Not allowed on Boys trip

How can you and your DH be around these couples knowing the men cheat? My DH would never be with men like that and certainly never expect me to be.

I've not read the whole thread OP but I've read your post and also looked at the other threads you started about your relationship : his history of inappropriate behaviour with women and you retaliating by flirting with his friends. So it doesn't particularly sound like a trusting loving marriage.

I think if it's a mutual agreement that he doesn't go on trips with these friends then that's fine. But you telling him he can't go is a different matter. You don't have the right to tell him what to do and not do.
It sounds as though he has been talking to his pals behind your back : telling them he can't go because you " won't let him" . And he has probably encouraged then to try and embarrass you into saying yes he can go on trips with them. He obviously wants to go.
Personally I would assume, especially given his past behaviour, he is as bad as his friends . And if he does go away with them his behaviour as regards cheating will be just like theirs.
Having said that I don't think your marriage has much chance given there is really no trust there. And you are justified in not trusting him, even if I don't agree with you " telling " him what he can and can't do.

Why are you ignoring the fact that this time with friends includes cheating on their partners, as if it were the same as a curry night? Of course people want to see their friends. Seeing friends is not the issue here - spending protracted amounts of time and money away from home with friends who regularly and intentionally cheat on their spouses is

Life is not unlimited in length - how can a spouse possibly want to take time away from the other spouse

As somebody who has been with my DH for over 25 years - this is not a healthy attitude. Of course it is ok to want to take time away from your spouse, especially if you have different interests.

I take DS skiing every year, and go on walking holidays with DM. DH isn’t interested in skiing or hiking so doesn’t come. If DS or DM weren’t around, I would go by myself (and indeed did many solo ski trips before DS was born). DH somehow manages to cope with a few days away from me.

1. If he is going to cheat he will do it regardless of where he is (holiday or not).

1. If he has those sorts of friends it is a direct reflection on him and his character.

1. He shouldn't be putting you in that position with his friends, making you like the "mean mum".

If you don't trust your DH not to cheat when away on one of these holidays then the relationship is dead.

Banning him from something doesn't change that, because if he is likely to cheat then he'll find a way no matter where he is.

My DH has a large group of friends, some of them make very questionable choices and things that both DH and I don't agree with.
He will happily socialise with them but as soon as they do things he doesn't agree with he either leaves, tries to stop them or tells them really firmly that he doesn't agree with them.

The fact your DHs mates are asking you for permission shows that your DH has told them you've banned him from coming, which implies he doesn't agree with the ban and would like to go. This on its own will kill the relationship. You can't stop a grown adult from doing something without there being repercussions.

Yes this. My DH would a) not want to go on a trip where his friends were cheating on their partners and b) certainly would not set me up as the fall-guy to take the blame for his absence.

Having worked with men for many years, once the main bulk start cheating, the rest follow, even the 'nice' ones. I've seen people cheat when out of the country that you would NEVER suspect. So I'm with the Op on this one, the 'culture' amongst his friends is dangerous, it normalises cheating to a point where they convince themselves everyone does it, and they're entitled to it.

Yet if it was a man saying "I've told her she isn't allowed to go"

Everyone would be screaming LTB he's a controlling abuser!

If my DH was friends with people like this it would make me see him differently. I think you can judge people by the company they keep.

If someone wants to cheat they don't need a boys trip to do it.

I remember a friend many years ago telling me about a stag where many of the blokes went off with prostitutes and other women in clubs. I was shocked by a few I knew, and reassured by a few who didn't join in. Next stag do, J "couldn't make it unfortunately". He was even single both times, just really not his vibe and he was upset for the partners. Funnily enough, another one who didn't join in was "busy" that weekend too.

I would trust DH, except that I know he simply wouldn't want to go if that was the "fun" plan, because it isn't what he would want to do.

