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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my child’s school being extremely unreasonable?

313 replies

RainbowSlidders · 18/09/2024 13:42

As the title says, I am so bloody angry/upset right now I don’t want to respond until I have had confirmation that they are being as unreasonable as I think.

I lost my dad on Sunday late evening, he lived 300+ miles away including a ferry journey we rushed down Friday AFTER school and drove back early hours of Monday morning all kids attended school Monday. This was a very unexpected death, he had not been ill and was very active and health for a 78 year old. He suffered a brain haemorrhage, the bleed was massive and catastrophic.

Due to cultural differences the funeral lasts 7 days, I understand this is not the norm and my children won’t be attending the full 7 days. The service will take place Thursday, I submitted a leave of absence form for Wed/Thurs/Fri due to the journey. The attendance officer from my son’s school has just rang and been extremely unpleasant, said it will be unauthorised as it’s not viewed by the school as an exceptional circumstance and we will be charged £160 fine as my son had a week off in July for surgery. I made it clear I did not agree and the fine won’t change my mind I was going to my dad’s funeral. I also said it was exceptional circumstances as you only die once, maybe not my finest moment but it was the least rude thing I could think of.

Am I being ridiculous? I have been feeling really off since Sunday, crying on and off for no particular reason so not sure if it is actually me being unreasonable. Monday after dropping the younger 2 at school I had to drop my eldest daughter off at university for her first day which was also very emotional for us both.

OP posts:
Mizztikle · 18/09/2024 16:14

Outd00rs · 18/09/2024 14:47

Is this quite standard then only to authorise for immediate family funerals? And grandparents don’t count as immediate family?! I can’t believe that can be true, that’s so sad… it’s attendance figures gone mad! What is the come back on a school of reduced attendance figures - does anyone know? do they get less money? A bad OFSTED?

a child at our school died recently (tragic) and the whole school (more than a thousand kids) was authorised to go to the funeral if they wanted. The whole school also took the morning off to talk about the child and to be there to watch the cortège pass by the school if they wanted to. I think your school sounds especially uncaring.. but it would be interesting to know where that attitude comes from and whether they are forced into it through targets?

I believe its down to the school or academy to decide what counts as exceptional circumstances but I agree its awful and although I work at a school if God forbid anything happened to my parents the school rules would go out the window.
Yes OFSTEAD do look at attendance, it was actually highlighted in our report.

ClogCogs · 18/09/2024 16:12

Ponderingwindow · 18/09/2024 15:56

I would repeat the term “religious discrimination” every time you have this conversation with them. Your children have the right to observe the full grieving process of your religion/culture if you wish. That you want just a subset and to return them to education before you are likely ready is more than reasonable .

Just because your practices are not part of the dominant culture does not mean they can’t be followed as best as possible.

This ^ it is your religious belief to observe that many days and you aren't even asking them for that. It is discrimination. Do they state anything in their attendance policy about funerals?

I am so sorry for your loss and that you have to travel such a distance for the funeral. I am not excusing what the person from school said I am just wondering if they are taking a very hard line due to it being year 11 but I would be arguing it.

My son's secondary school authorise absences not only for funerals but for grieving too. Then again they have an 100% attendance reward and also a 97% attendance reward because they recognise not all students can make it in 100% of the time.

JoyousPinkPeer · 18/09/2024 16:11

Good God, that's terrible. Forget about it until after the funeral then complain. Don't pay the fine.

Shakirasma · 18/09/2024 16:09

I'm so sorry for your loss OP

The school are being massively unreasonable . I work in a school office and there's no way you would be fined for this.

This is exactly the the exceptional circumstances that can be authorised by the head, and your child's medical absence in July should be irrelevant to this matter.

Ponderingwindow · 18/09/2024 15:56

I would repeat the term “religious discrimination” every time you have this conversation with them. Your children have the right to observe the full grieving process of your religion/culture if you wish. That you want just a subset and to return them to education before you are likely ready is more than reasonable .

Just because your practices are not part of the dominant culture does not mean they can’t be followed as best as possible.

Jeezitneverends · 18/09/2024 15:54

I’m sorry you’ve lost your dad, that’s been such a shock for you💐

As for any fine, it wouldn’t be paid and I’d see them in court. Common sense has left the building!

CharliesAngles · 18/09/2024 15:52

I despair, I really do.
What has the world come to, when human beings lack so much compassion.

