No help from my mum

Yeah, it’s always women who are expected to fill in the gaps for these men - for free of course. Is that fair?

People say all sorts of things they don't really mean, or at least aren't able to follow through on. She may mean it in the moment, but then in reality gets tired out or distracted by other things when it comes to it.

Do you think these jobs have transferable skills that would translate well to 9-5 work while earning enough money to support everyone?? My DH has been looking to get out of a role like this for years but no one is interested in hiring him for even close to the living wage.

In fact both DH and I have notoriously family unfriendly jobs and we do it with the help of our mothers. They wouldn’t see us struggle and they want to have a strong relationship with their grandson. they both got help from their grannies with us too so they see it as passing it forward.

OP is literally just looking for company during the week, not even for her mum to take on caring roles. That would be the same if her OH was working a 9-5 or away for months at a time. Its not a lot to ask if you actually like your child IMO.

Do you ever invite her over? Or ask her to meet you somewhere halfway for lunch/coffee/a walk in the park?

I don't think it's realistic or fair to expect her to do all the travelling, tbh.

Again, why haven't you asked her to stay for a few days? She could go to work from yours.

It would be nice if she did come more. I think a lot of us are just used to having no help at all, and we're probably a bit jealous of people with help or even just family who visit for a chat. The most help I've ever had from my parents was two hours babysitting, and they've visited a couple of times (they live a lot further away though). My kids are aged 8 and 4, so that's two hours help in eight years.

Yanbu. That's really shitty.

Fwiw, my mum is dead so I didn't get any help obviously but everyone I know who has a baby and a mum living relatively near has had a lot of help and support especially in the early days.

Have you discussed with your partner about him changing career because you need more support? You really should be looking to him first.

Yes that’s exactly what I’d expect. Or women need to be in a relationship with men that don’t have jobs that require working away

I think you're getting a hard time on here OP. Typical MN race to the bottom. It's perfectly normal (and really quite common) for grandparents to help out with grandchildren. My DD and her family have recently moved much closer to us so we can help out more. We weren't consulted, they just decided it was a good idea (even though son-in-law has to stay in London during the week), so now we help out quite a bit even though we're both still working. We love our daughter and grandchildren, so naturally we want to help when we can, as any loving parent would do if they're able. I don't understand your mother's attitude at all. If she works close to where you live surely she can pop in before work occasionally?

She works in the week. Shes coming at weekends. Youre being v unreasonable

I agree, I find mumsnet very odd on issues like this. I truly don't know anyone who would be so uncaring towards their child, let alone one who has MS and a husband who works away. Totally bizarre.

If he has a baby with a woman with MS, which I know can be absolutely brutal, he should find a job that doesn't take him away for long periods. Yes, I think that. A lot of parents have to make such decisions for the sake of the family.

If your that close talk to her. Nobody on here can solve your dilemma. It's between you two.

You say you are close so I suspect you have asked why she doesn't visit more; what did she say?

I think if his wife and child needs him at home more then yes he should consider a job that involves less travel. And I say that as someone whose husband is regularly away for periods of time.

If they aren't going to make that decision then it's not fair to complain that someone else doesn't step up to provide more support in his absence.

Simply, yes. If their partner expects/wants him to be a good dad and partner and doesn’t want to or can’t cope with doing it all alone, he should leave before having children. Women have to often work jobs that are compatible with motherhood, it’s not unreasonable to expect the same from men. Do you consider all the jobs women can’t do because they have to factor so much childcare as their husband is working away for months on end?

So what's the backstory with your partner? Does she have a reason not to approve of your relationship - does she think you shouldn't have had a baby with him maybe?

On MN, there’s this weird stance that your parents don’t need to show any interest in your baby/child as they have their own life to get on with.

In reality, so many parents make the effort and try their upmost best to support their child and grandchild. Unfortunately, my mum is like your mum OP. Except she doesn’t work and moans about how much she misses her grand babies but doesn’t put any effort in to see them.

Meanwhile, my friends have mum’s that work full time and go over and beyond to help their children out. Some parents just aren’t willing to put the effort in but MN will tell you they don’t need to give a fuck in the first place.

I also think it’s a massive cultural thing too

I think people need to think about the reality of having a partner who works away when they start a family, yes. That may mean the partner finding a more "9-5" type job or deciding that, actually, they don't want a child with someone who's never there.

I mean, I don't even want children and would still never date someone who was in any of those jobs as I don't believe they're compatible with a healthy work/life balance or a good relationship.

I can't imagine treating any of my daughters like this.

When I had my three children my mother came from a different country for a month. I didn't even have to ask.

What is she like as a mum?