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Original poster

Partner will use every opportunity to not be at home.

114 replies

MissKeek · 18/09/2024 14:34

For some context. We have a 19 month old and I’m currently 22 weeks pregnant. We live in the middle of nowhere and so it’s rather difficult for me to get about without him, even though we have no car. All of my family live at least 2 hours away and I see them once or twice a year, his family all work and we don’t see them often either, so I have no village.

I have expressed time and time again that I would like to go out on family days more, I need to get out more because it’s driving me nuts, and as you other Mamas know with a toddler and pregnant, it can be extra tough.

When he is not at work he prioritises himself and goes to his mates at least once a week for a gaming night and a shmoke, which is a trek away. This is fine but he takes the mick when it comes to arranging it and usually does this to me last minute.
I might add that in the entire time since having our first child I have had very little time away from home on my own. I get no time to myself.
Whenever there is something I need to discuss with him with hopes of addressing it and moving on, he gets very defensive and uses it as an excuse to argue, shout then leave the house for hours and hours on end. Leaving me alone with kiddo for even longer.

Three times now we have arranged to spend the day together and he’s spent most of the morning on his phone (despite saying he was going to help me out with our toddler so I can rest a little), when I ask what’s the plan as he has the money he shrugs. I always try to make conversation and stuff and he shuts off and keeps staring into his phone uninterested but then gets argumentative if I call him out for it, saying that he’s sorry he’s not living up to my idea of perfection. It’s bloody exhausting. I just want a nice day with my family and he’s behaving like a teenager. He’s now buggered off out to his mates, again, for the entire day instead of being with us.

I’m at the point now where he will leave at any excuse and there’s no point him even living here anymore if he is going to be this way and do it more the more I try to talk to him about it to solve the issue.

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to listen and be more present within the family?

OP posts:
EllieQ · 22/09/2024 10:44

MissKeek · 18/09/2024 20:35

It’s something we’ve discussed before and he’s been through all of the phases. When I was pregnant the first time he almost gave up then after our first boy was born decided he wouldn’t, and repeat. I’ve tried supporting it, I’ve tried being totally against it, I can’t ever find any kind of balance with it. It certainly does not help with consistency for our children let alone co-parenting with someone who also refuses therapy.

Show quote history

Him not giving up weed when you were pregnant/ had your first child suggests he wasn’t a great partner/ father before what you describe as a sudden personality changes a few month ago 🙄

Was it his idea for you to move to somewhere so isolated where you don’t have a car/ can’t drive? It comes across as quite controlling and making you very dependent on him.

Welshmonster · 22/09/2024 10:19

How do you own/rent your home? Make a plan and exit before you are stuck in the house with two kids. He sounds like he wants you to end the relationship so he doesn’t have to. Is he doing drugs and driving? Do not let him drive your child anywhere.

can you just pack up and go live with family

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 22/09/2024 10:17

MissKeek · 18/09/2024 16:58

You're absolutely right! I am currently a SAHM and it’s been a push for me to regain some ground on balance but I see it for what it has become now.

I am serious, I will ask him once he has returned from wherever he’s gone. He knows we need to talk. I’ll see what he’s got to say about this. I’m sure it will speak volumes, as things already have.

I am bloody furious! All my life I’ve been surrounded by manipulative people in my support system, some hide it easier and I’m like a bloody magnet for them. I’m fed up.

I do feel like things would be better if I can just get on without this kind of manipulation, from anyone, I’ve always been held back and as much as I am a strong person it’s bloody exhausting. I am serious on bringing up my boys to respect women and NOT treat them this way.

Show quote history

Once you ditch this piece of shit and get back to work, for the sake of you and your children, stay single until they are significantly older. It's good that you've realised you are a magnet for manipulative people, but you now need to be on your guard, ESPECIALLY with romantic relationships.

HobbyHorse30 · 22/09/2024 10:16

He has the money, he’s your only way of physically getting out and about, and he manipulates you by shouting, storming out, and gaslighting you (“I’m sorry I’m not your idea of perfection…”)

This man is controlling you. It’s not a partnership; you’re stuck and he gets everything his own way. You deserve better and for all that I’m not a LTB type, you’re never going to get better from this guy.

Cardiganoutsidein · 22/09/2024 10:00

MissKeek · 22/09/2024 08:59

This is new behaviour, pretty much polar opposite to who we think/ thought he was, this is not something he has been doing up until recent months.
I wouldn’t have posted here if I was used to this kind of behaviour for over 7 years…
It’s not mine or our child’s fault for the father’s change in behaviour.

Show quote history

My ExH started behaving like this when my DS was a toddler. Went from being doting partner to completely checking out.

turns out he was more interested in chasing a 25 year old at work.

he seemed to resent the fact that I was a blocker to him spending time with his crush.

