Bridesmaid trouble

Only reason I’ve said you’re unreasonable (because you actually aren’t) is because with a new BF this is a HUGE red flag for her safety if she’s completely changed personality and she never ever seems ‘available’ and cannot text or call. If she’s close I would ‘drop in’ one day or evening and see how that plays out, perhaps with your BF in the car just in case. Sounds super fishy to me.

Or, you could move on and assume she has. Except if she’s close enough once to be asked to be your bridesmaid perhaps one final welfare check-in might be worth it?

That point struck me as soon as I read that comment from the OP! I would be worried that she has possibly/probably become involved with a controlling abuser who is preventing her from speaking to her friends, if her behaviour is put of character.

That’s what I commented a bit further back too!!! That in her usual relationships she is as normal, however with this chap, she’s dropped off big time. I don’t know about anyone else but my alarm bells are going off. Anything could be going on here. I’d want to try and get closer to her, not drop her off a cliff as many PP’s have said.

I know
I still think that some brides are rather high maintenance these days.

Great, times have changed 43 years on...

ALL THESE COMMENTS AND AM I LITERALLY THE ONLY ONE THATS PICKED UP ON THE FACT SHES GOT A NEW BF AND NOW SHES DROPPED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH WHICH SHES NEVER DONE BEFORE !!!!
IM SERIOUSLY GLAD NOT ONE OF YOU ARE MY FRIENDS

Including support with wedding planning (hunting for bridesmaid and bridal gowns, exploring flower choices), planning, attending and paying for (often multiple day/abroad) hen-dos, staying on location the night before, paying for hair makeup and getting ready at the crack of dawn.... And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

1. My mum and I planned the wedding
2. My mum made my wedding dress and my sister chose her own suit (I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable in something she didn't want to wear so I said she could wear what she liked)
3. It didn't occur to me to have a hen do (not sure they were a big "thing" 43 years ago)
4. I got married from home
5. I went to the hairdresser and did my own make up
6. I got married at 3 so didn't need to get up early

Usually yes. Including support with wedding planning (hunting for bridesmaid and bridal gowns, exploring flower choices), planning, attending and paying for (often multiple day/abroad) hen-dos, staying on location the night before, paying for hair makeup and getting ready at the crack of dawn.... And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Like you, my sister and best friend just turned up on the day, but that is very much the exception for young people these days. And OP sounds like she needs a fair bit of support...

As others have said, sounds like she’s dodging telling you she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid. It could be that she just doesn’t deem you as a close friend anymore for whatever reason, or it could be other things. Are you having the wedding miles away or abroad? Are you asking the bridesmaids to pay for their dresses/make-up/hair/overnight accommodation etc as some brides do and she’s possibly peeved at the expense?

Oh Lord, I hate people like this! They get on everyone's nerves.
She is making it clear she is not commited to being a bridesmaid in your wedding. I would take her off the bridesmaid list, that is for sure. Even from the wedding, if she makes any noise about it. To be honest, chances are that if you still invite her to the wedding and she does not turn up.
Find another bridesmaid, or take only two, your sister and your friend.
It really costs her nothing to text, I am so so sorry, but I cannot be a bridesmaid at present, due to hectic life. But she won't. And that is not a friend.

I think you know, she just isn´t interested. Don´t bang your head against a brick wall and move on.
I was very close (or so I thought) to two colleagues where I worked and invited them to my wedding (local), they both turned it down with evident thoughts of why the hell would I go to your wedding?
Since then I am very selective about who I do things with and my mental health is sooooo much better. I keep work and private completely separate.

There is a lot expected of the wedding party, including their time, effort and energy, not just on the day but well in advance.

What exactly?
Are brides more high maintenance these days?
When I got married my bridesmaid (my sister) just turned up on the day. There were no tasks that I required from her.

I don't think you're as close in her mind as in your mind.

Yeah just do this

OP take it she isn't interested.
I know it may not be the norm, but honestly some people have zero interest in the bridesmaid thing.
Despite caring about their friends and wanting the best for them, they would much rather be another guest.
I certainly felt that way and after doing it once, was really up front with friends.
No one took offence, I enjoyed the wedding, I just wasn't in the wedding party.
I honestly do not know how how people tolerate the huge demands of time, money and effort that is required, not to mind the whole Hen palava.
It's just too much for some people.

I would absolutely not contact her again.
Set up a new group and move on.
Wishing you well.

Maybe she's in an abusive relationship hence the radio silence ? I'd be a bit concerned for her welfare tbh if those is out of character .
Could you reach out to her family because this is ringing some alarm bells for me as its not just you she's ignoring its your other friend aswell and her social media is also radio silence

Flattering yes, honour no. There is a lot expected of the wedding party, including their time, effort and energy, not just on the day but well in advance.

I've been a bridesmaid for two close friends and will politely decline all further requests and hen-do invitations. Especially now second weddings seem to be on the cards.

So my first thoughts were that she has the hots for your fiance and is miffed that he'll be off the table.

But then you mentioned the new boyfriend and no insta thing. Is he controlling? Preventing her access to her phone? I'd try to get mutual friend to check in on her in person unannounced to make sure there's nothing sinister going on.

Then, if there isn't, she's just being a cow and you can drop her. Your day is about you - bridesmaids are there to help you and get excited with you, not to make their day about theor drama.

Really? Being asked to be a bridesmaid should be an honour.

Sounds like your friend may be dealing with personal issues which she may not be telling you about. I would absolutely speak to her over the phone first (when you can eventually get hold of her).

Then you can make your decision once you have the full facts.

Has anyone seen that old movie “ Weekend at Bernie’s?”

My sister had a friend who behaved like this. She was absolutely hopeless the whole way through (wouldn’t text her measurements etc) and she kept trying to be understanding and now regrets having her in the wedding. They’re not in touch. She was the type of girl who makes adorably flakey a kind of personality trait.

Come on, they haven’t seen each other in months and she doesn’t respond to messages. I think OP is wanting to connect with her friend. Not plan every detail of her wedding over a Nando’s

That’s both sad and awful. You might have been close in the past but not anymore. A close friend would be excited to talk to you about your wedding plans. I’m stunned that she told you to put your questions on a text, like you’re a junior member of staff who will be allocated time as and when. She’s too busy (up herself) for your friendship let alone bridesmaid activities. It’s not even as if she’s been working and unavoidably busy, she’s been at dinner socialising.

I would tell her that you’re going to just go with two bridesmaids as you’re going to be very busy planning your wedding and not being able to talk to someone within a couple of days of approaching them will make it hard work. It’s supposed to be fun for all concerned isn’t it.

That’s a polite version of what I would say.

I would leave her to it

Assume she is no longer your bridesmaid and save yourself some money