Not allowed on Boys trip

Everything about this is grim - the least of your problems is that you are being controlling (I get why), because your relationship is not based on trust. The fact that within your group grown men are referred to as “boys” and “lads” is ridiculous. The fact that DH’s “friends” are bullying/ lobbying you is even more grim, like they’re naught teenagers and you’re his Mum. The fact that he wants to mix with infantile tossers like this is so unsexy.

Leave, run, emigrate, go on a holiday yourself but whatever you do extricate yourself from this childish cesspit.

My DH has two mates in his group of friends who've both got form for cheating. He's been on several trips abroad with them and nights out without me too. Doesn't worry me in the slightest. I trust him.

For me the bigger issue has always been knowing they cheat and feeling like I should tell their wives. Never been particularly close to either wife though so I've stayed out if it. The wife I know/like better is aware anyway. The other wife I can't stand, the feeling is mutual and I doubt she'd believe me anyway.

I wouldn’t be married to someone who associated with people like this, false stop. It tells me all I need to know about their character and it does not reach my standards. For that reason I’d be done.

You’re both as bad as each other, based on your other threads.

What’s actually left of this relationship?

As PPs have said, the issue is whether you trust your partner.

However, the most notable issue for me would be a partner who was happy to be in the same friendship group as married men who regularly have sex with other women.

I'd question how he was happy to be with those type of friends.

I think there are a couple of things still wrong here.

1. Your DH is still friends with these guys. Why would he continue to hang around with a group in which cheating is normalised, regardless of whether he intended to cheat himself?
2. He hasn’t told them himself that he has decided not to go on these holidays. He’s evidently put it all back on you. The idea that they should be asking you to ‘allow’ him to go on holiday is outrageous. Not indicative of equal, respectful relationships on their part. Again, if your DH was worth anything, he would put a stop to it and/or not be friends with them any more.
3. So I think your DH still has a LOT of work to do to bring himself up to a standard of behaviour where, if I were you, I would want the marriage to continue.

The mistake you’ve made here is making it known to everyone that it’s you preventing him from going.

I’ve had a similar situation. My DH is still good friends with blokes he’s known since he was a boy. They don’t see each other often as everyone is now spread out around the country but they get together to go on holidays in Europe every now and again. A few years ago he came back and he and one of his friends were shocked that a few of them had gone to a brothel one evening. My DH told me all about it when he got home. His other friend who was also uncomfortable with it also told his wife about it. I said I didn’t particularly want him going away with them again and it’s altered my view of them. The other wife said similar. Thing is our DH’s agreed with us.

So now they don’t go on these boys trips any more but neither of them have blamed their wives. They just make excuses re work or family commitments.

Why is your DH putting this all on you? Is it because he still actually wants to go? I wouldn’t like my DH discussing our private agreements with his friends. Where’s the loyalty?

My concern in this scenario is why would your husband tell his 'friends' you won't let him go away with them? Your husband as an adult should not have told them this but just decline the trips because he doesn't want to go. If I was you I would be responding to the group hassling you by saying and laughing...oh why would your friends think I won't let you go ??? The problem is your husband.

Your H has agreed this with you and now needs to own that with his friends. There is no way he should be sitting there like a wet lettuce while his mates try to coerce you. He needs to speak up and tell them HE has decided not to go, not say one thing to you then hide behind your skirts around his mates. Quite honestly if he is so weak and easily influenced, and so desperate to please the boys, I wouldn't rate his chances of staying faithful on the trip very highly. He is a sheep who will follow the herd.

I’d be more worried about the types of friends he chooses to surround himself with. They sound awful.

You both need some new friends as it sounds like your DH has finally grown up but his mates are still immature twats.

I couldn't be with someone where the only thing stopping me from gong on holiday them banning me on going away

Decent people don’t want to go away with people whose holiday entertainment is cheating on their long-term partners. It’s despicable. Never mind going on holiday with such people, I’d be troubled by a man who is friends with such low-life misogynists.

I don't think you should be policing his social life. You should trust him or not. The fact that you won't let him go suggests you don't. My dh has a group of friends and many of them take lots of drugs. Dh doesn't and never has but they share a love of music. I wouldn't want to be with someone who took lots of drugs but I don't stop dh from going clubbing with them because I know who he is.

