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Original poster

Help me tell someone to shut up nicely

35 replies

ZestyDog · 17/09/2024 12:42

I've lived here in my home town for my entire life. Like everywhere it has it's problems, but overall it's not a bad place.

A couple of years ago I made a new friend at a hobby group, who I will call Sue. We have both since left the group but joined another, and see each other a couple times a week.
Sue moved here to live with her son and DIL. She's from a city, not a small town. She hates it.
She can't move back as her family want to stay, and she couldn't afford it now anyway, plus she has a few health/mobility issues, which is why she moved in with her family. She's unsafe to live alone.
Every time I see her, Sue complains that she doesn't like the town, and has a huge list of grievances. Not enough shops or cafes, too windy, the roads.... Too many to list. We're not bohemian enough for her.
I'm a fairly quiet person and don't want to fall out with her, but I'm close to losing my rag. I know she doesn't like it, I get that, but I do. It's my home.

I need a way to tell her to stop. I don't want to upset her or be brusque. And I can't not see her without giving up my hobby. (Small town remember...no other options for it).
I need a few stock phrases to repeat every time she starts that aren't "Shut up Sue, you're doing my head in"

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 17/09/2024 13:22

I’m happy here.
Or
I prefer to look for the positives in everything.
and smile!

Hoppinggreen · 17/09/2024 13:20

Oh dear, what a shame and then change the subject

Getitwright · 17/09/2024 13:19

Could you find a nice way of saying we all have to accept change at some point, and the best way of getting by is to try and make the most of it. Encourage her to think about some of the nice things about where she is now, (family for company, cleaner air, a different vibe, are the views better, quieter pace of life, friendliness, different things to do, etc…..) She might be feeling very vulnerable if she’s still coming to terms with being more dependent on her family, having less independence.
Wearing for you though, and if patience doesn’t work, you might have to be a bit more blunt, such as telling her to either accept her needs more, or make her mind up about changing what’s making her so miserable, as her constant off loading onto you is spoiling your friendship.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/09/2024 13:12

Surely you don’t need to actually be her friend if she’s only somebody you see at a hobby group, and you don’t find her particularly enjoyable company beyond that? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying “I’m not really interested in this conversation Sue, I quite like Loughborough even if you don’t, so unless you want to change the subject I’m off home.”

ProvincialLady2024 · 17/09/2024 13:09

If you can't move Sue maybe you should
Try and find somethings to like here because you're grinding yourself (and everyone down) being negative about something you can can't change.

Montydone · 17/09/2024 13:08

Ooh this is a tricky one! She sounds exhausting!
I think I might say something of what you’ve written in your post, like, “actually I have a soft spot for this place; hearing you say all these negative things about it makes me feel a bit sad!” Or…

really dive into it… “you really miss your life from before don’t you? Tell me about…” and then divert onto stuff she used to enjoy (sounds like she’s a bit miserable and missing her old ‘self’ which she has associated with the city!). Or…

“oh for goodness sake, Sue! Will you please be quiet!!” (Maybe not that one)

VickyEadieofThigh · 17/09/2024 13:01

Itsallfunngamesuntil · 17/09/2024 12:59

Yes Sue.......that must be really difficult that you miss x y and z after having moved here and that you can't move back to city e

But many of us live in this small town x who love it here and call it home. They may find what you're saying a bit difficult to hear or a bit critical or upsetting.

Fancy a coffee/whatever later in the week? Smile

Exactly this except for the coffee bit.

Beryls · 17/09/2024 13:00

"What are your options to move?" just keep asking that every time. She evidently has no options to move so hopefully she'll get bored in the end as there's no solution.

Itsallfunngamesuntil · 17/09/2024 12:59

Yes Sue.......that must be really difficult that you miss x y and z after having moved here and that you can't move back to city e

But many of us live in this small town x who love it here and call it home. They may find what you're saying a bit difficult to hear or a bit critical or upsetting.

Fancy a coffee/whatever later in the week? Smile

poppyzbrite4 · 17/09/2024 12:57

"So you keep saying Sue, what are the grandchildren up to?"

"Is that the time?"