To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

I agree that the implication is there. I would just word it to just ask them to join you for drinks to celebrate your husband's birthday. Don't even mention the reserved space.

BTW DH has an early January birthday and never feels like doing much as he will have over indulged over the Christmas period.

These replies are crazy. What you are proposing is absolutely fine. Just make it clear to guests.

"Hi. It's Dave's 40th and I'm taking him into London for the weekend. We'd love to celebrate with our friends so on Saturday night I've reserved an area in [swanky bar] for us. Please let me know if you can make it - it'd be great to see you."

If I received that ^ I would not expect anything laid on.

I think if you have mentioned to the guests you have reserved an area in the pub it suggests more of a party rather than just meeting friends in the pub for a drink and in this scenario I think possible people would be expecting good

Sounds lovely OP. I always think it an honour to be invited to celebrate a friend’s birthday - like others in the minority here, it wouldn’t occur to me that I was entitled to free drinks or food for a small drinks gathering. In fact, I’d want to buy my friend a drink on their birthday without the expectation of something for myself.

This is because you live in a house with enough space to do that - we are middle class Londoners, in a completely normal London flat, and we have a living room that just about fits a two seater sofa and a small bistro-style dining table. That’s it. Galley kitchen, so nobody is socialising in there. No garden.

If I have people round, I’m limited to two people plus me and DH, and even then one couple has to sit at the dining table and the other sits on the sofa, we can’t all sit together. Fine for coffee or one friend coming round to watch a film, definitely not suitable for a birthday party.

I would organise some nibbles. I think it's a bit rude if it's a celebration and you're exorcist people to buy their own drinks. If you're paying for drinks that's better but still weird not to have some snacks which I assume would not be much compared to drinks.

Why are you feeling the slashed income? Does DH not contribute more to you if you're on maternity since he's not on maternity? It's his 40th. Get him to buy the food bit.

I think @NotStayingIn's advice is good.

BIL tried to throw a big surprise party for PIL once (BIL hard up and tried to do it on the cheap/get us to pay).

I told BIL that PIL would not want it done on the cheap. He ignored me.

When PIL figured it out they took over! As I predicted 😂. It was a lovely party in the end.

It's not the food that's the issue, it's choosing somewhere expensive as by what you have said and reserving a section, different to just meeting up in a normal priced pub which do exist even in central London (got 2 g&t's for under £10 right near Charing Cross last month! Not Wetherspoons either)

In the OP, she didn’t say is was local, she said it was easy to get to. I don’t live in London but it’s easy enough for me to get to due to good transport links.

Just to clarify, I'm not implying if I spend £50 on a babysitter that means my host owes me something! But this buy your own drinks in a bar in central thing could easily add to £100 or £150 all in (and possibly no dinner) and I would definitely have to weigh up how much I liked the person for that 😂.

Can you cancel the night away, spend that money on some fizz on arrival for everyone and some shared bar snacks?

I think the risk with your plan is that (as you can see from the responses here), some people will be disappointed.

I think doing that for someone else is risky.

You better be sure you know where he sits on this, would he expect a welcome drink or whatever in this situation?

You are essentially doing this party on his behalf so I think it could backfire if it’s not the way he would want ‘his’ guests to be treated.

@plasticmack Surely it depends on the message to the friends further afield?

My DH arranged a birthday get together for me last year. He let my Brother and a couple of close friends who all live a distance away know that it was happening but as the OP herself has said, with no expectation to attend. None of them did, but I wouldn't have wanted them to get wind of it after the fact and feel like they'd deliberately not been invited.

Also, you realise that London IS local to people who live in London, don't you?

Same here. My friends didn’t have formal engagement parties at all - most people just told everyone they were now engaged, and people bought them a drink next time they saw them. Hiring a hotel and arranging catering and free drinks sounds more like the actual wedding reception to me…

I’ve been to house parties, where usually there isn’t any food at all but the host will put some beers and ice in the bath. I’ve been to bbqs where some food and drink is provided but you still bring plenty yourself. My social circle doesn’t really do dinner parties but obviously I’m aware of that concept as well. And I’ve been on nights out, where everyone pays for themselves. Even weddings are usually a paid bar.