Jesus fucking Christ, I wouldn’t as I don’t use language like that about women.

Yeah, this. If you find yourself not able to trust him going away, then there are bigger issues.

Maybe it is just me but I would have said that. I wouldn't let my friends be cheated on and not know about it.

It's telling that his mates were asking you if he could go. Obviously he has said to them "I'd love to come but suspiciousqueen won't let me." You should reply "It's up to him" and make him own his decision.

I wouldn't be happy with him going, but I would want him to decide that for himself. If he tells you that he is happy not to go then he should tell his mates that, too.

You made a happy agreement with him that he would no longer go on lads holidays.

His mates are badgering you either because he’s asked them to (or with his agreement) or because he adds a certain something to the group that they miss when he isn’t with them, eg maybe it’s because he's the life and soul of the party.

If he’s made an agreement with you that he isn’t going any more and then asked them to badger you, (or agreed to them badgering you) then the agreement he made means nothing, in which case you are back to square one. Stopping him going when he wants to go isn’t the solution to the problem of lack of trust in him.

Does he know they were badgering you to let him go? If his motives are good and he knows they were doing that, he would have put them straight immediately telling them …it’s not that she won’t allow me to go it’s that we have agreed, for our own reasons, that I’m not going so please drop it, it’s my decision, you are interfering and it’s none of your business.

Making an agreement with you not to go isn’t controlling at all as it’s done with understanding on both sides. And the agreement is kept with good will.

Stopping him doing something he wants to do IS controlling. But you aren't controlling because you talked about it and came to an agreement. The agreement stands. Neither of you has retracted it.That’s good.

So you don’t need to ask if you are being unreasonable to stop him as you aren’t stopping him, the agreement you have with him not to go stands. Talking about problems and coming to an agreement is not unreasonable. In fact, it’s very positively reasonable.

So the question is … does he know they were badgering you and what was his response. If he doesn’t know they were badgering you, you need to tell him and see what his response is.
In other words, is he reneging on his agreement with you or not?

Just out of curiosity what do boys do on lads trips?

I only know girls trips where we maybe go to a spa, drink a few cocktails, enjoy some reading time, have a gossip and a catchup and basically talk about our kids and our jobs. We light go dancing but most of us retire pretty early as we are just knackered from life!

whenever my husband goes to the pub with a Mate they talk about none of their day to day family life or work. Just cars and random other things (there is a whole Micky Flanagan sketch on just this topic!). I am genuinely curious as to what a lads trip for a bunch of married men entails?

"If a man had posted that his wife goes on holidays with 10 women and that 4 or 5 of them regularly cheat on their husbands, the OP would be told his wife is hanging around with sluts"

No, she really would not - not on Mumsnet. _Only men would be

I have been in a similar situation. It was actually my husband who told me what SOME of the group did on the trips and he told me with disgust. He still used to go when he wanted to because it wasn't the whole of the group and they did other things which he enjoyed. It was one of those groups where some people were actual friends and some were friends of friends or work colleagues. On the holidays, the group didn't do everything together. Our view as a couple was,( I am widowed now) that if people are going to cheat they will cheat. If people are weak and stupid enough to cheat because the people they are with cheat then would you want them as a partner anyway? Do you want to be with someone whose behaviour you have to control by forbidding them to do things? Do you want a partner who is so weak spirited that they allow you to forbid them to do things? I think (as others have said) that the trip is a symptom and you need to look at what you want from a partner, as does your partner.....I mean his friends beg you to allow him to go? that's laughable.

Seems he has agreed to not go so why are his so called friends stirring the pot? Ask your DH if he told them you said he couldn't go or whether he said he did not want to. How he worded his refusal makes a difference. On the other hand if he does want to go I wonder why. Maybe you need to take similar trips with girl friends see if he finds that acceptable.

I’m not going to lie, I’d be appalled if my husband wanted to stay close friends with people liked that. Personally I would find it immensely uncomfortable going on holiday with a bunch of mates knowing a third of them were going to cheat on their partners. I’d find the whole thing a bit sleazy. The problem you are damned if you do damned if you don’t. Don’t let him go you are controlling, let him go and the seeds of doubt could pollute your relationship.

You obviously don't trust him . Otherwise this wouldn't be an issue
Do you wonder if he has cheated in the past whist on one of these holidays?