way and do it more the more I try to talk to him about it to solve the issue.

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to listen and be more present within the family?

OP posts:
CosyLemur · 22/09/2024 08:48

You both sound unbearable!
Him for leaving at the drop off a hat and you for nagging about him using his phone!
A family day doesn't have to be going out somewhere or all doing the same activity (although that's nice sometimes) just being together is nice.
Have you actually sat down and spoke about things at a time when they aren't the current problem. While eating tea etc "on Saturday I thought it might be nice if we did xyz with A before the baby comes along, also it would make things a bit easier for planning if you could add on to the calendar when you've got plans"

If you only discuss problems when they're the problem of course it'll end up in an argument!

Chillimuma · 22/09/2024 08:46

Can you move in with family?

TENSsion · 22/09/2024 08:37

Do you have family support?
Could you go to your mums with the baby and apply for housing etc. from there as a homeless person?
You’re more likely to find work in a town when the time comes and until then, this is exactly what our benefits system is for.

CountryVic · 22/09/2024 08:36

If you live in the middle of know where with no car, how / where will you work? Is there a nursery for the children? You might be best up and moving closer to your family if they can offer you some support.

RachTheAlpaca · 22/09/2024 08:36

Can you move back to your family before the new baby comes?
I'm worried for you being isolated with 2 tiny children and him having all the power. I don't think the relationship can be saved, you need supportive people around you. Good luck

DivorcingMomma · 22/09/2024 08:31

You say partner, not husband. Is the house owned or rented? If its rented, can you look to get on your local council house list? Move closer to family/amenities?

BlondeAussie · 22/09/2024 08:24

Why do you live in such an isolated place? Do either of you drive? How does he get to work and his social activities?

I realise this isn't the heart of the issue but it certainly can't help matters.

If you moved to somewhere more accessible, you wouldn't be as dependant on him. Perhaps the thought of a new baby is making you both seem trapped, and he is looking for escape routes?

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 22/09/2024 08:21

You need to get your children away from this drug head dosser.

He's engaging in and supporting criminality by smoking weed, do you really want someone with that level of morality in your children's lives?

Get out, get a job, move somewhere with transport links and leave this dopehead.

Original poster
MissKeek · 18/09/2024 20:35

Ablondiebutagoody · 18/09/2024 18:00

The problem is the weed. My son's Dad used to smoke but very early on realised it wasn't a good mix for him with a child. That he couldn't be arsed to do kid stuff. To his credit he felt awful about that and quit.

It’s something we’ve discussed before and he’s been through all of the phases. When I was pregnant the first time he almost gave up then after our first boy was born decided he wouldn’t, and repeat. I’ve tried supporting it, I’ve tried being totally against it, I can’t ever find any kind of balance with it. It certainly does not help with consistency for our children let alone co-parenting with someone who also refuses therapy.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 18/09/2024 18:00

The problem is the weed. My son's Dad used to smoke but very early on realised it wasn't a good mix for him with a child. That he couldn't be arsed to do kid stuff. To his credit he felt awful about that and quit.

Original poster
MissKeek · 18/09/2024 16:58

jeaux90 · 18/09/2024 16:18

Of course he doesn't want it to change, he is in control of his own fully functioning support human.

As I said OP, open question about how this will work when you go back to work. Shut up and let him talk. Keen asking open questions.

I'm a lone parent, I can tell you life is easier without this kind of manipulation in it.

I'd be bloody furious about this situation.

You're absolutely right! I am currently a SAHM and it’s been a push for me to regain some ground on balance but I see it for what it has become now.

I am serious, I will ask him once he has returned from wherever he’s gone. He knows we need to talk. I’ll see what he’s got to say about this. I’m sure it will speak volumes, as things already have.

I am bloody furious! All my life I’ve been surrounded by manipulative people in my support system, some hide it easier and I’m like a bloody magnet for them. I’m fed up.

I do feel like things would be better if I can just get on without this kind of manipulation, from anyone, I’ve always been held back and as much as I am a strong person it’s bloody exhausting. I am serious on bringing up my boys to respect women and NOT treat them this way.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 18/09/2024 16:18

Of course he doesn't want it to change, he is in control of his own fully functioning support human.

As I said OP, open question about how this will work when you go back to work. Shut up and let him talk. Keen asking open questions.

I'm a lone parent, I can tell you life is easier without this kind of manipulation in it.

I'd be bloody furious about this situation.

TypingoftheDead · 18/09/2024 16:04

MissKeek · 18/09/2024 14:57

He gave a toss before, but somehow he lost it up his own backside it seems.

Show quote history

I think this, and similar changes happen a lot more often than you might realise. I’m really sorry you’re not getting the support you deserve or expected though, OP; sometimes it’s clear when someone is being an arse but you go ahead and hope it’s them adjusting and that they’ll get with the program, and other times, they change unexpectedly for the worse.
I hope you can get some good practical advice and come up with a solution that works for you, in any case.

Meadowfinch · 18/09/2024 15:57

Simbaonedaythiswillallbeyours · 18/09/2024 15:48

Having another child with this idiot is beyond ridiculous. This isn't love.

