The mental load

My DH isn't completely useless. He cooks, washes up, gets up with the kids, etc... but it just never crosses his mind to book dentist appointments, doctors, buy new clothes, organise swimming lessons, get the boiler serviced, renew insurances, etc etc etc. Everything falls to me.

Has he ever had to do any of those things? Do you just do everything and simmer with resentment?

Why don't you have a chat about the chores that need doing and split responsibilities?

So he's doing 7-10 tasks a year and you're doing all the daily mental load.

Mine isn't equal but it's definitely a better split than this

We have a big general split in our house

Me: Myself

• The children to include health, clothing, school, social etc (it's a big department!)
• Online admin like insurance etc

DH: Himself

• The house, all maintenance, and the lions share of things like the dishwasher, cleaning floors etc, about a 70/30 split him up me
• Food, planning, shopping and 90% of cooking
• Cars, in their entirety although I do insurance
• Pets, health, about 80% of walking and 50/50 feeding

It works pretty well!

Yes, we have a genuinely equal mental load.

It sounds like day to day you share some of the load, with kids and cooking etc? How is it with housework, laundry etc?
I'd split the other stuff out by what makes sense eg my DH can't drive due to a medical reason so it makes sense for me to do dentist appointments for DC because it would take him far longer to get them there on the bus. Get him to set a bunch of calendar reminders for things like insurance, boiler, and make it clear that you have are taking these things off your list. So it's on him.
You say it never crosses his mind, but I assume he's a competent adult who managed to do things like get car insurance before he met you? So it crossed his mind then, until he had someone to offload it to.

Yes mine does loads of the mental load. I could die tomorrow and I don't think he'd miss a beat with anything.
Even in his grief 😂

It certainly took a mindset shift when we first was married and had our first child. There was certain things he just never had to manage before. His parents are very traditional 🤢 father never changed a nappy kind of 'traditional'

Just took conversations and splitting all the jobs/admin and some natural consequences of forgetting things.
It did help he had a deep desire not to be like his family. He finds it really embarrassing all the weaponised incompetence.

Ultimately, if they just don't respect you as a person/woman and see things as 'your' job I'm not sure anything will change that but themselves. It doesn't help when so much of society validates that opinion. My partner regularly pulls men up at work for being put out dinner wasn't on the table for them. Yuck

He does car and house insurance, everything to do with fuel bills, food planning, shopping and cooking, birthday/Christmas presents for family (both sides), general maintenance, e.g. booking annual boiler service

I do booking DC activities/clubs, their medical appointments, presents for any parties they are invited to.

We both do homework, planning holidays.

I think it's a fair split although on that list he maybe does more than me.

No, I’m doing absolutely nothing for our house whatsoever😂

I do my stuff & baby stuff, he does his stuff & all the house stuff, plus everything for both of our cars.

I think play to people's strengths, if you are carrying more mental load get him to do more of the things he is good at to balance it out.

So you're doing nearly everything then?

Of course. My husband does loads, we have a very equal split of mental load tasks.

I think it can work if you each have your own set of tasks/responsibilities. My husband and I, in my opinion, have managed to split the mental load for our household pretty well!

Mine is:

• My personal stuff (dentist/doctors etc)
• Our daughters stuff (doctors/clothes in right size for season/her feeds/activities/toys/her classes/swimming)
• I also do the organising for Christmas, birthdays, holidays etc because I love and enjoy that kind of stuff!

My husband’s is basically everything else

• Home/car/life insurance etc
• His personal stuff (dentist/doctors etc)
• Utility stuff
• Tv package/wifi stuff
• MOT/Service/Road Tax
• Boiler stuff

We share things like meal planning for the week & our dog’s things so insurance/nail clipping/vets.

This works well for us because it means we both have our own “stuff” to sort out and we are both happy with the split (he has his spreadsheet with all his bits on and actually enjoys looking for the better deals etc!).

Allocate each of you specific tasks. Get him to put more household/family stuff in his calendar and set notifications.

I sympathise.