I'm so sorry for your loss @RainbowSlidders 💐

I'm sorry you're having to deal with box ticking morons under these sad circumstances.
The school is wrong.

quantumbutterfly · 18/09/2024 15:51

YANBU

Sorry for your loss op Flowers what a horrible shock for you and your dc.

countrygirl99 · 18/09/2024 15:50

So unreasonable they are not even in the same solar system.

RainbowSlidders · 18/09/2024 15:49

@neverbeenskiing she rang from the school, the number came up on my phone. Apart from the one week last week no not had any other time off I can remember. He is now is year 11, had 100% attendance up until that point.

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 18/09/2024 15:45

Definitely unreasonable. We had a grandparent funeral at the beginning of this term. Authorised by the headteacher and they sent condolences as any decent school should.

LlynTegid · 18/09/2024 15:40

I am glad others have been able to confirm you are being reasonable, and when you return from the funeral, yes complain to the governors. Many people have parents who live a distance away.

Jl2014 · 18/09/2024 15:35

Very unreasonable. We had authorised absence approved for a close family funeral and dc was off 2 days due to travel. I would definitely escalate.

DrummingMousWife · 18/09/2024 15:34

I’m so sorry for your loss OP
this is totally unreasonable and I would be on war path to be honest

Allthehorsesintheworld · 18/09/2024 15:28

I’m so sorry for your loss. The shock caused by a sudden loss is truly awful. Your children need time and space to talk , cry and question when they need to.
The school attitude is appalling. Absolutely awful.
A complaint to the governors is in order, copy to the trust if they’re an academy, LEA if that’s appropriate. I’d also be emailing my MP.

Grammarnut · 18/09/2024 15:28

DisappearingGirl · 18/09/2024 14:59

Also, we recently found out from our school that last year the local authority stipulated that only the first 2 days of any single absence could be authorised - after that they had to record as unauthorised. Hence several unauthorised days for my DD when she was genuinely ill.

That sounds illegal. Illness does not take account of bureaucratic rules and it sounds contrary to government policy.

LadyDanburysCane · 18/09/2024 15:25

I deal with attendance and the school absolutely can and should authorise absence for the funeral of a grandparent. In OPs case I would imagine that the extra days for an extended funeral is due to religion - religion is a protected characteristic.

Previous absence for surgery absolutely should be authorised and this bereavement absence should be as well.

Grammarnut · 18/09/2024 15:22

Insensitive jobsworth. Take the children to your DF's funeral and complain to the governors of your DC's school. Utterly wrong. And the time off for an operation is irrelevant - it was a medical procedure.
So sorry about your DF.

Elizo · 18/09/2024 15:21

Absolutely ridiculous. I would get a complaint in in writing asap.

babyproblems · 18/09/2024 15:20

Don’t see why the surgery absence has been included as that’s clearly ok! And this should be too. Speak to the governors.
so sorry for your loss op xx

saoirse31 · 18/09/2024 15:16

I've a lot of complaints about a lot of stuff in Ireland , but, purely from my son's experience, 2004 to 2018, I'd have a lot of praise for our education system, much improved...

saoirse31 · 18/09/2024 15:14

This is why I , being Irish and having no first hand knowledge at all of English schools, feel v sorry for English kids and parents. The idea that your children would be refused leave to attend their grandparents funeral is horrific, no other word. Why would you want children to "learn" that a close relative s death is of v little importance.. I blame if Im honest Thatcher, ( am never sure if this quote is accurate) but what better example of it's an economy, not a society, ( r words to that effect) .. hope your daughter us now enjoying uni

purpleme12 · 18/09/2024 15:14

Really harsh considering the circumstances

I took my child out for my dad's funeral for 3 days (because we needed to stay overnight as it wasn't near) and they only authorised one day the receptionist was quite funny with me when I told her she was going out for 3 days

noblegiraffe · 18/09/2024 15:12

Follow the complaints procedure which is normally headteacher first, then chair of governors if no joy from the head.

The correct process will be on the school website.

ImNotAsThinkAsYouDrunkIAm · 18/09/2024 15:12

DisappearingGirl · 18/09/2024 14:59

Also, we recently found out from our school that last year the local authority stipulated that only the first 2 days of any single absence could be authorised - after that they had to record as unauthorised. Hence several unauthorised days for my DD when she was genuinely ill.

Well, that’s completely against the government policy, and seems likely to be complete nonsense. You can check yourself at the link below what the LA says, on the off chance it isn’t complete nonsense. Either way, I’d be complaining to either the school or the LA that they aren’t applying government policy correctly, and are making it up as they go along.

www.gov.uk/education-attendance-council

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