My ex also behaved like a stroppy teenager.

He’s now an ex. This behaviour doesn’t get better. You need to plan to leave.

anothermnuser123 · 22/09/2024 09:59

OP you really need to work to get yourself out of this vulnerable position. Looking at learning to drive or moving to be near transport, getting back to work and some financial independence.

If this is genuinely a complete change in personality I would be very concerned but I don't believe he was top partner and dad prior to this.

But you need to prioritise getting yourself in a better position as a single person because unless you want this to be your life, this is ultimately what will happen.

He is never going to change, he doesn't have to parent, he has all the money, he gets to do what he wants and he has no want to help you be happy. You are the one that is going to have to change it.

How did the talk with him go?

anothermnuser123 · 22/09/2024 09:55

Sjh15 · 22/09/2024 09:47

I don’t think the fact she isn’t married is the issue here - what a ridiculous comment.

Show quote history

It absolutely is in the sense she is a SAHM completely reliant on him for finances and at any moment, he could end the relationship and she would have nothing. Meanwhile he holds all the cards, has been building a career, a pension etc.

If she were married she would at least have claim to some of those finances.

Being a SAHM and not being married is ridiculously risky, you can be homeless and penniless at any time and you are completely at the whim of your partner and it seems hers has had a personality transplant so it's not unfathomable that he could just go oh well and leave her screwed!

So how in earth is it a ridiculous comment? More women need to be aware of this before they get into these situations.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/09/2024 09:49

Can you move back in with your parents? The location of your home sounds untenable.

Runsyd · 22/09/2024 09:49

What's he bringing to your life, except frustration and money challenges? I think you will be much happier without him. Can you get evidence of his work/wages so he can't try and wriggle out of child support?

Nevertooearlyforsanta · 22/09/2024 09:48

Hi OP.

I am sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation.

It seems that for whatever reason being a father is proving too difficult for your DP and he is taking the selfish route and putting himself firmly in a position of priority. He seems selfish beyond belief and unless he changes significantly and willingly so (otherwise he will just be resentful) your life will remain fairly miserable.

I know from experience of having two young children and a partner who put his needs before ours. In the end. Life as a single parent is much easier and happier. At least you know the score, you are on your own and the constant hoping for change, resentment, and anger at a hopeless partner/father will be gone. Well, he might still be a useless father, but at least you don’t have to live with and condone it.

I would seriously be considering my choices. Moving somewhere there is easier access to support, and by that I mean community, GP, parent places and groups etc, would be far better for you as a single parent than staying in what sounds like a miserably lonely situation with a partner who is disinterested.

Whatever happens, be kind to yourself, do what is right for you first and foremost. If you are happier and more content, the kids will be too. Good luck and don’t take any shiz OP!

Sjh15 · 22/09/2024 09:47

femfemlicious · 22/09/2024 09:33

Why do women do this to yourself . A Toddler and a pregnant with someone you are not Married to. You have dug yourself into a hole.

I don’t think the fact she isn’t married is the issue here - what a ridiculous comment.

Sjh15 · 22/09/2024 09:45

The weed is the problem. My ex was a big weed smoker, I hated it, he would be horrible lazy, refuse to get up, be rude, basically it’s all a massive come down. He needs to stop that

Halfemptyhalfling · 22/09/2024 09:43

Book yourself driving lessons starting about 4-5 months after the baby is born so he can look after dc while you go

Shinyandnew1 · 22/09/2024 09:38

You’re not married and you live in an isolated place with no car. How do you get anywhere?

Do you rent or own the house you live in, @MissKeek ? In whose name?

Gremlins101 · 22/09/2024 09:37

Sounds awful OP. Sorry you are in this position. He is being financially controlling, amongst his other bad behaviours. My husband is no golden boy, but your post about your partners behaviour really shocked me.

Can you move in with your family or find somewhere nearby them while your new baby will be small? You might spend the next few months before your baby comes doing an online course/upskilling, take a break while your new baby is small, and then look for full time employment. It looks like your future is as a solo mum so start using this time to plan well. You sound angry, which is great, but channel that anger.

During my second pregnancy (similar age gaps between children), my husband went a bit off the rails, caused by past trauma, anxiety, depression... and didn't behave well. It was very stressful. He went into therapy and we resolved those issues entirely (for now) thank God. The difference is that I own my house, whih would have been my saving grace, if it had come to the point that i left him. It really depends on if your partner can accept this situation isn't right and confront it head on. But I do in part understand how bloody hard it is.💐

femfemlicious · 22/09/2024 09:33

Why do women do this to yourself . A Toddler and a pregnant with someone you are not Married to. You have dug yourself into a hole.

