Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will another baby ruin our life?

108 replies

Goeasyonm · 17/09/2024 22:38

Please help me decide whether to have another baby or not. DH is not helpful because he insists it’s ultimately my choice and he will go with what I want, but I know he would be happy if we stopped at DD6, who is our only child.

DD6 has a physical disability because she inherited a gene that either DH or I have (we don’t know which of us has the gene). The disability ranges in severity but hers is at the mid point of the spectrum. I would love her to have a sibling but I know that there’s a) a 50% chance of a baby having the same disability (potentially more severe as well) and b) a higher chance of a baby having some other type of disability or a complicated pregnancy due to my age (I’m 39).

Reasons why I am worried about another child:

  1. I know that the life we have with DD has been hard won. We fought so hard for DD to have as normal a life as possible and have made a lot of sacrifices to make that happen. But it was all done for her whereas I feel that if we had another disabled child the same sacrifices would be done to her. It would affect her quality of life and I just know in my heart I would probably regret negatively affecting her in that way.
  2. If we had another disabled child DD might end up being their carer when we’re gone and I don’t want that for her.
  3. I had 3 miscarriages before DD, a difficult pregnancy and a horrible birth. Since DD was born I’ve had 3 corrective surgeries as a result of a traumatic birth. The last surgery was a few weeks ago and we’ve only just been given the all clear to try and conceive. Another baby could be a similar experience.

Reasons for having another child:

  1. The child might not have a disability - there’s a 50% chance they won’t have DD’s disability and, even if they did, it might not be at the severe end of the spectrum.
  2. DD would be an amazing older sister.
  3. DD would have other family left when DH and I die. I don’t want her to be left alone in the world or to end up being responsible for us when we’re elderly.

Pregnancy screening isn’t an option for us because we would never terminate due to a disability. It scares me that if we had been able to screen for this disability while I was pregnant with DD we might have chosen to terminate and the love of my life would never have been born.

You are being unreasonable - have another child
You are not being unreasonable - don’t have another child

OP posts:
Pandasnacks · 17/09/2024 23:02

Goeasyonm · 17/09/2024 23:01

@FlyingSoap yes, the disability is limiting for her. We have done absolutely everything we can to reduce the impact on her, both in terms of paying for additional support for her and in terms of lifestyle. We would not have the financial resources to do the same for a second child if they had the same or other disability.

Even more reason not to have another, put your DD first.

Original poster
Goeasyonm · 17/09/2024 23:01

@FlyingSoap yes, the disability is limiting for her. We have done absolutely everything we can to reduce the impact on her, both in terms of paying for additional support for her and in terms of lifestyle. We would not have the financial resources to do the same for a second child if they had the same or other disability.

OP posts:
MonsteraMama · 17/09/2024 23:01

As someone with six siblings, they're not all they're cracked up to be and are a large part of the reason I'm one and done.

Given the fact that all your cons are really solid reasons not to have another, and your pros are pretty flimsy (you don't actually know your daughter would be a good sibling, she might be a raging jealousy monster, it happens to the most unexpected of kids; she won't be alone when you die because most people form their own families and don't rely on their siblings; a 50% chance of not being disabled isn't a reason at all) I'd honestly say no. I wouldn't, personally.

Josette77 · 17/09/2024 22:58

Nope.
I think you stop at one and make keep doing whatever you can to help your DD.

Rainyday4321 · 17/09/2024 22:57

In your particular situation - I wouldn’t. The likelihood of another pregnancy / baby/ child tipping your life from challenging but manageable to unmanageable seems too high. Wishing you all the best

NuffSaidSam · 17/09/2024 22:55

Based on that information I wouldn't have another child. The main reason being that neither you or your DH want another child. They only reasons you give for having another one is to enhance your DD's life (she'll be a great big sister/she won't be alone/she'll have someone to help her look after you). This is not enough reason to have another child.

Pandasnacks · 17/09/2024 22:54

There is nothing in your post that suggests you should have another. DD being a great big sister and having family when you are gone are not reasons to have a baby, and that's before you consider the potential of a disability.

FlyingSoap · 17/09/2024 22:50

Is the disability limiting for her? If so I really do think you shouldn’t have another, sorry to say. It seems like there are more potential disadvantages to you all as well as potentially an unborn baby. It would be different if you were willing to screen I think- you could do this through IVF? Even if sibling didn’t have a disability there’s no guarantee they’d get on- and it would be difficult balancing both of their needs, with a larger age gap, as you’re getting older.

That said, you had a tough pregnancy and birth. It comes with huge challenges of its own of course but if you wanted to expand your family have you thought about adoption?