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Original poster

Help me tell someone to shut up nicely

35 replies

ZestyDog · 17/09/2024 12:42

I've lived here in my home town for my entire life. Like everywhere it has it's problems, but overall it's not a bad place.

A couple of years ago I made a new friend at a hobby group, who I will call Sue. We have both since left the group but joined another, and see each other a couple times a week.
Sue moved here to live with her son and DIL. She's from a city, not a small town. She hates it.
She can't move back as her family want to stay, and she couldn't afford it now anyway, plus she has a few health/mobility issues, which is why she moved in with her family. She's unsafe to live alone.
Every time I see her, Sue complains that she doesn't like the town, and has a huge list of grievances. Not enough shops or cafes, too windy, the roads.... Too many to list. We're not bohemian enough for her.
I'm a fairly quiet person and don't want to fall out with her, but I'm close to losing my rag. I know she doesn't like it, I get that, but I do. It's my home.

I need a way to tell her to stop. I don't want to upset her or be brusque. And I can't not see her without giving up my hobby. (Small town remember...no other options for it).
I need a few stock phrases to repeat every time she starts that aren't "Shut up Sue, you're doing my head in"

OP posts:
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NoThanksymm · 24/09/2024 15:54

Ugh.

id call her out a bit.

hey sue, I know you’re going through things. But you realize this is my home? That coffee shop is run by ‘my daughter’s friend, fiiends daughter’ and I like that boutique, and we have TWO hobby groups. You are welcome to dislike this place, but please, I don’t need to hear it

Aria999 · 21/09/2024 18:29

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 17/09/2024 14:34

What's wrong with "Shut up Sue, you're doing my head in"?

Admittedly, I'm coming from a male perspective, but that's exactly how we'd deal with it.

"Steve, every time I see you you're whining about this. It's not exactly making you a joy to be around"

"Brian, I get it, you think it's shit here, I don't. Move on."

Generally, if we're not enjoying someone's company, we either give them a chance to fix the issue or we stop spending time with someone we don't like.

It seems far simpler than tiptoeing round.

lol I like these 🤣

Noirdesir · 21/09/2024 18:25

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 17/09/2024 14:34

What's wrong with "Shut up Sue, you're doing my head in"?

Admittedly, I'm coming from a male perspective, but that's exactly how we'd deal with it.

"Steve, every time I see you you're whining about this. It's not exactly making you a joy to be around"

"Brian, I get it, you think it's shit here, I don't. Move on."

Generally, if we're not enjoying someone's company, we either give them a chance to fix the issue or we stop spending time with someone we don't like.

It seems far simpler than tiptoeing round.

I agree with this too. She's actually being bloody rude. It's fine if she would prefer to live elsewhere but most people would get pissed off with where they live constantly being insulted and slated non stop.

supertouper · 21/09/2024 18:20

TheCultureHusks · 17/09/2024 13:28

‘You seem so unhappy Sue. I can’t help worrying about you. You say the same things every time, so things must be playing on your mind so much. Do you think you should go to the doctor?’

this makes the point that she’s constantly banging on but dressing it up as concern, it also makes the point that you think this is abnormal, as opposed to a perfectly reasonable outlook on a small town! Might make her think ‘oh dear I don’t want to come across as a nightmare’ and stop!

This is exactly what I'd do- frame it as concern but make it crystal clear her excessive wanging on is abnormal and worthy of getting some help.

DoreenonTill8 · 21/09/2024 18:19

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 17/09/2024 14:34

What's wrong with "Shut up Sue, you're doing my head in"?

Admittedly, I'm coming from a male perspective, but that's exactly how we'd deal with it.

"Steve, every time I see you you're whining about this. It's not exactly making you a joy to be around"

"Brian, I get it, you think it's shit here, I don't. Move on."

Generally, if we're not enjoying someone's company, we either give them a chance to fix the issue or we stop spending time with someone we don't like.

It seems far simpler than tiptoeing round.

This, she's not bothered about being rude/insulting to you/your home, why not return the honesty?

GiddyRobin · 21/09/2024 18:17

Oh God, I'd have to be straightforward about it. Not offensive, but enough to make her think twice about doing it again. Can't stand listening to people whinge on!

"Oh, give it a rest, Sue! It's not that bloody bad. What's new, anyway? Hows X doing?" With a bit of a friendly smile, but a tone that says you've had enough of listening to her moan.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 21/09/2024 18:11

'Well Sue, it's a shame you don't like it here. I love this town, and so do my family. I guess it's our home which makes it special.'

Onlyonekenobe · 21/09/2024 18:11

I would just say “Yes. So you keep saying” with a Hmm and pity in my heart for her DS/SIL who probably have to hear this all the time. But I’m not familiar with the small town thing.

Negative people can be so draining. My mum is one of them. I just let her go on (and on) while thinking about other things…

beanii · 21/09/2024 18:10

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 17/09/2024 14:34

What's wrong with "Shut up Sue, you're doing my head in"?

Admittedly, I'm coming from a male perspective, but that's exactly how we'd deal with it.

"Steve, every time I see you you're whining about this. It's not exactly making you a joy to be around"

"Brian, I get it, you think it's shit here, I don't. Move on."

