Will another baby ruin our life?

For what its worth, if the most significant reason to have another child is so your current child has a sibling then I'd focus on helping them build their connections with others in the local community instead. A lot of the time the family you build through friendships are much more supportive than the one given to you through genetics and that is definitely something you can help them with.

Do you have the option of PGD?

It’s completely understandable op and I know it’s very easy for strangers to tell you that. I think you didn’t come across as actually wanting a second baby btw, more that you thought you should for your firstborn. If you were absolutely desperate for a second despite the risks, then you may have had some different answers.

Can you explain further about why you wouldn't go for embryo testing? Embryo testing is very common in ivf these days. We did it, but only for fertility reasons.

Personally if it were me (and I know it's not and we're all different) and I really wanted another baby, I'd only try via embryo testing. I wouldn't want to risk it.

I think maybe some counselling is needed. It's a huge decision.

Oh wow then your English is great. I live in Japan and previously taught English as a second language - these nuances are difficult to grasp.

I can hear your pain. You're right, it ISN'T fair. If I was in your situation, I think I would decide against having another child. But I wouldn't judge you if you decided to go ahead - it's not my place to. Wish you all the best, whatever you decide.

OK. I take that on board. English is my second language.

It would be better written as:

I was 'a' disabled child, rather than 'the' disabled child. It's a subtle difference but 'a' expresses one view, 'the' expresses 'the' view of disabled. Just my take on it

Where did I say it was? I gave my experience of living with a disability and a non-disabled sibling in a home where resources were stretched. Something the OP said would be the case for her family with the addition of a second child.

@Lincoln24 did he pass it on?

My late partner had a congenital disability and chose to have children even though it is genetic. There was 50/50 chance of passing it on. He felt that despite the challenges, his life was very much worth living. Your choice isn't everyone's.

Thank you for answering

Sure, I read research on odds after already having x number of autistic children. So we did have a specific condition but not like a "you carry this gene" situation. We did genetic testing because they also have severe learning disabilities but they never found anything (which I found hard for some reason).

I'm sorry I'd this is too personal, but could you please tell me how you know your odds of having a disabled child are 30% if you don't have specific conditions?

I am disabled and I wouldn't have children if I could pass it on. Life is painful and hard for me and I do sometimes wish I had never been born. Sorry but I do think it is selfish too if the disability is life limiting.

I was the disabled child. It has been really difficult for many reasons, and I have guilt even as an adult that resources and time from my parents were in shorter supply for my sibling because of what I needed. And they really tried.

It's tough, but I agree with you.

Assume the baby will be disabled. How do you feel about it? Some foster carers or adopters choose more than one disabled child.

I wouldn't with 50:50 odds. I have 2 disabled DC (but we had them very close together and disability not obvious from birth). At times I would really like another child but even though we don't have specific genetic conditions the chance of another disabled DC is around 30% for us and it feels quite risky.

This really stood out to me We would not have the financial resources to do the same for a second child if they had the same or other disability.

I do understand your sadness though. Even if we recognise our privilege of being able to have our own biological children, sometimes I think Mumsnet doesn't quite get the sadness of having to limit family size against our wishes.

You're not disabled though. You have no idea what it's like to live as a disabled person but you want to choose that for someone else? And at the expense of your existing daughter.

I understand it's an unpopular opinion but I do think it's unfair to purposefully have children with severe disabilities.

I think in your situation I would be happy with the child I had and give her the best possible life.

Of course it's selfish. Purposefully having a child with a life-limiting disability is all about you. No thought to the struggles of the child, who doesn't get to choose. I understand it's a hard situation and I would be upset in your position too but I wouldn't have another child.

I am not sure why you wouldn't consider pre implantation testing. There is nothing wrong in my view in selecting an egg that means a child without health issues that will make their life more difficult even if it is not a life threatening or shortening condition. I know people who had a child with CF. They are very focused on giving their child the best life and treatment possible (and he is doing very well on a very new drug treatment) and he is deeply loved. They chose to have pre implantation testing given that they were both carriers of the CF gene. Their second child was born without CF and I don't see anything wrong with that. It doesn't mean their first child is less loved or less valued.

If you wouldn't consider pre-implantation testing I wouldn't go ahead. There is too much risk at 50% of a child with high needs which will mean you have to spread scarce resources over two children. Even with testing, you have to consider what it might do to your body to have a second pregnancy when you had such a difficult time of it when you were younger. I can tell you that I was a lot more tired with my second late thirties pregnancy/

My two children are neuro diverse. I love and am proud of both of them. I didn't know about the first before the second was born. It was really hard raising both of them and making sure that they both got the best chance of a successful life. In fact, the eldest is close to qualifying as a doctor. If I'd been offered the choice of having screening to have a neurotypical child, I'd have taken it. (You can't in fact screen for what they have.) I'd have had different children who would have had an easier life and I'm sure I'd have loved them just as much.

For what it's worth I was an only child with older parents. I did worry about having no family when my parents died. I married into a big family and that was a really positive thing about my husband when I met him. But you know what, three of my husband's four siblings live overseas in different countries these days and his one "local" sibling lives 500 miles away. All my children's cousins are all either much younger and or much older as well.

I think knowing what you know and taking the chance would be cruel and selfish.