Not allowed on Boys trip

YABVU

I have friends who cheat.
I have one who’s is having an affair with her boss, one whose having an affair with her DH’s half brother and my own Dsis had an affair and ran off with the OM.

I don’t condone any of it but it is separate to my friendship with them and I would still go on trips with them and do things with them.

It doesn’t make me want to cheat (in fact it makes me feel the opposite way).

You can’t tell a grown adult what to do.
You either trust him or you don’t.

Does he want to go? At the end of the day he is a grown adult and can control his actions no matter what his friends do. The lack of trust and you controlling his decisions talking about "allowing" him to go will end your relationship faster than a weekend with his friends

I couldn’t imagine wanting to go on a girls weekend away with a bunch of my girlfriends who were cheating on their husbands while there. That wouldn’t appeal to me and I wouldn’t want to be friends with them anymore, period. Holiday or not, i couldn’t imagine dh wanting to be friends with a group of guys who he knew were regularly cheating. It’s just not the sort of person he is. He has more integrity than that. It would be the friendships as a whole that I would question, not the holiday.

Seriously odd dynamic for all involved which suggests you have other problems.

The invite was from his friends to him. He is the one who should have answered and whatever the answer his friends should have accepted it.

How do you end up being asked and being the one who answers? It implies they know you are preventing him and see you as the decision maker in the couple. They are openly disrespecting him and you.

The issue for you is not whether you should be telling him what to do. You should want to be with someone whose morality aligns with yours. He either thinks what they do is wrong or not. He needs to determine the boundaries in his friendship group not you.

You have serious issues underneath this. You are controlling and heavy trust issues. Work of them. I would let my husband go even on a trip with sluts. I trust him.

He needs to grow a spine and tell his friends that he isn't joining them on the trips out of respect for you. Simple.

Idiots

Your husband was given a choice and he made it.
Maybe he should be the one to tell them that.

Or you say to them I'm not stopping him. He can go on your boys' fuck marathon if he wants to but I won't be here when he gets back.

I think what you’re not getting is that people are different and will have different experiences and priorities than you, and that’s ok. You don’t want to go on holiday with friends- that’s fine! Other people do- also fine! Don’t worry about it !

Why would he choose friends who cheat on their wives?

This is just weird. I’m a working mum, and over the last year I had more than two nights away somewhere about 10 times: including 3 breaks of a week. Two of the big breaks were family breaks, one with just DO, and 4 of the shorter ones were long weekends with friends and without DP (1 with DS, the others just me and friends).

The ones without DP involved mountains, boardgames and a moderate amount of wine or cider. And our relationship is great.

and few of the boys were asking me constantly if DH can go etc..

Boys? How old are they, 8?

And lads holiday to cheat? They sound like childish idiots all of them.

how can a spouse possibly want to take time away from the other spouse?

Easily, we are still 2 separate persons with separate interests. DH is really into sailing, I am not - so should I spend my holiday doing something I don't want to? Or tell him he is not allowed his sailing week? (we have plenty of holidays together in addition to separate ones)
Do you have no separate hobbies or interests? Is it also not allowed take an hour to go to zumba with friends, when you could be sitting next to your spouse every non-working minute? Life's short, could be hit by a bus tomorrow.
Fair enough if you work in 6 month stints on an oil platform and get to see your spouse a week in between, but that really isn't the case for most people.

As for the OP, I agree there would be absolute outrage if a woman posted that she's not allowed on a girls' trip, because some of her friends cheat.
If OP and her DH have indeed decided together that this is something they want to do to help their marriage - OP's DH must own it and tell people that he doesn't want to go, not to tell friends he is not allowed and can you go ask my wife if I can go - he's not 12.

A decent man would even WANT to go on a trip with ‘friends’ who considered cheating to be acceptable. I know DH would refuse to have anything to do with that sort of trip.

Why is he telling them you won't let him go when it was a mutual decision? He needs to tell them to back off and stop pressurising you. Also, I doubt you've said he can never go on holiday with his friends ever have you? It's a particular type of holiday with a particular group of friends that makes you feel uncomfortable for now.

