Bridesmaid trouble

Whatever she’s got going on she could take time to send a proper message or a quick call, in 6 months! I’d call her and leave a VM if she doesn’t answer or send a WhatsApp voice note saying you’re sad not to have heard from her and you hope she is ok but you need to progress things so as you’ve not heard from her being bridesmaid isn’t going to work. You’d hope she’ll come to wedding and get in touch before then

Her no response is her response. Maybe it is not the direction you wanted to go OP but you have given enough time and energy for this. I wouldn’t reach out anymore and replace her or have one less in your bridal party.

The wedding is ages away so I can see that she isn't to fussed about meeting up to discuss things or to go dress shopping etc but I'd be worried about her continually cancelling

I would send a letter saying if she doesn't want to be bridesmaid to know it won't impact your relationship and I'd give her a date you need confirmation/correspondence by.

I hope she's okay and the new relationship is a good one and not something fishy going on.

I think there could be a couple of things here.

1. If you think you are really close but don't text or see each other much, maybe she's moved on and sees that level of communication as a clear sign you aren't really friends (my SiL asked a school friend who she hadn't seen for 4 yrs, they said no as they didn't feel they were the right person, she was devastated as she still thought they were best friends, different people expect different amounts of contact to maintain a relationship)
2. Is she just a bit disorganised? It's a whole year to the wedding, could she just be busy and have parked it in the "not urgent yet" pile. My best friend is hopeless like this, if we organise a holiday, I do it all and she often has no clue what is going on till the day before, she still loves me and wants to go, she is just a last minuter and I'm super organised and love planning
3. Something serious is going on, she's not maintaining friendships, not posting on social media, acting differently. Could be a controlling partner or a mental health issue.

I feel like only you will know how much effort you want to put into this. You could text saying "You seem so busy as xyz also said you'd not seen her, would you feel more comfortable just being a wedding guest so I'm not adding more pressure to your life, i know its mad planning so far in advance but i really need to pay for dresses and book shopping dates in, or would you like me to come over and talk about anything that's going on? Let me know which option suits you best by text rather than calling, if youre super busy" I think those saying not even to invite her seem very harsh, she's living a life you don't know about as you've all chosen to not really stay in touch - anything could be going on, or equally maybe you're a good friend but not a best friend in her mind right now

Maybe she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid, or maybe the new BF doesn’t want her to be a bridesmaid. Can you “just happen” to drop by her workplace and see if she’s okay?

This is such a weird comment. OP is starting to put down deposits, is thinking about booking make up artists, transport etc. Of course she is anxious to see where she stands with the missing bridesmaid. Weddings take a while to plan.

I had a similar situation. I had 3 very close friends I wanted for bridesmaids. One of my friends just really distanced herself from me. It was awkward because I thought 2 bridesmaids were a funny number. So in the end I did what Kate Middleton did and only had 1 bridesmaid (my sister) plus flower girls. I didn’t want a big group of bridesmaids anyway.

I’m sorry, but this is just not true. Everyone said to me ‘have fun planning the wedding!’ when in fact they should have been giving a heads up that planning a wedding is stressful. This situation is just one of many that will create stress.

Sounds like the OP has been as straightforward as she could possibly be.
Next message should be ‘I’m assuming you aren’t interested , so we’ll crack on without you. Hope you are well’.

I'd probably do something like this too

I would be inclined to contact her again and simply ask if she is OK as she seems to have a lot on but you do need to speak to her for a few basics if she going to be your bridesmaid. Add that if bridesmaid is too much for her take on right now that it is fine by you but you would love to see her anyway.

I think @Frustratedandunsure is copying her friend with the radio silence on this thread from them after 4 days...