Generally, if we're not enjoying someone's company, we either give them a chance to fix the issue or we stop spending time with someone we don't like.

It seems far simpler than tiptoeing round.

I'm an introvert and this is exactly the route I'd go down.

Especially if you only see each other at a hobby club.

Life is too short to hint at things.

beanii · 21/09/2024 18:06

Just say 'look, I know you don't like it BUT I do - either move or learn to enjoy it - life is too short to moan constantly and to be honest it's getting a bit draining each time I see you'.

Original poster
ZestyDog · 17/09/2024 18:30

Some helpful suggestions there, thanks all.

Sue only has her son and DIL here. The DIL isn't particularly nice to her. They won't move as they have good jobs here, and DIL has family not to far away.
Sue has made a good effort to make friends here, I'll give her that, but she is very, very negative about everything.

Her small house and sons 1 bed flat in the city bought them a lovely big house here, and paid for the adaptions for her, and there's no-way they could sell that and get anywhere big enough for all of them, even if the son agreed to move back to the city.

I have another new friend who moved here quite recently, from a different city who absolutely loves it. Quite a lot of people seem to move here to retire.
There's good, accessible transport to a larger, tourist town, and two other small towns only a couple miles away which have nice shops/cafes, but they are more expensive housing-wise.

OP posts:
1033NWCAL069 · 17/09/2024 18:07

Your answer is in your own op. "You don't like it here. I get that. But it's my home. Please stop insulting it"

OverthinkingOlive · 17/09/2024 15:31

I'd love to know where it is!

ladydeedy · 17/09/2024 15:26

In this situation I look them in the eye and say “so what are you going to do about it?”
and then wait.

BMW6 · 17/09/2024 15:06

"I like you Sue but please, please , change the record!"

LostittoBostik · 17/09/2024 14:44

TheCultureHusks · 17/09/2024 13:28

‘You seem so unhappy Sue. I can’t help worrying about you. You say the same things every time, so things must be playing on your mind so much. Do you think you should go to the doctor?’

this makes the point that she’s constantly banging on but dressing it up as concern, it also makes the point that you think this is abnormal, as opposed to a perfectly reasonable outlook on a small town! Might make her think ‘oh dear I don’t want to come across as a nightmare’ and stop!

This is the one.

And if she repeats it, just repeat this. She'll get the message - she won't want to seem like a bitter, unhappy person

DPotter · 17/09/2024 14:41

Take her by the hand gently, or place you hand on her forearm and say with a smile,
"Sue - that's enough now."

Bascially I'm with Vimes but with a velvet glove

HeliotropePJs · 17/09/2024 14:41

If she knows you've lived there your whole life (and you haven't given her reason to believe you dislike it there but have been unable to move away), it's really very rude of her to keep abusing the place to you. (Or perhaps she's not bright enough to have made that connection.) I'm not certain she's the type who'd be easily hurt if you just tell her the truth, so I wouldn't worry overly much about that. Next time you're alone (or without an audience, at least) and she starts in on her complaining, I'd say some variation of 'Yes, I know ___ annoys you / you don't like it here, but this is my home, and I love it. Can we just talk about something else?' If you don't want to be that blunt, I'd start ignoring her negative comments and just change the topic entirely whenever she brings it up. Unless she's entirely clueless, she should pick up on that after a while.

Incakewetrust · 17/09/2024 14:38

I'm sorry you're not happy here Sue.
I however love it. It's my home and I'm so happy here.
Anyway, what are you up to this weekend?

coxesorangepippin · 17/09/2024 14:36

Have you looked into living elsewhere

I have to go

Is that the time

You know XYZ Town Boho is really great for incense sticks/floppy clothing/ mindfulness or whatever

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 17/09/2024 14:34

What's wrong with "Shut up Sue, you're doing my head in"?

Admittedly, I'm coming from a male perspective, but that's exactly how we'd deal with it.

"Steve, every time I see you you're whining about this. It's not exactly making you a joy to be around"

"Brian, I get it, you think it's shit here, I don't. Move on."

Generally, if we're not enjoying someone's company, we either give them a chance to fix the issue or we stop spending time with someone we don't like.

It seems far simpler than tiptoeing round.

Whoyoutakingto · 17/09/2024 13:56

“Yes you mentioned that last time but I love it.”

TheCultureHusks · 17/09/2024 13:28

‘You seem so unhappy Sue. I can’t help worrying about you. You say the same things every time, so things must be playing on your mind so much. Do you think you should go to the doctor?’

this makes the point that she’s constantly banging on but dressing it up as concern, it also makes the point that you think this is abnormal, as opposed to a perfectly reasonable outlook on a small town! Might make her think ‘oh dear I don’t want to come across as a nightmare’ and stop!

MounjaroUser · 17/09/2024 13:27

"Well, you're never going to be happy with a negative attitude like that!"

MonsteraMama · 17/09/2024 13:24

"I understand it's different from what you're used to, but I actually like it here."
This acknowledges her feelings while also making it clear that you feel differently.

"It's not perfect, but every place has its charm. I’ve found a lot to appreciate here."
This puts a positive spin on the conversation without directly dismissing her complaints.

"I know it can be tough adjusting, but maybe focusing on the good things can help?"
A subtle suggestion that she might try to look for positives.