Ignore the friends. Your DH has obviously worded it badly to them and now they're treating you as the meanie. Their opinion is not your problem. Talk to your DH again and see what he really thinks.

You should just say to his friends that you know a lot of cheating goes on. They probably won’t want him to come once they know he tells you stuff: win win! If they nag you in front of their wives, say that in front of their wives - that’ll keep them busy 😉

Gosh! It is not the STRENGTH of the feeling - it is limited time!!!!!!!!! I come home at 8 pm, sometimes I am absent for a week or 2 weeks, working away from the UK. I have one holiday per year. I don't see my dh and dc anywhere near enough - and to prioritise a holiday with friends for me over spending time with my family is madness.

I wonder how many holidays a year do women and men who go on holidays with mates, have? 20? Or just one? What time do they come home? Do they spend enough time with their spouses? Do they know they are guaranteed infinite years go to on holiday with their family? Like, this year - with mates, next year deffo with my family? They are guaranteed money, perfect health, and no visa requirement in the changing political climate? Like they will get exactly what they want, when they want it?

He, they and their partners would have heard me saying 'no, because you, you and you are a bad influence because you fuck other women while you're all away together.' And to hell with the consequences.

OP, he wants those adventures for himself.

His friends obviously think it's the Ops fault he won't go anymore so they're trying to publicly embarrass her. Op, embarrass them back, say out loud exactly why he's not going anymore.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about whether he actually wants to go on these trips. It will be quite a litmus test.

It may be that their behaviour makes him uncomfortable too, and "the missus won't let me" is quite convenient for him, and if you don't mind being bad cop then this may suit you both.

If he wants to go, the next question is what is his motivation for that (and does that question your motivation for the entire relationship?).

Thirdly, do his friends' partners know what happens on these boys trips? Your next step in this sort of conversation is whether you want to be responsible for dropping the lot of them in it or not if the partners are there...

Your DH agreed to this as part of you both working to save your marriage. He needs to own it and deliver on his promise, in order to demonstrate good faith. Instead, he seems happy for his "friends" to put pressure on you, so he can still go on these trips in the future.

I'd be asking myself just how serious he was about all the other things he agreed to with you OP.

My DH could go on holiday with whoever he wants, because I know he wouldn't cheat on me. So YABU in that sense - the fact that you think stopping him going away would stop him cheating if he wanted to is ridiculous.

His friends sound horrible and I'd question his judgement, but the answer to that is not to dictate who his friends are or what he can do: you can control your actions, not his. If you don't like them being his friends you can say so and he can decide if he wants to remain his friends or not, and then depending on that you can decide your actions, i.e. whether or not to stay with him etc. You don't get to tell a grown man what he can and can't do.

Idk what the previous issues were but for me personally telling another person what they can/cannot do is controlling. If he has form for cheating himself fair enough but it sounds like he wants to go and you are the one saying no.

Regardless of what his friends do, you either trust him or you don't. I regularly go on a girls trip with 2 friends who are single, but just because they might be on the lookout doesn't mean that I am and dp trusts me entirely.

Being brutal, if he is going to cheat he will, stopping him from going on a lads holiday won't stop that, where there is a will,there is a way

Some people on this thread have never worked with big groups of men who go abroad a lot! Women have no idea how 'nice' men get dragged into this behaviour, it starts with strippers, then paying more for stuff strippers wouldn't do here, then a blow job, then sex... I've seen it happen time and time again. Nice, professional family men. You see it on here with sex workers on AMA, the men they see are from all walks of society, people you 'wouldn't think would cheat'.

It's shocking to see (at first). The people saying 'you should just let him go' are naive to how bad it gets. There way more men cheating than women realise.

My DH knows about all of this, and simply wouldn't want to associate with it, it's not his bag. Why would you want to go away with a load of men who are off shagging strippers, how dull, what are you meant to do? Sit in the bar with your orange juice and wait?

This makes no sense at all. He probably told OP as he was having a conversation about something that made him feel uncomfortable. Not everything everyone says is manipulative.

Actually if he wanted to cheat it makes no sense to tell on others.