Not allowed on Boys trip

Sorry I wouldn’t tolerate been told I wasn’t allowed to go if your going to stray your going to stray u don’t have to go away to do it

and from your point of view is it worth being in a relationship where you have to keep them on a lead to stop them shagging about

I understand he wants to go on holiday with them because they're his friends. I assume they have a laugh and going on holiday is fun.

However if my DH were out with his friends and they went off with other women and he knew their wives he would be so uncomfortable. I'd like to think he'd say this holiday isn't for me.

Equally he's not a child. I'd say you can go on the holiday. I'm disappointed the cheating doesn't bother you, I'd rather you didn't. But I trust you not to cheat.

I don't believe birds of a feather bla bla bla. I had a friend in our group who regularly cheated and we didn't.

Many people have weekends away with friends.

What a strange comment.

Have you told the other women? I'd want to know. Are they staying in relationships where their life isn't what they think it is, but you know? I'd be very upset if another woman stood by knowing I was wasting years putting effort into a fake relationship. They might be ttc right now, for example. This is big life stuff.

What? Of course it’s normal for spouses to go away with friends. Just because you marry someone doesn’t mean you can never go away with your friends. Everyone needs time away and time with friends is one of life’s pleasures. A healthy relationship means trusting your partner and holidays with friends shouldn’t be the forbidden fruit. Maybe 50yrs ago, but this is 2024.

He not a puppet that you control if he has cheated I would not put up with and would not be with him, if not then you have issues that are on you and why he puts up with it I have no idea

You are being controlling regardless

This. Just because his friends do it, doesn't automatically follow that he does.

Unless he has previously cheated?

If the sexes were reversed on that comment, Mumsnet would explode.

I don't think I've ever seen the word slut used by posters to describe other women here...?

I agree.

Although I would also have told the men why I am uncomfortable with him going, that is, that you know many of them are cheating in their wives when they go away.

I'd be questioning yours/your husbands group of friends? This isn't normal (or I am naive).

Irrespective of whether your DH (will) cheat or not, it's important that you maintain your totally correct stance and thus HELP your DH too. The fact that he accepted/agreed not to be a (future) part of this orgy of misbehaviour & cheating is a sign that he sees this "lads away" exercise is not a good idea. By helping your DH and yourself to maintain a "right" & dignified approach to this annual orgy of mass cheating, you're helping not only your DH but the rest of the group. Their psychology is wrong, their behaviour is wrong, their improper aspirations/desires/planning is all WRONG. So please do maintain your agreed position help your DH and by extension the group of cheaters. Good luck.

In normal relationships spouses don't go on separate holidays. You are supposed to travel together, unless it is a work trip. Why marry if one clearly wants to spend holidays with your mates? This is not a mature approach to marriage

I'd have reminded these friends that, first of all, they're men not boys. And secondly it's being associated with men who cheat that's causing the discomfort.

I wouldn't stop him but I'd wish he had better friends.

I would be exactly the same if I knew my husband's friends were like that. Most importantly, because I hate cheating and I would hate that he'd be okay going away with his mates knowing they do that. Like he was condoning their actions by joining them on the holiday. It is like when your child starts to become friends with the wrong crowd and you want to remove them from it because you want them to make better choices. I'd like to think my husband would understand not wanting to go and spend time with people who were doing that because he's an adult and not one of my children.

I don't think you are controlling in this instance. I think he may not feel comfortable with his friends' behaviour on these trips, has told you, knowing you'd be unhappy and prefer he did not go. That way he can save face with his pals and stay home, using you as the excuse.

Knowing what others do on these trips, you'd have to be superhuman not to have worries about what might happen if he went. It's not lack of trust - you are being normal, especially if your relationship has struggled in the past.

He needs different friends. They sound like a bunch of 15 year olds on the way to Magaluf. Carry on like that and one of them will bring some sort of infection back to his wife or partner.

Yes, YABU. If he’s going to cheat, he’s going to cheat, and stopping him going on a holiday with his friends is controlling, and will likely push him to behave that way anyway…because well, men do weird things.

If you trusted him OP, it wouldn’t matter if any of his friends cheat, that doesn’t mean he will?

No good can ever come out of you putting a kibosh on him being with his friends. Think how you’d feel if you were him. As soon as people feel controlled they start to pull away.

You need to decide if you trust him or you don’t. If you trust him let him be free to be himself in the way you are. If he’s cheated on you before I can understand your reservations but you can’t use your insecurities to limit him. Love can’t grow in those conditions. He’ll run from that.

I must say, his friends sound like a bunch of young 20 something idiots so I do feel your pain.

Tbh I am quite shocked that a lot of the replies are that OP is controlling. I am by no means a controlling person and my hubby goes out when he wants unless it affects the family finances. However if half of his friends (an incredibly high number lived lies); regularly cheating and lying to their partners as if this was the norm and acceptable I would have a massive problem with this. In fact it would run much deeper than just a lads holiday. I would really mistrust my own partner due to his questionable judgement. At best he is choosing relationships with morally bankrupt people. At worst he subscribes secretly to the same moral code. I wouldn't choose friends like this and tbh I wouldn't be with a man that thought this was ok. In fact I have a friend with a friend like this and I have recommended she let her go; as she doesn't like her behaviour. If you can lie to your partners face day after day; your not somebody I would want in my circle 👍. And I wouldn't be having couples get togethers either participating in this illusion of togetherness.

I suspect that you have axed the holidays to quiet the voice inside that is saying exactly this OP. What does your instinct really say OP? I think you unfortunately have a wider issue. Your not the problem 👍. Good luck OP 🍀

You either trust him or you don’t. Stopping a partner from doing something is controlling, and you are sounding like his mother with his friends begging you.

You either trust him or you don’t. Stopping a partner from doing something is controlling, and you are sounding like his mother with his friends begging you.

I'm imagining a scenario where OP loudly says "I'd rather my husband didn't join you lot on one of your regular shagfests, thanks for not asking again" during the couples meetup 😆

I can't understand how anyone can be friends with people like that. Especially when they also know the cheated-on partners 🫤

Well if several of the boys 'kept' asking if he was allowed to go I think I'd have looked them straight in the eyes and said, 'The trouble is, Dave, that I'm told you, Steve and John have all shagged around behind your wife's back every time you go on one of these trips. I'm pretty sure you can see what I don't want DH coming with you.'

They must be pretty thick to try and pressure you in public. I'd have dropped them in it.

Were the issues you were previously having related to him cheating? If not then I do think it’s unreasonable to ban him from going away with his friends.

Ultimately if your partner respects you and you have a generally good relationship then you should be able to trust them in any situation. If there’s temptation that comes up in one way or another it’s about how they handle it and their own set of values, provided those are strong enough then he shouldn’t be swayed into inappropriate behaviours.

If his friends are fools that’s on them.

Just get your husband to tell them he doesn’t want to go and it’s his choice. I wouldn’t like that either.
But neither would my DH. He has quietly dropped a friend that told him he was having an affair. He just doesn’t call him back and interacts as little as possible.
That guy is the only one out of all our friends that has cheated. I’m close to all our friends and they are all really happily married for over 20/30 years.

Yes. He’s incredibly incredibly sad. Poor guy…