GalaticalFarce · 22/09/2024 09:31

You sound really assertive in your posts op.
Time to have a big conversation about your future and if he's not willing to shape up and be a decent partner and husband then it's time for him to move out.

Nanny0gg · 22/09/2024 09:29

CosyLemur · 22/09/2024 08:48

You both sound unbearable!
Him for leaving at the drop off a hat and you for nagging about him using his phone!
A family day doesn't have to be going out somewhere or all doing the same activity (although that's nice sometimes) just being together is nice.
Have you actually sat down and spoke about things at a time when they aren't the current problem. While eating tea etc "on Saturday I thought it might be nice if we did xyz with A before the baby comes along, also it would make things a bit easier for planning if you could add on to the calendar when you've got plans"

If you only discuss problems when they're the problem of course it'll end up in an argument!

You know, sometimes I wonder if we all reading different threads...

AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere · 22/09/2024 09:29

Is it an option to leave and stay with family? or is the family option no more supportive?
Even if it's just tempory, it will either give him the kick up the arse to get back to the better person he was or you will see it's easier without the exhausting drama of someone who makes it harder when they should be sharing the load.

Nanny0gg · 22/09/2024 09:27

MissKeek · 18/09/2024 20:35

It’s something we’ve discussed before and he’s been through all of the phases. When I was pregnant the first time he almost gave up then after our first boy was born decided he wouldn’t, and repeat. I’ve tried supporting it, I’ve tried being totally against it, I can’t ever find any kind of balance with it. It certainly does not help with consistency for our children let alone co-parenting with someone who also refuses therapy.

Show quote history

Not to mention how much it costs...

Is your property rented? Who's on the lease?

How difficult is it for you to move somewhere more central?

sarah419 · 22/09/2024 09:23

are you able to visit your family for a few days or weeks? maybe just drop everything and go with your child and see how he reacts/ if he’s willing to change. it’s likely to only get worse when new baby comes btw as you will be beyond overwhelmed.

Luio · 22/09/2024 09:23

It sounds like you might be flogging a dead horse. I would forget the family days and find stuff to do without him. Presumably you can get to places even if you are rural without a car. You need to start building a life as if you are single and get some more local friends. He may be going through a bad patch or you may decide you want to leave him but you can start to make some changes in your own life before making any big decisions.

Original poster
MissKeek · 22/09/2024 08:59

Loz2323 · 22/09/2024 08:55

He sounds lovely, not! but also have to say why on earth are you havng another kid with him when you already know he doesn't really give a shite about the family he already has.

Show quote history

This is new behaviour, pretty much polar opposite to who we think/ thought he was, this is not something he has been doing up until recent months.
I wouldn’t have posted here if I was used to this kind of behaviour for over 7 years…
It’s not mine or our child’s fault for the father’s change in behaviour.

OP posts:
Loz2323 · 22/09/2024 08:55

MissKeek · 18/09/2024 14:34

For some context. We have a 19 month old and I’m currently 22 weeks pregnant. We live in the middle of nowhere and so it’s rather difficult for me to get about without him, even though we have no car. All of my family live at least 2 hours away and I see them once or twice a year, his family all work and we don’t see them often either, so I have no village.

I have expressed time and time again that I would like to go out on family days more, I need to get out more because it’s driving me nuts, and as you other Mamas know with a toddler and pregnant, it can be extra tough.

When he is not at work he prioritises himself and goes to his mates at least once a week for a gaming night and a shmoke, which is a trek away. This is fine but he takes the mick when it comes to arranging it and usually does this to me last minute.
I might add that in the entire time since having our first child I have had very little time away from home on my own. I get no time to myself.
Whenever there is something I need to discuss with him with hopes of addressing it and moving on, he gets very defensive and uses it as an excuse to argue, shout then leave the house for hours and hours on end. Leaving me alone with kiddo for even longer.

Three times now we have arranged to spend the day together and he’s spent most of the morning on his phone (despite saying he was going to help me out with our toddler so I can rest a little), when I ask what’s the plan as he has the money he shrugs. I always try to make conversation and stuff and he shuts off and keeps staring into his phone uninterested but then gets argumentative if I call him out for it, saying that he’s sorry he’s not living up to my idea of perfection. It’s bloody exhausting. I just want a nice day with my family and he’s behaving like a teenager. He’s now buggered off out to his mates, again, for the entire day instead of being with us.

I’m at the point now where he will leave at any excuse and there’s no point him even living here anymore if he is going to be this way and do it more the more I try to talk to him about it to solve the issue.

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to listen and be more present within the family?

He sounds lovely, not! but also have to say why on earth are you havng another kid with him when you already know he doesn't really give a shite about the family he already has.

BuildbyNumbere · 22/09/2024 08:54

If this is new behaviour could he be seeing someone else??