Nah sorry I couldn't deal with a man who's commited to me going away for days on end with twats who repeatedly cheat on their partners. That's just vile and not normal. If he thinks it's controlling then fine. There's the door. He's free to go and live as if he's on a permanent club 18-30 holiday. However if he wants a commited, adult relationship then this is the kindof thing he just can't do any more and I'd be seriously questioning why he wants to

This is veering off topic now but I find this mindset bizarre.

I can love my spouse and also want to spend time with my friends without that choice reflecting on my strength of feeling for him. It’s important to cultivate and maintain relationships outside of a marriage which for me includes prioritising time with friends.

Who says friendships are maintained by going away from your spouse with your friends? My best friends are through my profession now. We support and help each other, we literally save each other's skins, but that does not include relaxing in the sun or sightseeing.

For working women with one holiday a year this holiday is so precious, that to waste it on friends like we did in our 20s, because our whole life stretched in front of us, and time was limitless? Stupid behaviour is pardonable in one's 20s, but when married spouses prioritise mates over their oh, and then post on MN 'oh, we grew apart', oh, he had an affair when he went on holiday' - this is madness.

There is a time to scatter - your 20s and a time to gather - in your married life. Everything is good when it is done in its intended time - like mates' holidays in your 20s. When you marry for real, your priorities shift. Or at least, they should shift.

And if only we called a spade a spade - a holiday in your 30s with your mates is not a holiday with my 'girlfriends', because you are not girls. It is a holiday with middle-aged women.

I go on holiday with my friends and I go on holiday with my partner, this is what most normal people do and how normal relationships works in my circle.

But you're just being goady, as you are on most threads you post on and are best ignored

Oh Rubbish!
You can love and trust someone without living in their pocket.

I would have said why… fuck them

Shaggers gonna shag!
If he’s not trustworthy then he’ll stray whether he goes on this trip or not.
If you trust him let him go, I would.

Absolutely - that means many people prefer the company of their friends to the company of their spouses, which is a death knell for any marriage. We all have limited amount of time on this Earth, and most of us have one holiday per year - and to spend it with mates means 'I prefer my mates to you'. We do not know what is around the corner - and to squander precious time with your mates instead of a spouse? Madness.

If this post was 'I am dating this guy, but he goes on holiday with his mates', MNetter would have written 'He is not that into you, he does not want to spend time with you'. But get married and what? Suddenly the tune has changed?

I really don't understand how you can't see this and take it the wrong way. This is not about TRUST. Of course spouses trust one another, it is a given. Life is not unlimited in length - how can a spouse possibly want to take time away from the other spouse? We are all working, we don't see each other near enough! How many holidays per year do we have? Why should I waste it on friends if there is only one holiday and I want to spend it with my spouse? Seriously. It is all about preferences - if a spouse prefers to spend his one holiday a year with mates rather than with his wife, why marry? My post was about love, not about mistrust.

i couldn’t be with someone where the only thing stopping him from sleeping with someone else was a ban on him going on a holiday.

Your relationship is still sailing in troubled waters.

He must be an idiot to have told you that when he goes away in trips his friends are unfaithful to their partners. He must have known that telling you would have made you object to him going.

Maybe they won't shag other women and he told you that to make you feel anxious and keep you in your toes when he goes away and it's backfired because you've put your foot down and said he can't go.

If the situation is now that his friends are badgering you as if you were his mum and he's ia child, to let him go on a trip away that is so embarrassing. What an utter drip he is to have told them that he can't come out to play because you won't let him.

They are going to ridicule him over but being allowed to go and that's going to build up resentment against you.

He's a weak man and weak men cheat.

I don't think you have handled this very well by saying he can't go away because you now look controlling and are the 'big, bad meanie' who is 'ruining' his life. That's what his friends will tell him and what he will believe.

What? Why can't married people go away on their own? I love getting to vacation with my girlfriends.

It's not a good idea to let your friendships fade away just because you're married. That's an unhealthy dynamic.