So no I have never been to a party in a hired venue where the food and drink were completely free. Because that would cost thousands of pounds, and most people do not have that sort of money to spend on a birthday. Most of my friends can afford to spend £50 on drinks in a bar every once in a while though.

I think much depends on what the norm is among your friends.

If there are some different norms and budgets then it can be tricky. I'm guessing I live a similar distance out of central London to some of your friends. The babysitter alone would be about £50.

I have been to a couple of extended family 50ths over the last year or so. At one, my mum and I ended up buying a couple of bottles of sparkling wine and handing them round because it was so, so, obvious that the guests were expecting this and it hadn't been provided. We could afford to do that but it was a bit annoying when the host wasn't hard up, just a bit socially awkward (there was food and cake). It really helped and the conversation started to flow.

At another, the host hadn't checked on dietary stuff nor shared the menu so I had to sneak off and buy my own lunch because there was not one thing I could eat. Again, no big deal, host not hard up, just no practice in hosting.

I have never been to a "number" birthday where nothing was provided, however.

Why did you pay to hire a space?
Where does it say she's paid?

I love the sound of that, @RampantIvy ! Good Yorkshire hospitality 😋!

If it were a local place similar to where your friend group regularly socialise that would be one thing, but inviting some of your husband's close friends from further afield is another.

I would be so embarrassed to suggest friends travel in to London yet offer them nothing. If I were your husband and I wasn't even aware of the arrangements and realised there and then I'd be doubly embarrassed.

And another thing. Simply stating that you are "skint" doesn't cut it. Why did you pay to hire a space? On top of booking a trip away , and buying a present to open ? Why do you have to do everything? Choose something and do it well. It's easy to be generous when you are using others to do so.

I agree about choosing a cheaper venue. It doesn't have to be a spit and sawdust pub with bacon sandwiches on offer, but an expensive bar in London might mean that people won't stay for long unless you have wealthy friends.

I went to a 70th in our local (nice) pub last year. The birthday person had laid on several bottles of prosecco in ice buckets for people to help themselves. Anyone wanting a different drink could buy one.

The landlady had done a huge roast ham (her speciality) with sides of roast potatoes, stuffing and apple sauce, plus breadcakes (I'm in Yorkshire ) for the guests to help themselves.

Another suggestion, if you are living close to the area where you have booked, why not host the keet uo at your place and make a small spread and some drinks and say meet here at X time and we will head to the bar if you want to us us at X time?

At partys at a function - my family have never provided drinks, a small buffet and I usually want to eat and dont eat cause I don't like/can't eat the stuff. A bar I pay for myself, same for a meal. I'm shocked reading the comments, I clearly needed educating for when I come to situations like this! 🤣 It does make sense though when you're travelling. Like if a friend travels to stay with you and pays for train fayres or fuel and its like not feeding them in your home (albeit cheaper) .

Right. I do think it's a cultural thing as well. People I know who can't afford a venue host in their homes and are very generous with food and drink. It's about hospitality I think. When I was young, you couldn't go to a friend's house without their mum persuading you to eat your fill!
If someone comes to my home, I'll always provide something.
Anyway. Different strokes.

Sorry that should have read "wine on the table"

Nope! Other than weddings where there may be food on the table. I live in the Midlands though. Middle income, as are most of my friends and family. Certainly don't have any friends with the wherewithal to host a party in a London hotel

No one meeting at a bar would expect their drinks to be provided though. Occasionally there might be some money behind a bar but generally not.

It’s because OP lives in London, and people on here lose their minds when people mention London. People think she is already giving herself airs and graces by living in “that London”, and now she even expects to socialise where she lives! What a liberty! They should stand in a huddle in the rain outside her flat and she can hand out cans of special brew, it’s what I did for my 40th and everyone said it was the best birthday party they’d ever been to.

There’s somebody upthread who thinks you can’t have a drink in a bar in central London and get change from £500. Somebody else who imagines their friends are flying in from around the world, rather than getting the train in from Orpington. It is quite bonkers.

I did similar for my birthday last year. Had a room in a nice pub. The pub did do cheese/ charcuterie boards so i did spent like £50 so there was a bit of food milling about. It was basically going out for a drunk but it's a small pub so I did make sure I reserved the room just so there was enough space for people.