Had a baby 8 days ago - AIBU?

Hire in some help in the form of a babysitter for a couple of hours at a set time each afternoon. Have you no family or friends that could help out? Or arrange a cleaner and meal delivery service for the next month at least and only do what you need to do for your baby and to recover yourself.

My husband took his full two weeks. It was lovely, but a week prior to us having our much longed for son, his mother gave him a list of 'jobs' she wanted doing 'while he was off'! One of which was laying an entire new floor to her downstairs rooms.

He told her no. Her argument was well you're off anyway. No, was still the answer even after much manipulation. She didn't speak to him for about a week. Her floor got done 3 months later.

What I'm saying is that if my hen-pecked husband can say refuse to do things for his mother, then your husband can not go to his 'hobby' for a month or so. It really won't kill him and at the end of the day, he should want to put his hobby off for a while because there should be NOTHING more important, exciting, worthy than bonding with his new baby and supporting his wife.

He's choosing not to.

nip it in the bud before this becomes your life forever, you at home with baby doing all the child care whilst he’s swanning off doing hobbies every week.

He isn't supporting the OPs recovery from childbirth. I can understand why he is doing some work as he is self-employed but he should be helping OP instead of doing his hobbies.

Yes this. You need to give him a reality check right now and start how you mean to go on. He should be putting you first and supporting you. If he doesn't, this is going to be the way it is from now on. Don't allow this to be the pattern.

I didn't and now 5 years later we are no longer together as I just got completely sick and tired of the never ending selfishness and justification for why he couldn't possibly contribute equally or compromise on his hobby time.

Give him a kick up the arse and see if he rises to the challenge. If not I wouldn't hold out much hope for your ongoing relationship unless you are prepared to sacrifice everything while he sacrifices nothing

YADNBU.

You are recovering from surgery. Having a baby is frequently brushed off as a non-event that women can just deal with. “It’s just a baby, right? Billions of women have them with no problem…” Absolute bollox.

Your body has not only just created and maintained a new life for 8/9 months, you’ve just given birth complete with trauma and now your dealing with the massive flood of hormones that comes after giving birth. It is a big deal!

This is going to be your life. He’s going to be at work and you will be looking after DC. He will do the absolute minimum while you do everything and get further and further from your career. He will probably feel excluded from your little family unit that only evolved evolved because he didn’t join in with the grunt work (which is basically what parenting is) and you will probably start to resent his complete lack of empathy and non-parenting/husbanding as he swans out the door to his hobbies because he’s worked all week and deserves some me time.

What happens and the lifestyle you’ll have in a few years is currently irrelevant. Different if bills need to be paid now, but him working for some fancy future lifestyle is nonsense. You need help NOW. He needs to woman up and sort his shit out. If he’s not going to be at home then he needs to arrange someone else to be there. You cannot move. You are getting no sleep. You are adjusting to having a child. How much time is he spending with DC? Is he bonding/learning or leaving everything up to you? Is he going to be one of these useless DHs who never bothers to get involved with their newborn then complains that said child doesnt like them?

You are the priority right now.

Congratulations on your wee one xx

8 days in and he wants to carry on with hobbies as usual? That’s not okay. I’m sure you don’t get to do your hobbies right now. Work is work unfortunately, but looking after you and newborn IMO should be the priority, especially given you’re not fully mobile yet.

I was just going to say have you spoken to him, he may not know how you feel, physically, and from what you're saying it's not like he's out on the lash. Yes, hobbies can take a little break, but unless you speak to him. Again, moms on here calling him a cunt because he's not had time off from work, FFS. It sounds like he can't have time off from his job as there will be no bread on the table.

I'm sure he'd love to take a couple of weeks off from work and still earn good money. If he weren't self-employed, he would have. Not all jobs are 9-5.

Many moons ago I was self-employed and had to get back to work days after my first; there was a good period where I didn't see my baby awake as I was out for 14-16 hours a day 7 days a week. Anyone who thinks a parent would rather be out busting their balls (inc lady balls) rather than being at home with your new baby - give your head a wobble.

I think he is supporting the whole family at the moment.

Don't have any more children with him. It's obvious where his priorities lie.

He should be prioritising you and the baby at this point, he can’t expect to have a baby and his life/schedule to be completely unchanged. He needs to drop the hobbies for at least a month.

He doesn't need to do hobbies while you're in this state. There's plenty of time for hobbies.

Can you get any friends or family to stay or help you in the day? Your stitches sound horrid and you definitely want to rest up! He shouldn't be going to hobby!!

He needs to take a couple of weeks off his hobby.

I was a LONE parent from when DS was a baby. No help. I did not have time for hobbies for years. At all. Until DS was old enough to be left on his own at home.

Not saying he shouldn't drop his hobbies for years but a measly couple of weeks isn't a lot to ask, his mental health will be fine.

You are recovering from a traumatic birth, hobbies are not a priority at all until you are heald well and confident looking after baby alone for that time.
Mens lives need to change when babies come along, they so very often do not.
He needs to be made to understand that working lots isn't good enough, he needs to be present and help you heal.

The best thing for you is to get lots of good quality sleep so he needs to step up.

In general, most people need time to themselves for their mental health. But when you have a tiny baby, and a partner recovering from birth, they should be your priority, and hobbies need to go on the back burner temporarily. If you were asking him to stop indefinitely he would have a point. But being alone all day with a tiny baby is very hard and in my case evenings were the worst. This is the most difficult and physically exhausting time, you need to heal. That's more important at this stage than hobbies or alone time. And to be honest if my partner had let me down like that, I don't think I'd ever be able to let go of the resentment

I'm incensed on your behalf that he left you after one day and is going to his hobbies. What a vile waste of space.

He sounds like a selfish prick. Of course he shouldn’t be doing hobbies for a few weeks. You should both have planned for at least 2 weeks off for paternity leave, you’ve had best part of a year to make plans.

Hire a post pregnancy doula or sometime to come and help/care for you for the next couple of weeks. Use the money that he should be using to employ someone in the business to take some pressure off.

I suspect this is how things will be with him though. You’ll be default parent, no matter what your current health situation, and he’ll feel like a hero for taking a week off from a hobby. He really sounds like a dick

Work fine, although he should have been preparing clients for a 2 week downtime at some point. Everyone knows babies don't come exactly on schedule. I hope when you say baby came early that you mean before 37 weeks, because if you actually mean 37-40 ie full term, then he has absolutely no excuse at all, because babies are fully cooked and ready any minute from 37 weeks which he should well be aware of if you attended antenatal classes or read any books to prepare. Slightly more understandable that he wasn't ready to have time off if baby was actually preterm before 37 weeks.
Hobbies absolutely not. I have a 7 month old and I don't think my DH did a single hobby session until about 3 months in.

He needs to stop doing his hobby until you're feeling better.

Nope. Those hobbies need to go.

DH had no time off apart from day of birth (Friday). Even though I had my mum, he could not wait to get home to help.

I really think it’s a case of when someone shows you who they are, believe him.

Bloody hell, of course he shouldn't be doing his hobby right now. Wtf is wrong with these stupid men?