Oh this is really difficult OP. You can’t work with this but you also don’t know what’s going on in her life, so maybe she is going through a very tough patch.
you’re going to have to stop her as a bridesmaid I think, but you’re also going to have to ask yourself if you value her friendship. You will have to let her know that you’re dropping her as a bridesmaid. Something along the lines of:
dear Jane, I’ve tried to get in touch with you /meet up since feb as I wanted you and Jen to be my bridesmaids. Unfortunately I’m just unable to get a hold of you. I don’t know what’s going on in your life (and I sincerely hope you’re ok). I’m not sure if you even want to be my bridesmaid or not, but I think you’ll understand that I can’t work with bridesmaids that I can’t reach / never meet up with to discuss the basis essentials. I’m really sad it’s turned out this way but I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to have to drop you as a bridesmaid because I’ve been trying to get a hold of you since February and failed to do so. Like I said, I really hope you’re ok, and know that I’m always here to chat. I would still love for you to come to the wedding.

Just tell her that, on reflection, you can see her life is super busy right now and you don't think she has the time or interest to be a bridesmaid right now. Tell her you get it, that's okay, and hope she'll still come as a guest to help you celebrate.

I got to the point with one (I thought very good) friend who was to be my bridesmaid, that I got utterly fed up with being the brush off by her partner when I rang to try and talk to her. I said to him, the last time I called, right, well, I'll wait to hear back from her before I bother her again. (She couldn't come to the phone because a tv program she watched was on).

It's our 30th wedding anniversary this year. I'm still waiting. . .

Mutual friends have told me that she didn't know how it went from her being a bridesmaid to not being invited to the wedding. I can be a tad ruthless though!

I voted YABU because I think she's shown you that she isn't interested in being either your bridesmaid or even, your friend. And I think yabu for still trying to get her to respond to you. It is sad when a friendship ends, but it seems that she has decided this is where you are now. I would message her saying that it's now clear to you that she doesn't want to be inviting the wedding but for some reason doesn't feel able to tell you. I would say it saddens me, but I respect her decision and won't bother her again. And that would be it. I wouldn't even send an invitation to the wedding - she's made her feelings clear so why waste an invitation when there may be other people you would like to invite.

It speaks more to me about her past boyfriends and her communication was normal, and now this new chap and she’s dropped off the face of the earth. I’d honestly think there was some issues with the relationship and he could be controlling her.

Also 7 years isn't that long. All my bridesmaids I had known for 20+ years.
Work friendships can be fickle, they burn brightly when you work together but can dim thereafter. She might have a new work friend

My guess is that she's grown away from the friendship and doesn't see it as you do.
Find yourself another bridesmaid.

Let it go. If she really wanted to be a bridesmaid she would have phoned. Invite her to the wedding by all means but she is not interested in being part of it.

I agree with other posters. Sorry but I don't think she wants to be a bridesmaid. I had a similar situation with my sister. She agreed to be my MOH, then stopped replying to any of my texts or calls. We didn't speak for 7 years as she vanished! She had some personal issues going on and didn't know how to tell me. Was a very sad time because if she just said she didn't want too it wouldn't have been a problem at all. Good luck with your wedding OP!

I think it's obvious that she no.longer wants to be a bridesmaid.

OK odds are is that she CBA, just not that invested in your friendship anymore and shouldn't be your bridesmaid.

However, I would just ask her if there's anything big going on in her life at the moment. She could have something majorly shit going on and not said anything.

I have once nearly given up on a friend for not responding over a prolonged period, last minute cancellations etc - turned out one of her family had a terminal illness

Cut her out or this person you used to know but then started ignoring you will be in a bunch of meaningless wedding photos which will bring back negative memories. You really want your bridesmaids to be people who will be supporting you into this next phase of your life. Quality over quantity.

7 years is a drop in the ocean compared to some longer friendships, are you sure she sees you the same way
if she doesn’t get back to you give her a timeframe in which to do so then offer it to somebody else -or no one else as you need time to plan
It’s possible, she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid and doesn’t know how to say

The fact that she’s ignoring other friends and not posting on social media is very pertinent and I think if you had included that in your initial post you’d be receiving different responses.

She clearly has something going on that’s not related to her just not wanting to be a bridesmaid. Either with her mental health, or this new relationship. Obviously you don’t have to have her as a bridesmaid if you don’t want to, but if she’s as important to you as you’re saying, I wouldnt cut her off and would be trying to get to the bottom of it.