You need to get a job and learn to drive. Stand on your own two feet for your kids sake as he is clearly not going to support you.
You are so incredibly vunerable but through your own choices.

Time to get your head out of sand and DO something.

This.

OP, you need to take control because he has clearly checked out. And you need to do it soon.

You're going to be a single mum of two very small children. What is your plan?

CloudywMeatballs · 18/09/2024 15:55

Simbaonedaythiswillallbeyours · 18/09/2024 15:48

Having another child with this idiot is beyond ridiculous. This isn't love.

You need to get a job and learn to drive. Stand on your own two feet for your kids sake as he is clearly not going to support you.
You are so incredibly vunerable but through your own choices.

Time to get your head out of sand and DO something.

Apparently he was wonderful until she became pregnant with her second child...

(No, I don't believe it either.)

AutumnFroglets · 18/09/2024 15:53

Things do need to change but he doesn’t want any change, as he has said before.
Of course he doesn't want change. I bet you are still cooking, cleaning, washing, parenting, house admining and have sex with/for him while he does what he wants and goes where he wants. If only he could get that woman to shut up his life would be near damn perfect. You however... what's in it for you?

EDIT - in my roundabout way I was trying to say YOU need to decide what you want and how to achieve it. He won't help you.

Simbaonedaythiswillallbeyours · 18/09/2024 15:48

Having another child with this idiot is beyond ridiculous. This isn't love.

You need to get a job and learn to drive. Stand on your own two feet for your kids sake as he is clearly not going to support you.
You are so incredibly vunerable but through your own choices.

Time to get your head out of sand and DO something.

Conniebygaslight · 18/09/2024 15:45

If you live in the middle of nowhere with no transport OP how on earth do you manage with a DC? That alone would drive me insane. You need to be around people to get yourself and DC a life. Your DP is an arse though...

Scallopp · 18/09/2024 15:30

You have to make the change. He's selfish.

Original poster
MissKeek · 18/09/2024 15:26

Scallopp · 18/09/2024 14:39

Hes leaving you with no money?

You'd be better of working and getting yourself out of the house instead of being stuck home with no money. It's not bad on the face of it that he goes out once a week to socialise, you could also do the same.

Sounds like some things need to change.

I absolutely agree!
I’ve asked for us to arrange for me to be able to do so, he seems keen on the front then when I try to arrange something he’s always busy or can’t do it.

I have benefits such as CB and UC but his wages effect how much that can be. He carrot dangles the rest of his wages. Thankfully I’m pretty good at budgeting.

Things do need to change but he doesn’t want any change, as he has said before.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissKeek · 18/09/2024 15:16

jeaux90 · 18/09/2024 14:59

op if you want to get his real feelings on the situation tell him after this baby you plan to go back to work and want to discuss what will happen in terms of the shared parenting etc

Then shut up and see what he says.

This is already the plan, depending on my recovery will depend on how soon I go back to work. I’ve been a SAHM since having my first bub and I actually can’t wait to go back to work.

I will try this, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissKeek · 18/09/2024 15:09

PinkyFlamingo · 18/09/2024 15:05

Please don't be ashamed, you have nothing to be ashamed about. But please think if you want to bring your children up in a relationship like this

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I hear you, I absolutely do not. I’ll have two boys next year and I don’t want them growing up thinking this is ok!

OP posts:
Original poster
MissKeek · 18/09/2024 15:08

poppyzbrite4 · 18/09/2024 15:03

So he was attentive, communicative, you went out for family days out and he pulled his weight around the house and with the baby.

Now, he's on his phone, rude, unreliable, uninterested and lazy. Seems like a complete 180 in behaviour.

If you can't talk to him, there's nothing you can do. Sound like you don't have access to cash either which is abusive. Do you get benefits: child benefit or universal credit?

Show quote history

You’ve hit the nail on the head. I really don’t understand it.

I do get benefits which is effected by how much he earns too so the more he earns the less cash I get. He spends a lot going out and spending time with his friend, coming home with milk and a tonne of snacks for him…

From the responses so far it’s confirmed that the future between us is not looking good.

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 18/09/2024 15:05

MissKeek · 18/09/2024 14:56

I totally agree and I always thought “it would never happen to me” well it has and I do feel really ashamed. I’ve been in abusive relationships before this and so this felt miles better, well it seems I still missed some red flags it seems. I know no one is perfect but I just want balance.
We were together for a good 5 years before we had children and he wasn’t this way before.
I don’t regret my children but I am sorry to them that their father wouldn’t step up, but that is not my fault it is his. Regardless I will try to make the best out of a bad situation.

Show quote history

Please don't be ashamed, you have nothing to be ashamed about. But please think if you want to bring your children up in a relationship like this

CloudywMeatballs · 18/09/2024 15:05

MissKeek · 18/09/2024 14:57

He gave a toss before, but somehow he lost it up his own backside it seems.

Show quote history

So it sounds like he's changed completely in the past 4 months(ish) since you found out you were pregnant again? I'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation - he sounds like an awful partner and an awful Dad.

Focus on yourself and your kids and try and find a way that you can live independently without him. Good luck.